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My DH has been offered a job abroad- but Im TERRIFIED of my ex

(14 Posts)
Achange Mon 19-Sep-11 11:20:09

DH has been offered a internal promotion- to an office abroad. A big shock as we didnt apply for it. However excellent career move for DH and frankly we cannot survive on DH wages anymore in the UK- we will lose house soon if nothing happens soon.

Sounds great- except for one giant problem; dd1 dad.

We need his permisson. He sees dd once a year, supervised (he broke his own agreed contact- he should have seen her once a month so thats 14 times he did not turn up) and lives 5 hours away.

But when I spoke to a solicitor sometime ago about going abroad she said it might take a YEAR and cost 10k

We dont have a year- company need him January. I cannot bear to be seperated from DH. We have a baby due in 3 weeks. We cannot afford to run two homes and I think it would be horrible for new baby to be away from her dad and vice versa.
We dont have 10k spare which is why we need this job

So is there a way to fast track this? Do I personally have to attend court- I cannot face it. My ex has abused me is so many ways I am terrified of him.

Is the stress and cost going to be too much- should we just turn it down?

Part of me thinks I am not having this evil monster ruin my family life more than he has, and pass and opportunity up and stay in this finacial mess because of him- the other part thinks I simply think it will be too stressful

Any advice PLEASE- cannot sleep at night... company want an answer asap...

RealityVonCrapp Mon 19-Sep-11 11:24:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllieG Mon 19-Sep-11 11:25:16

I could be wrong, but if he witholds his permission I don't think there is any way of avoiding court as I doubt mediation would be useful or appropriate, given the abuse. They may be accomodating and try and speed up the process, but you can't circumvent the fact that you need his permission. It sounds like court would not say you have to stay though as he's not a big part of her life and you have good reasons for wanting to go. I'd take some legal advice personally.

TLD2 Mon 19-Sep-11 11:26:00

I agree, see another solicitor.

Achange Mon 19-Sep-11 11:38:04

Tbh I would be surprised if we were told no... but then again in the past the judge tried to make me give him my new address despite having a restraining order so I am nervous I will get a judge who feels he is a victim again...

I understand we might have to go to court but do I have to go near him? Can they call me in sepreatly? I know it seems cowardly of me but he is so evil I really cannot be near him.

How would we get this "fast tracked"?

Gonzo33 Mon 19-Sep-11 13:01:40

Achange I went through this, although was not pregnant at the time.

Please go and see a good family solicitor.

My circumstances were very similar to yours. I started the process in the September and we were in court the following February and March. It cost £2500. I know that I was extremely lucky, and that these things can drag on for a year.

I did have to go into a room with Cafcass and my exh (exh refused mediation, not that it would have worked because he was abusive to me as well) and then went into court with my solicitor and the exh (he did not get representation). Judge told the exh to get legal rep, which he ignored. My solicitor pushed for no Cafcass report because of the time scales (we had a move date of one month later) and the judge agreed because there were no welfare issue's. Two weeks later, second hearing exh still objected to us moving so we were prepared for final hearing and barrister. Friday before final hearing exh calls my solicitor telling him that he will sign to let us go.

I know I have said this, but I know I was extremely lucky.

Please do not allow yourself to be bullied by this man any longer, you must do what is right for your family.

Good luck with everything xx

Collaborate Mon 19-Sep-11 13:25:58

look on the www.reunite.org website for a specialist near you.

Achange Mon 19-Sep-11 15:44:40

Collaborate thank you. I looked at the reunite website. On the forum someone said as they did not wish to contact the ex due to violence the solicitor said as long as they logged an "Intent to return" this would be fine to leave the country?

Any idea of how this works?

(Ps thank you Gonzo for the PM advice)

Gonzo33 Mon 19-Sep-11 17:05:32

Not really advice, just what I have been through. I am by no means a solicitor. Now if it's mortgages, I can do that smile

babybarrister Mon 19-Sep-11 21:29:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Achange Tue 20-Sep-11 12:41:00

Thank you baby

What an awful decision awaits us; potentially DH goes without us missing out on seeing his newborn daughters first months (and somehow finding the money to run two homes) effectively leaving me as a single mother. Or we turn it down and possibly lose our home now unless DH finds a better paying job in the UK.

Just out of interest why would I need CAFCASS involved?

babybarrister Tue 20-Sep-11 13:05:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Achange Tue 20-Sep-11 13:20:56

What will CAFACSS need for their report? Are they seeing if Im a good enough mother or not?

Is there no other way around this- some sort of temporary agreement to leave then come back rather than splitting a family up for up to a year?

All this for someone who has seen her 5 times in as many years and pays not a penny...

And ironically wanted to move to very country we are going to (but failed to get accepted). If he was willing to move there, just like that, and be away from his child then all this seems unfair.

I just want to cry this is so stressful

Gonzo33 Tue 20-Sep-11 19:36:29

I hate to tell you this Achange but I wanted to cry nearly every day my hearing was going on!

(((HUGS)))

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