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I'm near to tears right now. Just need some reassurance.

(23 Posts)
Zola78 Tue 10-Feb-09 21:30:26

I just found out today that I'm pregnant with baby no 4. I always wanted 4 children but my dh only ever wanted 2 but he agreed to 3. So after 3 was born we weren't gonna have anymore but here we are.

We weren't using the most reliable form of contraception(withdrawal) but we hadn't had any slip ups. We also used condoms so I'm not sure how!!! This is not how I wanted to have my 4th. When I told my dh today he hasn't smiled yet or hugged me. He seems just gutted. I know he needs time but he's never been like this and I'm so close to crying.

Furthermore, my 3DSs are 4, 3, & 1. I just don't feel ready or equipped. Please someone reply and tell me it's gonna be alright??? I've already said if I can just make it to next year september (2010) I'll be alright I'm just not so sure about my marriage and I've never said that before.

Lilyloo Tue 10-Feb-09 21:37:25

Oh Zola it will work out one way or another.
I guess he is just shocked.
Mine are 6 , 4 and 1 and i would be feeling just as you as would dp feeling like your dh.
I am also looking forward to school for dd1 as having two there makes things 'easier'.

Claire2301 Tue 10-Feb-09 21:41:45

Aww you poor thing, I was a nanny in Ireland to 4 kids - 5yrs, 3yrs, 21months and 2 weeks (when I arrived) once you get into a routine things are manageable. Have you got family around to help you out sometimes as it is very tiring?

Congratulations by the way.

smellen Tue 10-Feb-09 21:45:04

Big hug. Am sure your DH will welcome this baby once he has got over the shock! I was one of four, and we had a blast!

Do you have family close by that will be able to help you out when the LO arrives?

Zola78 Tue 10-Feb-09 22:35:08

I don't have family close by. Both my mum and my in laws live about 100 miles from me. I want to be a good mum and I just hope I can be with that many children so close together and still so demanding. I hope I'm on here in a year's time saying how wonderful it all is.

Madmentalbint Wed 11-Feb-09 07:25:11

My fourth was a 'suprise' too. DH had wanted two, but agreed to 3, and then along came #4. When I told DH he was less than pleased. sad At the time my youngest had just turned one and I was still recovering from a difficult labour and birth.

DH soon came round to the idea though (he didn't really have much choice grin ) and I went on to have a brilliant pregnancy. By the time I had reached my second trimester the baby couldn't have been more loved and wanted by us all, and now we could never imagine our lives without her. DH has even hinted at #5 on a few occassions! Sometimes these things happen but it's always for a reason. You will cope, and more than that, you'll enjoy your new addition to your family. Just give your head a while to catch up and adjust

Good luck

Madmentalbint Wed 11-Feb-09 07:30:13

If you want some practical support you could try contacting your local Sure Start scheme to see what help they might be able to offer.

You could also contact your local college as I know they often need placements for childcare students. You can't leave your children with them unsupervised but it gives you a chance to fling the hoover round or have a shower in peace.

ChopsTheDuck Wed 11-Feb-09 08:36:28

he is in shock and he needs some time to get used to the idea. When I fell pg with our thrid unexpectedly, dp barely spoke to me for three days, but he got used to the idea. Then the scan showed twins, and he went into shock again!
Don't pressurise him, just give him a little space to get used to the idea. I had four under the age of 5, it is hard work, but the rewards are huge, and it does get easier as the oldest start school.

congratulations smile

cba Wed 11-Feb-09 09:07:31

zola, i know exactly how you feel. We have three, 8,6 and 3.6 and I have found out i am pregnant with number 4. We had decided three was enough but here i am now 6 weeks pregnant with number 4.

I am a little sad but dh is devastated. He has even hinted at having a termination but i dont think i could do it.

I must admit i am really daunted at the thought of four, although by the time this one is born all three will be at school.

dh is worried that we wont be able to travel as much and start to enjoy ourselves as we were just starting to get a bit of freedom as a couple.

I bet you are in bits, it is so hard

KristinaM Wed 11-Feb-09 09:14:40

zola - you will be fine! its just the shock and teh hormones making you feel like this. your older one will be at school and your 3yo at nursery part time so it will be just the toddler and the baby at home. what age will your now one year old be when the baby is born?

i have 18 montsh between my youngest two and it was hard with the Bf when he was a baby but it gets easier.Honest

i agree with the others who say your Dh just needs time to get used to it. after all, if he was really determined to not have any more kids he would have done something about it.....please don't feel bad, it takes two to make a baby. Just because your baby wasn't planned doesn't mean that he/she will not be wanted. you just need some time to adjust

Zola78 Wed 11-Feb-09 13:04:19

My baby 21 months when the baby gets here. I am getting use to the idea. Yesterday I was still in shock. Today I'm organising my thoughts. My 2 yr old (3 in April) needs to be potty trained before the baby. My difficult 1 yr old needs to start sleeping through properly. I need to prepare my 4 yr old for school anyway.

Loads of things need doing but I pray I'll get there. Thanks for all the suppport and advice

smellen Wed 11-Feb-09 14:36:00

There is a national charity called Homestart - volunteers (all CRB checked I believe) come into your home for a couple of hours a week and help you with whatever you need doing - whether that be the ironing, some cleaning, or just to take your kids out for a walk so you can have a break. One of my friends does it, and she is lovely with grown up children of her own, so knows how hard it can be at times. Have often thought that it must be nice to have someone like her come in to help out once a week, without it being someone "official" (and possibly officious, IYSWIM!) Perhaps you might contact your local branch and see if they can help you out a little.
Even if you just have someone come in and listen to you talk about your worries, sometimes it's just the emotional support that can get you through the hardest of days.

I'm glad you sound a bit more cheerful about it today. Hopefully your OH will get used to the idea too, and as MadMentalBint says, your LO will be loved whilst still in utero. (Nice postings MMB, by the way).

hotpotmama Wed 11-Feb-09 22:15:44

You'll be fine. It'll probably be hard work but am sure it is anyway with 3 so you may not notice any difference there!

Try to think about all the positive things about having 4. They will always have someone to play with, your house will be full of fun and laughter. I was one of 4 and it was great!

When your beautiful baby is here you will just be so glad you had him/ her smile

KayHarker Thu 12-Feb-09 14:24:58

Similar gaps for mine, and I'd definitely second the Homestart recommendation. They're wonderful.

georgiemum Thu 12-Feb-09 14:26:27

Think of it as a gift. A lovely surpise gift.

Yurtgirl Thu 12-Feb-09 14:30:57

Yes yes to homestart - I volunteer for them so obviously am biased

Another mn homestart volunteer talks of her superwoman cape - personally I think homestart should market them as a sort of uniform

Zola38 Goodluck with it all, i hope dh comes around soon (it was his sperm after all!) I bet the baby will be gorgeous

comparethePeachydotcom Thu 12-Feb-09 14:31:09

smellen homestart volunteers are not supposed to do ironing / cleaning (although a few might), they do however offer lots of moral supporta nd help mum get organised / have a break which is invaluabe. Theya redefiniitely CRB checked yes (ex employee).

You will be OK Zola. If he's still like this in a weekm make an evening to talk about it but give him some space and time to reconcile himself.

comparethePeachydotcom Thu 12-Feb-09 14:32:15

well done yurtgirl, I bet you have amde a significant difference and you should be proud of youreself (ex organsier, me) so paid and no 'dibs' due)

Zola78 Thu 12-Feb-09 20:08:39

Dh and I haven't really talked about the pregnancy. I think we've got so much on with the other children and work I don't think that either of us really know what to say or do. Every now and again I think it will be great and then one of the children start moaning and another starts crying and another is under my feet. Then I think argh!

I will look into the homestart thing but if I'm honest I'm very proud and hate to think I need help but realistically I might. The baby is due in October and my oldest will be at school and ds2 will be at pre school. I have actually been at home with 3 under 4. I am right now. But saying that there have been days where I've really struggled so like I said will look into homestart.

Thanks everyone

piximon Thu 12-Feb-09 22:59:57

Hi Zola, for the logistics of coping with them, there will be difficult days and then there'll be the days when you're on top of everything thinking it's not so hard after all. They'll grow up close together in age and hopefully very good friends.

I have 5 dcs (ds 6, dd 4, b/g dts 2, ds 10mths). I have some tough days but overall I'm fine. I have no regrets.

Dh was just getting his head around the idea of dc3 when I told him it was dts, he was definitely not ready for so many dcs but he came around to the idea and wouldn't be without any of them now.

I really feel for you, if I can be of any help give me a shout or email me: piximon at gmail dot com

Zola78 Fri 13-Feb-09 18:38:02

Thanks Piximon. You may get a scary email from a pschotic Zola in about 3-4 months time. I get what you mean about good days and bad days it's very much like that now in the house. I love it and them.

Sorrento Thu 19-Feb-09 22:00:56

Is there no way you could move closer to your family/mum.
That's a big consideration for me, if I have another (DC4) I'm going home.
People often say it's easier once they get to school but I disagree, the sheer drag of being tied to school hours and the boredom of the routine make this stage quite hard for me, enjoy the pre school days they are fantastic.

mulranno Wed 03-Jun-09 15:11:40

Zola are you doing now?

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