ExP of BIL refusing to answer emails, letters etc.

[sneezecakesmum]

What does he do. It is very acrimonious, she threw him out before xmas, changed the locks, thrown his clothes on the lawn. He refuses to speak to her face to face,by phone or text as she is intimidating and he is a wimp! She demanded he signed the house over to her (joint names) or no property whatsoever back.

He has said via email they should seek mediation, but he wanted a half share (he is entitled) to the house and would start maintainance payments as soon as she liked. Now she knows he wont cave in she has said she has closed her email account so short of letters there is no way of contacting her.

Does BIL get a solicitor to write to her?

Can he write himself with his (reasonable) terms?

Will he have to take her to court if she ignores him and the solicitor?

Its all manipulation and brinkmanship with her. Her first husband was treated like this and she ran up £8000 solicitors fees (20 years ago) despite being told by him she was wasting money (stupid BIL paid that bill for her) ExH committed suicide soon after and BIL is on anti depressants now.

[sneezecakesmum]

He wants to delay that as long as possible because ExP emptied his bank account (his name) and a solicitor told him he cant get legal aid - think it is being cut back ? He just wants an idea of where it will all go from here.

Bank are seeing if they can prosecute, CCTV etc, so ongoing investigation.

Would a solicitor force her to go to court - her tactic is to get BIL to spend thousands on solicitors/court fees so that faced with the bill he will sign the house over to her. Would she be liable to any of the court fees?

He is getting advice from the CAB.

[sneezecakesmum]

I have heard of Resolution so will look into that for him - I gather its an organisation with solicitors everywhere? Families need fathers may help re maintainance. He wants to pay £25 per week for DD as advised by CSA, but if ExP wont cooperated and sign an agreement to this so we cant move forward. He is putting money away each week though. Thanks

[sneezecakesmum]

Resolution look brilliant, have just been on site and found joint agreement form for maintainance. BIL can send it to her/his address and if she tears it up nothing is lost, then as you say CSA!

BIL went to police just after he left (abusive texts, calling him p on facebook, and silent calls through night) and they said he had been mentally abused! Think they had a point! PS Closed facebook, not answering texts or mobile and blocking calls!

[sneezecakesmum]

And lots of solicitors where he lives and also mediators!

[sneezecakesmum]

I looked into that for BIL, hence police station. He is keeping all texts and calls and if she comes to his workshop he will call police and there is CCTV. She has calmed down a lot this last week as he has kept his cool instead of reacting and coming back.

Will send registered post certainly but we are waiting to see if the bank can prosecute for fraud re his account - dont want to angtagonise her as BILs DD is in the middle and very hurt by it all. Such a sad situation.

[Snorbs]

I absolutely agree that a) he needs to get in touch with Families Need Fathers fast, and b) to send a business-like and unemotional letter by registered post laying out what he wants. That doesn't mean she has to agree but it's a starting point for further negotiation.

The fact that the police believe she is being abusive is important. Your BIL may find ManKind helpful for advice about how best to cope with his ex's abuse. He needs to seriously consider formally reporting this to the police.

Could he just put the maintenance money in his ex's bank account by standing order? He doesn't need her agreement for that. Just make sure that the payments are marked as "CHILD MAINTENANCE FOR [DD's name]]" so that's how they appear in bank statements. It could save a lot of hassle in the future.

What about contact with his DD? That needs to be dealt with separately from finances but she's very important in all this. Does he have Parental Responsibility for her?

[sneezecakesmum]

Thank you Sn DD is 15 but apparently not allowed to have the money herself without mothers agreement. Also, have read recently that the child maintainance must be agreed for in written signed document by ExP as she can claim the money was for other bills, debt owed to her, etc. Even if his bank statements say CM its what she says - huge pitfall he wasn't aware of. Whats on his statement not relevant its what she tells a court when she goes back after a year and says her understanding was it was for debt BIL owed!! (he owes her nothing btw!)

At 15, nearly 16 I think DD can make her own mind up who she sees but at the moment she is living with ExP and seems scared to rock the boat and upset her mum. Before BIL was thrown out DD said she wanted to go with him if he ever went, and now he feels he has abandoned her. DD and BILs son, (now left home) were regularly thrown out - son ended up sleeping in wendy house with BIL going in middle of night to give him food so ExP didnt see him.

All so depressing for years but at our christmas party DH introduced BIL to really nice woman, and we think romance is blossoming. [soppy face emoticon] if anyone deserves it he does.

[sneezecakesmum]

Mankind - looks very interesting, emotional abuse of men by women is really a tabu subject and no real understanding of the psychology of abusive relationships. Told on MN that BIL should 'grow some balls' - feel a lack of compassionate understanding there!

[Snorbs]

I'm not saying you're wrong but this is the first time that I've heard you need a signed document from the recipient of maintenance to prove that it's maintenance. How odd.

Given how his DD is feeling I think it's really important that your BIL pulls out all the stops to keep in touch with her. Even if it's just by calls, texts and emails until proper contact can be arranged. She needs to know that he's not turning his back on her.

Unfortunately a few people on MN don't really believe that men can be victims of emotional abuse. The Men's Advice Line is worth a look too.

[sneezecakesmum]

I only read this recently and as stewie has pointed me to Resolution website there is a template form for her to sign.
It does make sense, she only has to say BIL owed her £2000 and that her understanding was that CM he made were not CM but debt repayment! If she signs she cant use that argument. She is very manipulative and knowledgeable so well capable of it! Pitfalls everywhere without solicitors!

DD was such a daddy's girl he would never desert her, but contacting DD? BIL has had some odd sounding texts from DD - thinks ExP was writing them, if he uses mutual friends or DS, its involving others who would be seen to take sides. Is she even receiving her texts? dont know. DD would suffer hell if her mum thought she was siding with BIL. What a nightmare!

[sneezecakesmum]

BIL will open an account for DD, but is already putting the money away.

I'll ask him to send postcards to DD and hope ExP does not see it first. If he sends them often enough she will get one sooner or later.

Cheers, he has a lot to go on with now and a direction - hope it ends happily for him, at least he's got DH and me behind him this time.

[Snorbs]

Could he hang around outside her school at kicking out time just so he could ask what the best way of keeping in touch is?

[sneezecakesmum]

snorbs. ExP called him a p on facebook, hanging around school gates not an option I think. lol (lol or cry!!!)

stewie. Will do that re money, will speak to him asap.

[sneezecakesmum]

Reading Mankind website and list of abuse poor old BIL ticks loads of boxes (not physical thank god) but 'controlling finances' (all in her name) 'running up huge credit card bills in his name' she did this last time he left for 4 months and forced him back as the house was about to be repossessed (and kids made homeless). BIL was found by police with hosepipe attached to car exhaust in middle of field

Poor DH is frantic with worry for him but i think he will be OK this time. I will kick his butt if he caves in!

[sneezecakesmum]

Went to see GP and prescribed anti depressents. Felt instantly happy, bless him, didnt have the heart to say they took two weeks to work! I really think the only therapy he needs at the moment is to excape ExP and stop being intimidated by her. He's a nice guy just soft as butter. Sounded cheerful just now though as there is 100 miles between him and ExP!

[sneezecakesmum]

Ta, will have a look then off to bed.

[ddrmum]

I can vouch for that StewieGriffinsMom!! Just coming out of an abusive and controlling relationship which did get physical & I am now so happy it's unreal. Saddens me that my ex messes with kids heads & they're very young. Sneezcakesmum - your BIL is lucky to have you and your support. He needs to keep strong and 'get in first'. Speak to the mortgage lender as well as the bank and really importantly ensure that the emotional abuse is logged with the police with any updates also recorded - keep any txts, emails etc. May also be worth him getting a non-molestation order for further down the line - it won't get easier for a while yet. There is light at the end of the tunnel, just hang on in there. Wishing you all the best xx