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Do you ever feel guilty about being fertile?

(36 Posts)
reban Tue 22-Apr-08 18:47:25

I know its a strange question but ive just got accidentally pregnant with my 4th and caught very quickly with the other 3. Of course im really happy but im gonna feel almost guilty telling some people as my SIL has recently has a miscarriage after trying for a year and my closest friend had a miscarriage and a medical termination in horrendous circumstances last year. I just dont know how to tell them?

constancereader Tue 22-Apr-08 18:56:07

This is really hard - I would tell them via someone else, or by phone tbh. That way there is not the pressure on them to be 'pleased' for such a long time. They will be pleased, it's just that it can be so hard to hear about other people's successful pg.

This is only what I would have preferred. I have been on both sides of the fence too now.

cazboldy Tue 22-Apr-08 19:14:35

when I fell pg with ds1, I was only 14. My Mum's friend was in the middle of her 3rd lot of IVF at 44, and I felt terrible for her. I thought she would hate me for getting pg by accident, when she was trying so hard. sad

she was actually really nice, and as it happened the IVF worked that time smile

Do wonder if she would have been different if it hadn't though???

Madlentileater Tue 22-Apr-08 19:17:53

I was in your position reban, and when i told my mum, her response was 'oh dear poor x' x=SIL, who had given up trying. Never mind 'oh how wonderful' (SIL was about 500 miles away) - still niggles me 12 yrs later!

Flamesparrow Tue 22-Apr-08 19:19:23

I'm not a "larger family", but yes. I have fallen with both of mine straight away. I know so many people who struggle or have m/c or both, and I feel guilty that they have suffered so much.

reban Tue 22-Apr-08 20:10:25

I dont know if its connected as well but im really apprehensive about this pregnancy .. almost like i feel ive had it too easy with 3 healthy children and im really worried that something is going to go wrong this time .. its probably because i know a lot of people who have had terrible trouble getting pregnant, miscarriages, sick children .. it just makes me think has my luck run out?

MistressMean Tue 22-Apr-08 20:13:52

no because there's not much you can do about either your fertility or other peoples lack of it.
Personally I'm very relieved to not have any problems. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be sensitive to others who are struggling, but no I don't feel guilty.

kittywise Tue 22-Apr-08 20:17:50

No never. I'm with mistressmean.

ButterflyBessie Tue 22-Apr-08 20:22:29

I had fertility problems for years sad

I did not want other people's babies, I wanted mine and my dh's.

I do feel that I have to justify why I have four and them so close together blush

I don't feel guilty, just incredibly lucky grin, I have been on the other side sad

constancereader Tue 22-Apr-08 20:25:30

Oh yes, I should have said that of course you shouldn't feel guilty. People are glad for you (I was for other people), it's just that it can be hard to hear about sometimes. Just initially, until you have time to get used to the idea.

reban Tue 22-Apr-08 20:46:35

I have been really lucky but i just remember how hard my friend found it last year when she heard of other friends who were pregnant .. she didnt resent them, as you said she wanted her own baby not theirs, but it just didnt seem fair .. im really not looking forward to telling them. I know its silly, especially as my friend isnt even trying anymore, maybe im just being too emotional hormonal at the mo

PosieParker Tue 22-Apr-08 20:49:04

I don't gloat and so I don't feel guilty. I just make sure that every now and again I remember that I'm lucky. If that sounds a bit twatty and boho then I'm sorry blush.

PosieParker Tue 22-Apr-08 20:50:05

Reban Im pg with my 4th and I feel exactly the same about my luck running out.

ButterflyMcQueen Tue 22-Apr-08 20:53:01

i had to have fertility treatment for dc4 despite 'first time success' with my three previous pg's it did really open my eyes to other peoples suffering

so...yes a bit guilty but i have had m/cs too

MistressMean Tue 22-Apr-08 20:54:19

I think your friend will probably be more upset that you're worried about telling her tbh.

izzybiz Tue 22-Apr-08 20:55:13

I don't.

I feel bad for people that have problems, but my being luckily fertile doesn't make someone else unfertile.

Sadly that is life.

reban Tue 22-Apr-08 20:56:16

How pregnant are you posieparker? Im only 5 1/2 weeks but i was in epu last week as had stomach cramps .. bloods fine, hormone level increasing, but they couldnt see baby yet as was too soon but did see a lump in one of my ovaries. Ive got to have another scan on friday so im hoping they will be able to see feotus in womb then .. hoping lump is cyst not ectopic .. pains have stopped now and i didnt have any bleeding so im really hoping that weve got over that hurdle. I just know i am going to feel panicked about every stage of this pregnancy until i have baby in my arms

PosieParker Tue 22-Apr-08 20:58:26

Regan, Lumps are really common, I had the same, apparently we all do at the beginning of pg. I am 11 weeks, I have a ds 6, another 5 and a dd 20 months, and you?

reban Tue 22-Apr-08 21:01:24

The nurse i saw last week did say if it is a cyst it should disapate during the prenancy so fingers crossed ..I have dd1 nearly 8 ds1 3 and ds2 2 .. have you told anybody that you are pregnant yet?

PosieParker Tue 22-Apr-08 21:04:27

Yes everybody, I look about 5 months!! this will be my third caesarean too and so I am uber worried.

PosieParker Tue 22-Apr-08 21:12:23

Sorry 4th caesarean!!

Ripeberry Tue 22-Apr-08 21:20:34

Was speaking to my neighbour today and she says she would like to have another child but this time be a "surrogate" for her sister in law as she can't have children.
What a lovely offer.

reban Tue 22-Apr-08 21:20:35

wow that must be really hard. Ive only had vaginal deliveries but my sister had 2 caesarean and it really took it out of her. Why do you have to have caesareans if you dont mind me asking?

PosieParker Tue 22-Apr-08 21:30:56

Just fits in with work.

PosieParker Tue 22-Apr-08 21:32:14

Not really!!! I had two emergencies, including one where my baby was ressassitated and I couldn't go through the whole labour thing again. I don't remember seeing my baby for the first time when I had the general.

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