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About to tell my parents that DH and I are having number 4. They are going to Freak.

(21 Posts)
Vian Tue 02-Sep-08 13:20:41

Long so feel free to ignore. I didn't know if I should put it in relationships or here.

I shouldn't really care about what my dad and stepmonster think. They are 3500 miles away in another country. I am in the UK happy with DH and our 3 gorgeous kids. We wanted a 4th and can afford it so we are doing it. We both work in a family friendly environment that gives great hours and we are managing very well. Fuck the USA I ain't going back there.

I am getting to the stage where I am really going to have to tell my vitamin obsessed clean freak baby boomer parents that we are again adding to the family. When I told them about DC 1, 2, and 3, I got nothing but stoney silence for awhile. They can't understand why anyone would have more than one or two dc. They think we should take holidays eat out all the time like the two of them.

My dad has said that we are crazy for having a large family and I can tell he really looks down on it. All my parents obsess about is getting us to move back to their part of the world and they will just see baby number 4 as another cog in the wheel.

I don't really want to relocate back there now and they just can't deal with having us so far away. Guilt guilt guilt. I get shit for having 3 kids and guilt because we can't fly over there as much so they can see the kids. I get guilt trips if they have to pay out to visit here.

The thing is that DH, kids and I are happy right were we are and want another baby so why should we make a transatlantic move and not have a child just to please them? My dad saw my third dc as "another plane ticket to buy". My stepmum asks how we can handle "the noise and mess". Then they act like we are criminals because we keep the kids so far away.

My sister lives down the road from them and has 2 beautiful young daughters and a nice DH. When she brings the kids around my stepmonster follow them around the house with a broom and dustpan shooting my dad dirty looks which gets him all tense. Their comment to my sister was "we wanted so much more for you and Vian than to be baby machines".

But they piss and moan that we won't sell our house and give up our good jobs and move over there so they can be near the kids. I feel bad leaving my dear sis to deal with them alone.

I know I should just forget about them but it really bothers me. We held back on going for baby number 4 because I was afraid of what they would think/say. I don't know why they stress me out so much. I am 30 and live in another country FFS.

Give me some really good comebacks to use when I announce that we are having another dc!

ComeOVeneer Tue 02-Sep-08 13:24:40

Sorry but I would just tell them to mind their own business and if they have nothing good to say then say nothing. What you do with your klife and how many children you choose to have is nothing to do with them. You are an adult and aren't asking for anything from them so it is your business.

Sorry you are having the stress. Try not to let it affect you (easier said than done I know - even as an adult it is amazing the hold our parents still seem to have over us).

multitasker Tue 02-Sep-08 13:28:54

Good luck to you and your wonderful family Vian, look after your health and I agree with what COV said, it is sad what an enormous hold our parents have over us all our lives.

CarGirl Tue 02-Sep-08 13:29:38

Are you brave enough to say to them, you chose what you wanted for your life I'm choosing what makes me happy for mine.

Tell them via the birth announcement????? Invite your Sis to come and live in the UK???

TheMadHouse Tue 02-Sep-08 13:30:29

I think that it is wonderful that you have the ability to have another child and so would most people.

I think that they are trying to live their lives through you - All I want for my DS's is for them to be happy - I think it is awful that they had higher hopes for you sad

I wouldnt tell them, until you are about 12 weeks and just be really happy about it as you truely are. I am sure you sis will understand if you speak to her first.

Anyway Congratulations

Vian Tue 02-Sep-08 13:42:42

Oh my sister would move here in a heartbeat but her Dh won't get on a plane. She comes here all the time to visit with her dds though. Loves it. She begs me to go back there to help her deal with my parents BS. With a 4th baby on the way I doubt I will go back there for a very long time.

I wish my parents were more like my inlaws who are relaxed, happy, and love kids. My dh thinks this is funny. He is dying to tell them. Need to go out now. I just need to not think about what they think. They're miserable.

AnnVan Tue 02-Sep-08 14:16:18

So sad that they can't accept your choices for your life! I know how hard it is to deal with difficult parents, though mine are dificult in a different way to yours! It's so hard to stand up to them, because you don't want to cause trouble. Point is though - whether they like it or not, this baby is coming and they'll have to accept that sooner or later. Try not to take their stupid comments to heart.

CarGirl Tue 02-Sep-08 14:40:12

get your dh to ring them, "What fantastic news, we're having another baby due XXX we are so thrilled, speak soon, byeeeeeeeeeeee"

Vian Tue 02-Sep-08 17:02:14

That's a good one. I am still putting it off. My dad seems to believe that our move back there is "imminent" even though he knows that the housing market is crappy at the moment and we haven't applied for a visa for dh or even put our house on the market.

He is going to freak.

pedilia Tue 02-Sep-08 17:04:15

I dreaded telling my parents that I was having a 4th, they also cannot understand why wnyone would want four children.

I pay and care for my children by myself so why should it be anyones elses businessangry

hecate Tue 02-Sep-08 17:06:20

Don't tell them. They'll find out soon enough and when they ask you why you never said anything you can tell them it is because they are so judgemental about your choices and you had no intention of allowing their negativity to ruin something you are actually thrilled about.

meemar Tue 02-Sep-08 17:11:13

I like what hecate said. Do that.

And congratulations smile

fransmom Tue 02-Sep-08 17:11:49

congratulations sweetheart xxx

i think that perhaps what may be upsetting you (and please correct me if i am wrong) is that at any age, at some point, we may <<fm's disclaimer>> want our parents approval and i think this stems/is an overhang from childhood.

fwiw i think its your business and none of theirs and they are being extremly silly and really very selfish.

why won't your sis dh come over? is it the plane thing?

ComeOVeneer Tue 02-Sep-08 17:17:32

Do you actually want to move back? (where ever "back" is). What would be the benefits (if any) of you returning, or is it just family pressure that is driving you to consider it? If you are happy here doing well then why do you all nedd to up sticks?

jellybeans Tue 02-Sep-08 17:22:27

I was scared to death of telling my parents, they have a thing about not having more than 2 kids and were awful from my 3rd onwards. They had me in tears after telling them we were having #5. I was peed with them for making me so upset as we pay for and care well for our kids and not on benefits etc. They tried making out they were concerned for my health but really it was all about them... We rarely ask them to babysit etc. I forgive them as it is there only fault, they are otherwise great. MIL is very simelar but FIL was fab.

clm0711 Fri 05-Sep-08 10:27:39

my dh would like another baby that would be 6 but the only thing that stops me is the reaction from others mainly our families.
my dh cousin and his wife no longer speak to us due to having 5 children, my family are the same as yours jellybeans they make out they are concerned about your health when they do nothing for us dh and i have been out twice in 8 years.
my dad and stepmother really get on my nerves they visit every friday sit on there arses whilst being waited on and tut and snap at my dds who is a very active 8 year old, who can be abit irritating but he is a child what is there bloody excuse.
when my stepmother found out about baby no5 you could see the disapproval on there faces, and behind my back she moaned about having to buy another present i dont know how i refrain from telling her where to shove her presents.
must stop now im ranting a bit and getting quite angry with unhelpful family.

chipmonkey Fri 05-Sep-08 11:17:54

clm0711, if you want another baby, have another baby! your dh cousin and his wife don't speak to you?shock Strange people!

Vian Fri 05-Sep-08 13:58:26

I think with my parents it is all about control. I think they want us over there with less kids so it is easier for them to control us.

I still haven't told them.

I had such a cold sad and lonely childhood. My parents went through a divorce and a "selfish" phase...for about 10 years. DH and I love our big happy chaotic loving little family. I have 3 happy little kids. I think I just need to distance myself emotionally.

Vian Fri 05-Sep-08 13:59:09

distance myself emotionally from my parents I mean.

Stopfighting Fri 05-Sep-08 14:06:57

I think distancing yourself is the very least you need to do.. Perhaps you actually need to cut off with them for a while.

They have no right to treat you like this but they must be getting away with it to an extent or they wouldn't do it...

You are RIGHT. They are WRONG.

I have 5 by the way and have never cared what my parents thought.

Good luck smile

cargirl Fri 05-Sep-08 14:11:51

just send them an announcement card when the baby arrives!

I still think let your dh tell them because he would probably have the nerve to hang up on them if they were horrible about it.

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