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can 11 year old choose where to live?

(17 Posts)
reinitindear Tue 04-Jan-11 10:28:54

Quick background my dd is 11 my ex h and I split when she was 8 months old he saw her for about 18 months there was then a break of 3 years where he stopped contact. I initiated contact again and since then himself and his wife have seen dd 3 times a year for a total of approx 25 days. This all takes place just on my say so although have always been totally flexible and told them they can have her whenever and for however long they choose to only see her for these times.She has just come back saying that she wants to see what it is like living there.I obviously don't think this is best for her and it would mean her losing contact with all her parental family as he does not speak to them and she currently sees or speaks to grand parents and aunties etc at least once a month.Sorry to ramble but my brain is swimming and my heart is breaking but my question is do I have to let her go? Also just 5 weeks ago she didn't want to go and was threatening to take an empty case with her to prove a point as he pays nothing towards her upkeep.It feels like she has been brain washed and I am suddenly the bad guy.

reinitindear Tue 04-Jan-11 10:31:52

Also I feel they should have just said "You live with your Mum" and rung me to warn me.Instead they have discussed schools and things with her and let her come home and tel me herself.

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 04-Jan-11 10:37:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reinitindear Tue 04-Jan-11 10:53:46

Thank you.She has it in head that she really wants to go and may hate me for opposing it but I genuinely feel it is not for the best.Glad to see a court would not just take her decision.

prh47bridge Tue 04-Jan-11 10:54:01

Your daughter's wishes would be taken into consideration by the courts if your ex applied for a residence order. Her views would be a significant factor but that does not necessarily mean the courts will do what she wants. You certainly don't have to let her go unless your ex gets a residence order.

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 04-Jan-11 11:08:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reinitindear Tue 04-Jan-11 11:41:30

It is completely out of the blue and I am reeling from it to be honest.They have recently discovered they are expecting and I am wondering if that has any bearing on the situation.Also would CAFCASS wonder how she would be supported seeing as he has been unable to support her for 4 years?

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 04-Jan-11 12:10:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 04-Jan-11 13:09:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 04-Jan-11 13:19:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reinitindear Tue 04-Jan-11 13:31:29

Glad you love your cats though grin

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 04-Jan-11 17:10:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Resolution Wed 05-Jan-11 00:22:46

Just an idea....

How about you tell her that she can start off having more regular contact, she can see how that goes, and build up from there. She may find out soon enough that the grass isn't greener.

If that fails, buy her a puppy!

reinitindear Thu 06-Jan-11 10:58:33

The thing is at the moment it is her Dad that chooses to have that level of contact so that would be down to him iyswim. I have always said that he can have her for as long and as often as he likes in school holidays,weekends etc. I suggested the full Easter and summer holidays but she said she wanted to see what he is like to live with. I am hoping that once she is settled back in her routine with all her friends she will change her mind as I will fight it if needs be as I truly think it would not be of benefit to her. Thank you and you are right a Pup would work but we are in rented accomadation and no pets allowed sad

Resolution Thu 06-Jan-11 11:07:55

Sorry - the puppy idea was a flippant comment and not meant to be taken seriously.

reinitindear Thu 06-Jan-11 11:58:28

No you are right an 11 year old could be won over with a puppy!Which is why I am so cross that they entered into a conversation in the first place she is a baby still really and can@t see beyond the superficial.I didn't take it seriously no worries smile

Resolution Thu 06-Jan-11 12:44:26

Still try and build up contact. Speak to her father and make him an offer of more contact. See how he responds, and how your daughter then deals with that.

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