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ashamed of my feelings

(47 Posts)
tootsweets Tue 14-Jul-09 11:21:58

I had my 4th dd 9 weeks ago and although I love her to bits I am so disappointed she wasn't the son I have longed for. I was so sure I only wanted 4 children but now I cannot bear to get rid of any baby stuff as in my confused state I want to try again. To make matters worse my younger sister had a baby boy 2 weeks ago and although I am happy for her I am finding it so difficult.
I am the eldest of 5 girls and my mum says she felt the same but it doesnt help me with my feelings. We live in a 3 bedroomed house and can't really afford another baby and my dh cannot cope with the kids we have got. Any advice anyone?

rolledhedgehog Tue 14-Jul-09 11:33:20

Can you reflect on what it is you think a boy would bring to your family that a girl can't. Sometimes it helps to try think super-rationally. I have both genders and personality is more indicative of their behaviour than gender in my opinion.

AppleandMosesMummy Tue 14-Jul-09 22:57:24

If I have a boy next time I'll swap with you grin
Honestly my neighbor had a boy after 3 girls and she says it is absolutely no different from her girls and she was terrified of having a boy.
I really don't think you'd have got anything different from a boy really, get a male dog for rough and tumble play

tootsweets Wed 15-Jul-09 09:57:28

Thanks for your replies. Think a lot of my feelings are a result of my mum's quest for a son whilst we were growing up. Might still go for number 5 though as a I love having a larger family.

FlamingoOfTheShineyCult Wed 15-Jul-09 10:03:12

We try not to treat our 4 girls any differently than we would if they were boys. They're just children and all very different indeed.

My mum's (who had a boy and a girl) said, each time I've been pregnant: "I bet you'll notice a difference if it's a boy" and every time. But all my children are completely different from each other so I really believe that gender has very little to do with it. Two of mine are very, very physically adventurous and take huge risks - they play very like boys in that respect. One is potty about trains. They all play with dolls, but then so do my friends' sons. They like lego, and climbing trees, and playing rough and tumble, and being very noisy grin

The benefits of having all the same sex, and knowing that you'll have no more children, is that you can stop worrying that anything you buy needs to be unisex to get its money-worth out of it! Not that we, as the adults, worry about gender specific colouring, but ours do like pink and sparkly. Although some of my friends' boys do too...

AppleandMosesMummy Wed 15-Jul-09 10:39:38

I do understand the pressure from parents, my mother made it quite clear when we were growing up she would have preferred boys, as she was really into sports and football, the funny thing is when she got one he was very musical and not in the slightest bit interested in sports but has caused her no end of worry, in trouble at school, with the police etc etc.

fufflebum Wed 15-Jul-09 10:57:30

Congratulations on your 4th DC!!!!

I agree with previous posters. IME the fact that a child is a boy or a girl is not important as they all have individual personalities.

My DD loves rough and tumble and has never really liked dolls. My son however, even at 15 months loves playing with dolls something my DD has never done! How does this fit in the stereotype?

If you think your feelings may be a result of your mothers attitude when you were growing up, perhaps it is worth considering your feelings in more detail and how they are exhibited within your family with your children.

You are still getting over the birth of your forth DC, give yourself time. I am sure you have a lot on your plate.

In life there is often an element of wanting what we don't have (people with straight hair want it curly, blondes want it brunette). I have met people with 3 girls, wanting a boy and three boys wanting a girl. Sometimes so much so they overlook what they have! Whatever you are feeling is OK. I am not able to advise you on what you should do that is up to you. However, I would be cautious that your preferences don't go on and influence your children in the way that you feel your mothers influences yours.

I am not sure if that helps and it is just my opinion for what it is worth.

Good luck.

nappyaddict Wed 15-Jul-09 11:18:11

Apparently once you have 4 of the same gender then you are likely to keep having that same gender.

CrushWithEyeliner Wed 15-Jul-09 11:22:04

Do you feel bonded with your new baby? As nappy addict says you are obviously more likely to have girls; how would you feel if no. 5 was another wee girl? I think your DH has to be united with you 100% on your quest for another.

forehead Wed 15-Jul-09 11:25:07

My SIL always preferred boys and was extremely disappointed when she had a third dd. However that third dd is a lovely, wonderful child who has just achieved the highest scores in her year 6 exams. My sil is so proud and is ashamed about the fact that she wasn't happy when her dd was born.
There's nothing wrong with being disappointed, but don't allow that disappointment to spoil what should be a time of joy, the birth of a new child. If you decide to go for number five make sure it is because you want another dc and not because you are hoping for a son, as you could find yourself facing more disappointment.
Give yourself some time, after all you have just had a baby.

PeachyTheRiverParrettHarlot Wed 15-Jul-09 11:31:57

From what I have read I think you are more likely to have a boy following a large run of girls than vice vera (I have 4 boys)

However I would simply say treat yourself gently and give lots of time. There's no need to decide anything yet, just allow everything to settle

congrats on your DD

tootsweets Wed 15-Jul-09 20:38:43

Thanks all,

Will give myself time.Cannot imagine not being pregnant again though. Still am 35 so I suppose I have a while to make a final decision. You never know...

hollyfort Wed 15-Jul-09 21:12:04

i'm kinda in the same boat and feel so lousy for even typin this but i suppose we can't help the way we feel. i have one dd aged 5 and then ds1 is 3, ds 2 is nearly two and had ds 3 12 weeks ago. when i was pregnant i wasn't constantly thinkin that i wanted a girl, i just wanted a healthy baby but since ds 3 was born i have been feelin sad about not havin another girl cos i always said i would just have four kids. i hate feelin flat about my family especially since i was so lookin forward to this baby regardless of it's sex. some days i'm really happy and then a lot of the time i can feel a bit flat. part of me thinks it would be nice to have another baby regardless of the sex and then sometimes i think if i had another baby would i feel like this again if i had another boy, god i feel so bad sayin this when so many people out there can't have kids at all.

tootsweets Thu 16-Jul-09 07:03:02

Sounds like we have similar feelings. like you say it is the guilt mainly as we have 4 healthy kids and should feel lucky which I do generally. These other feelings keep popping up though. Will they ever go? Don't want to feel like this forever.

hollyfort Thu 16-Jul-09 10:22:19

i'm sure the feelings will go in time and hopefully this time next yr we won't be able to imagine life any other way! i just feel so crappy cos i didn't feel like such a mixed bag of emotions after any of my other kids, well actually i did after my first cos i had a c section and was obbessed about havin natural deliveries which i did. do you mind if i ask what is it that really drives you to want a boy, i always wanted a boy too but i suppose in the long run i wanted 2 of each, talk about being greedy!!

tootsweets Thu 16-Jul-09 11:00:29

I suppose most of the drive for a son has come from my mum. But a boy would be a welcome change, feel like I am drowning in pink! Also a chance to potentially do different activities and feel the achievement of having a mixed family whilst giving my dh some male company.

bethoo Thu 16-Jul-09 11:05:47

a woman does not have any influence over the gender as it is dependant on the male!

juuule Thu 16-Jul-09 12:32:19

I'm not entirely convinced of that Bethnoo. It has been put forward that the conditions in the female can be more favourable to one gender than the other. Which might explain why a man only has one gender of children with one partner but has different gender children with a different partner.

I think it's possibly more complicated than just being down to the male.

bethoo Thu 16-Jul-09 13:49:28

well the womans egg is only ever an X chromosome and the sperm is either an X or a Y so that is the biology part out the way.
but i am aware that there are theories that perhaps some sperm (forget which gender) prefer more alkali conditions etc. also that a male sperm lives longer but a female sperm is faster so if you want a boy it is said that it is best ot have sex approx 3 days before ovulation so females are dying out by then increasing chance of a son.
my dp has two dd to his xw. i have a boy and girl from a previous partner. i am 15 weeks pregnant. who wants to bet it is female?? smile

tootsweets Thu 16-Jul-09 14:23:56

Have been told by my doctor that I don't stand a chance of having a boy with my dh. Although a friend had a boy after 3 girls after doing research. Whatever that means. She is quite cagey about it!

forehead Thu 16-Jul-09 19:16:24

Tootsweets your doctor is talking a load of shite i know many people who have had a son after three daughters.

CarGirl Thu 16-Jul-09 19:20:31

There is less chance of having the opposite sex the more you have of the same sex IYSWIM, so 2nd child it's still pretty much 50/50, then 3rd it drops, by 4th its around 80% the same etc etc that assumes you are not trying to sway the outcome by monitoring your cycle etc etc. There is always a chance you will have the opposite sex though.

lockets Thu 16-Jul-09 19:23:01

Message withdrawn

tootsweets Fri 17-Jul-09 18:06:59

Thank for all the info. Am pretty sure if I had another dc it would be a girl. But you never know. Have seen the Shettles theory on natural gender selection. Has anyone tried it?

insywinsyspider Fri 17-Jul-09 21:12:35

just a quick post, I have 3 ds's and tried shettles for ds3 to get a dd, it didn't work for us. I'm starting to think that you can't really affect it, you get the family thats right for you - give yourself time before thinking about dc5, your dd is still tiny, enjoy this time and don't feel guilty about wanting a ds, can you talk openly about it with anyone? thats helped me and also check out this site in case that helps

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