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(8 Posts)
totallyclueless Thu 07-Jul-11 19:01:30

what happens when you get divorced and how do you do it?

we have a house in joint names and a BIG mortgage which is fixed rate, so impossible to get out of. I assume I would have to pay half the mortgage and then stump up for bills etc and living costs.

At the moment I am 'an ungrateful fucking bitch' or 'stupid fucking whore'...whichever you fancy ie I am currently looking after the DCs and don't earn any money, but do have a career I could return to.

Bit of an end of the rope, so thought I should look at options.

Please no 'utter shit' or 'poor u' responses, just need to get moving on a few ideas and find out where I can find out IYSWIM.

Still prepared to do counselling and anger management, just don't want to leave things in the air for too long.

orangepuffle Thu 07-Jul-11 19:08:58

Hi there.

Am going through the same thing. I'm going to list some random things that I have found to be invaluable advice that other folks have given to me.

Firstly, find a solicitor who will do half an hour free then you can decide if you want to continue to use them. If there is emotional abuse going on then I would start to detach a little from your H. Your sol will be able to put you in contact with your local mediation services, although that's further down the line.

Don't panic as yet about finances. I'm a year and a half into the divorce process and still no where near sorting out the house and assets. It's surprising how slow things move. However, DO collect as much info as possible. Knowledge is power.

Join Wikivorce, who are fantastic. You will be supported on every aspect of marriage breakdown and they are great at letting you know what will happen every step of the way. There are legal bods on there who can also give you an idea of the way money will pan out.

I also booked Relate sessions just for myself so I could be emotionally supported through the process. The most vauable thing from counselling that I have taken away is that I am not responsible for my H. No matter how much he complains that he is fed up, has no money, is working to hard...those are his feelings to own and are due to his choices. I cannot save him from his new life nor do I intend to.

orangepuffle Thu 07-Jul-11 19:11:10

Also remember that you can't be reasonable with someone who is unreasonable.

So, as simple as you feel you are making them you may be met with some resistance along the way. Don't argue or fight about it. Just detach further and keep your sane conversations for your solicitor.

mumblechum1 Thu 07-Jul-11 21:13:10

tbh without detailed info about your circs which you may not want to post here, it's difficult to advise anything other than getting a free half hour with a solicitor specialising in family law. All good family lawyers are listed on the website

If you have less than £100k equity and savings (your share, not joint) and are not earning then you may well be entitiled to public funding. You can check by going to the Legal Services Commision Website, go to the Eligibility Calculator for Legal Help. You just answer a few questions and it will tell you straight away whether you are eligible, so then you can narrow down your search for a lawyer according to whether they do public funding (lots don't these days, I haven't done public funding for 10 years)

Octopus3 Thu 07-Jul-11 21:35:55

Marking my place as I am in a similar situation.

totallyclueless Fri 08-Jul-11 10:31:40

thanks for the info. will try to find out a bit. I am very up in the air still. Most of the time dh can be a peach, but atleast every fortnight he's, well...and always holds me responsible (I am an antagonistic wife - he expects me to apologise for being antagonistic...and the 'red mist' has come down in the past, because of me, of course)

Still all that nonsense is for another thread - LOL

Not sure what direction to go in yet. He's always 'I love you so much, blah blah blah' after one of his outbursts

I am starting to wonder if a divorce would be less traumatic for the kids than them growing up and thinking this is normal! I'll give myself e few weeks and get info gathering.

totallyclueless Fri 08-Jul-11 10:32:36

btw - i do accept that it takes 2 to make a marriage work, so it's up to me too!

sneezecakesmum Fri 08-Jul-11 14:29:16

Totally I would look at counselling via relate first of all regarding his anger issues. Are they alcohol related, work related, follow a pattern? There is still hope for him if he realises his behaviour is unacceptable. The bail out signs are when they persist in thinking they are justified in this type of behaviour!

Counselling will hopefully enlighten you in what he is thinking of when he goes off on one, and from there you can take the divorce thing. If he refuses counselling then that is another indicator towards divorce because you cant go on like this espcially with DCs

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