Any regrets on that extra child?(10 Posts)
Just wondered...? Do you sometimes think what it would be like if hadnt gone for 3rd/4th/5th or 6th.?
I always wanted 4... found 3 under 3 very demanding. Had pnd for first time after 3rd and look a long time wrestling with my desire for a 4th and the possibility of inflicting pnd on my (evern bigger) family after another birth.
But...I went for it, had pnd, but dealt with it quite well...only "issue" I have is that there is nearly a 5 yr gap between 3 and 4...so holiday, days out planning etc is cutailed by her needs -- for the time being -- however she is delightful -- might have been another story if she was anything like my 3rd..! -- I have really enjoyed her babyhood as I have had the time to enjoy her (despite pnd)... bit more work with 4...but she has brought so mch joy to our family...all of the children adore her and it has been wonderful seeing their caring sides...whereas the first 3 demonstrate this less to each other as they are so close in age.
I feel awful for typing this, but although I love DC3 to bits I do sometimes wish that we'd been a lot more careful. There are 9 and 7 years between him and DS1 and DD. I'm becoming very aware of the gap now as DS1 starts high school this year and DD is nearly 10 now. All our friends have kids the same age, and we are right back to the beginning with a toddler. We're skint (again), can't really do the things we want to (ski-ing, walking, evening meals out), and I'm 40 and DH is 46, which means that DS2 will be 16 when DH turns 60.
DS2 is gorgeous and we all adore him, but from time to time I do wonder "what if..."
When I had Ds2 (who is 20 months), Ds1 was 10, DD1 was 7 and DD2 was 6. I am back to where we started, needing sleep, and having to wonder what to do to entertain him. I adore him but I sometimes think back when I got a full nights sleep....
We have 4 and one on the way - aged 10, 6, 5 and 1
I don't have any regrets tbh - the age gap works out ok for us at the oldest is working towards a bit more independence and is also a willing helper with the smaller ones. There are lots of things we can all do - trips to the seaside, swimming, baking etc but it's also possible to separate sometimes so they can all pursue their own interests. It does take a bit more planning - for example when the middle 2 were on a recent playdate, I took the youngest to the park and dp took the oldest to the cinema. This week end I am taking the 2 youngest to a party and dp is taking the older 2 on a bike ride that would be too far for the others to manage.......
I think I would struggle if I wasn't meticulously organised and a bit of a control freak!
I sometimes think dp finds having lots of kids a bit stressful sometimes and is secretly a bit concerned about managing when our latest (unplanned!) addition arrives. He has not said anything but I think he is worried about giving them all the individual attention they need and also making time for us as a couple rather than just being "parents" all the time.
I think the gap is the issue really ...it has been great in so many ways was much easier and more enjoyable for me and the other childen ...but it is the skiing...holidays...civilised stuff really that we have to compromise on...although me nearly 11 yearold will be able to babysit soon...and maybe with a big family we shoudl consider Dad taking big ones skiing...or leaving little one with cousin if we want to do a day out etc...?..onlt thing I am dreading doing again ...is teaching her to read and swimming lessons!
The way I see it is that I went ski ing for the first time with the school at 12, I liked it and then it became something I decided I wanted to do rather than inflicted on me by parents who skied and therefore made me.
That's how I plan for mine to experience things like that for the first time and this whole parenting thing is a marathon not a sprint, why can't we go on family holidays like that when they are 20, 18, 16 and 10 in my kids case ? Loads of time for all that.
I know in my 20's I was considered off their hands and time for my parents to enjoy themselves where as I was then quite lonely and made some terrible choices which maybe 2 weeks with my family might have helped me avoid.
It seems to me families put loads of pressure on themselves to pay the mortgage, go on fancy holidays, do everything whilst the children are young when actually they are still your child at 25 so why not treat them then and you might not be so burnt out you want rid of them, does that make sense ?? Hope so.
I am a mum of 5.I had my first at 24,he's now 18,and my youngest is 9 months. We had our 4th when we were under a lot of stress - both working full-time,building a new house, she wasn't planned, and I think all that stress contributed to her being a very unhappy baby. By the time she was one, we decided enough was enough and had a vasectomy. But 6 years later I realised that I wasn't done having kids,and by the time my hubby had the reversal, then ttc for 7 months,our baby was born 8 years after our last.I can't tell you how much better it is having this large gap.It has been so much easier with many pairs of hands to help out, and watching the older siblings with the baby is delightful.
This time round I plan to be a stay at home mum,which is much less stressful,and we have resigned ourselves to living cheaply and not having all the extra stuff...which I believe is better for the kids.
I do worry about our son being lonely,and would love to have another baby close to him, but it seems unlikely.I will be 43 and DH will be 49 this year!
I agree with Kathybrown,I think families do put themselves under alot of pressure to do too much.I think kids prefer having their parents attention whether on an expensive holiday or hanging out at home.And if you asked my kids,I'm sure they'd say they'd rather have their baby brother than expensive toys and outings.
Kathybrown I think that was a wonderful post. My dad is always trying to make me feel guilty about having had 3 dc close together.We do not have expensive holidays (yet) but my kids are loved and happy. I was taken (or sent) on lots of skiing holidays in aspen and had expensive stuff thrown at me but I was the most unloved and lonely child in all the world..or so I felt.
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