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Help please - splitting - who to move out?

(7 Posts)
rufusdufus Sat 06-Nov-10 20:17:48

My dh are sadly splitting soon. I am instigating it for a variety of reasons, but none of them are his 'fault', there is no abuse or anything of that nature.

We have owned a house together for 12 years and been married for four years. We have one dd who is 10.

We both work full time and earn similiar amounts. We also share childcare.

When we split, we are hoping to share residency of our daughter and buy two smaller houses (we have enough equity in our current house to enable us to both put deposits down on 2 new but much smaller houses). He suggests that we add together the rent and mortgage then divide by two (which we could just about afford to do). That way, I'm not shirking my responsibilities for covering the mortgage.

But - what to do in the short term? Dh has said (reasonably) that he does not want to move out. I understand this, as he is not instigating the split and although fully aware and understanding of my reasons for splitting, would be willing to live alongside me for a while (although I know deep down he would hope that I would change my mind). He has said he would help me to set myself up if I moved out. I would obviously have to rent until the house was sold, because I can't buy straight away until our equity is released when the house is sold. I know we could continue to live together and the house might be sold quickly.

I also know that in this climate, houses can take months to sell. Although we are really trying to be amicable, I know that dh is hurting badly and surely living alongside him would make the pain worse over a longer period of time? Also, if I rent, I would be happy to wait for dh to buy a property and settle himself once our house is sold before I buy mine.

Do I need to do anything legally about this? Although we are amicable, am I being naive to even consider leaving our house? I also seriously worry that dd will feel I am deserting her (although she will spend half of the time with me in our rented house) I am sure she will obviously feel that her 'home' is still with her dad (although this will be on the market).

Any advice/experience/suggestions gratefully received from anyone in this very difficult situation.

Sazisi Sat 06-Nov-10 20:26:37

Some friends of mine splitted up amicably, and they continued to share the house until it was sold then divided the equity equally. They share custody of their children.
I think that's the ideal, as long as no one is being really unpleasant.
If it were me, I would try this first then rethink the situation if it got intolerable.
If you do move out, don't do so without seeking legal advice first.

rufusdufus Sat 06-Nov-10 20:36:32

Thanks sazisi

I have thought about seeking legal advice. I know it sounds crazy but I don't want to make things worse ifyswim, although obviously wouldn't do something stupid without ultimately seeking legal advice.

I do wonder if there is some sort of contract/agreement that could be sorted before I moved out?

AruMom1 Wed 17-Nov-10 12:00:10

You could sign a separation agreement that would carry weight in a court of law if a dispute arises. Once your initial divorce decree comes through you could convert this into a consent order...
Sadly I am well informed of this process due to my bitter bitter ongoing divorce...arising as a result of not signing a separation agreement when things were still amicable...

Wellwasi Wed 17-Nov-10 12:12:34

I'll tell you what we did. Very similar situation to you.
We stayed in the FMH I raised a mortgage for half the equity which went to my ex-wife. She bought a house with a mortgage.

We lived together after the split for about 6 months. It was tough at times but time passes.

I wouldn't move out until the finances are sorted.

STIDW Wed 17-Nov-10 13:12:49

The usual legal advice is for both parties to remain in the former matrimonial home until arrangements for finances and children are in place.

mumoverseas Fri 19-Nov-10 07:11:21

Agree with STIDW. If you move out now, there is no incentive for your DH to deal with financial matters and put the house on the market etc. If possible, best to stay put until all financial matters have been resolved. As others have said, perhaps you could think about entering into a separation agreement at this time. Presume you are thinking of divorcing in the future on the basis of 2 years separation and his consent? If so, it might be worth thinking about a separation agreement and then once divorce proceedings issued and DN prononced you could lodge a Consent Order at the Court setting out the financial arrangements that have been agreed.

Sadly, although separations quite often start off amicably, you may find that a few years down the line your H is not so reasonable, particularly as you've said he doesn't want the marriage to end. He may just being reasonable now as he is hopefull you may change your mind but in a few years time he may feel differently.
Good luck

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