Quit while we’re ahead?

[Toeberries]

Hi mums. I’m after some collective wisdom, advice, or just plain experiences I guess. I’m happily married mum to two boys, aged 3.5 and 15 months. Our hands are full but they are lovely and fun and wonderful and I just adore them. But I’ve always wanted three kids and I’m torn on whether to try for DC3. DP didn’t outright say no, but it’s clear that he’s less enthusiastic than me. I have the usual worries - expenses, enough attention, the world seems set up for families of 4, cost of holiday, not having family nearby, etc. But I just can’t shake this feeling that our family is not quite complete, and it breaks my heart to think I’ll never get to meet another one of my babies. Both DP and I have demanding full time jobs, so going back to the baby stage also feels a bit difficult to balance it all. And I can juuuust barely see a light at the end of the tunnel with sleep, nappies, and being able to do fun things as a family (if COVID would ever go away!)

The biggest problem - time is not on our side. I’m 43 now and would likely be 44 if DC3 did come along. Obviously there are higher risks at our age too.

Does the yearning ever go away? Did you regret having /not having a third? Any words of wisdom to settle my heart?

[SheRaTheAllPowerful]

Given your age I’d say if you’re both on board, have one more. But and it’s a big but, it’s much more expensive and it changes lots of things, extra curriculars cost so much for kids, do you want them to do sport, play an instrument etc?

[Ragwort]

Personally I think you'd be mad but I've never, ever wanted more than one child (born when I was 43) and have never regretted that decision. If your DH isn't that enthusiastic surely that is your answer - both of you need to be totally 100% on board with the decision.

And I think everyone should be incredibly wary now, in Covid times, how secure are your jobs?

[Mochatatts]

I felt like you after my second son. Somehow I just wasn't 'done'. My then partner and I talked and talked about it. We did the whole things come in 4s, costs, etc. Decided not to have another and he had the snip.
6 years later the boys father and I separated and divorced.
A few years after, I reunite with an old boyfriend from high school, he already has two boys, similar ages to mine. We were almost 38 and decided to try. I figured I'd regret not trying and only be disappointed if it didn't happen. I fell pregnant the first month with our only daughter due next month.
Wanting a 3rd didn't go away for me but I'm definitely done after this one. Our youngests are 9 so it feels like starting again but for us it was the right choice. We've been fortunate that we've had lots given. Its going to make our busy household even busier, sometimes, but I can't wait to have this baby. We already needed a bigger car due to the 4 boys and had a seat spare so that's where baby will go. We both work, usually. OHs a chef and makes good money so financially it was manageable too.

[Africa2go]

Three children here aged 11-15. I felt like you, wanted a 3rd, H less so. He loves her and wouldn't change her, she really did complete the family and I knew as soon as she arrived that I was "done".

But, as the pp says, we're really at the expensive stage now. I always thought nursery/ childcare was the expensive stage but we're now looking at saving for driving lessons, funding at least £4.5k per child per year at uni and thats on top of the usual expenses (sports - really expensive + extra curriculum activities, clothes (adults sizes), huge quantities of food, more expensive gifts, school trips etc etc). Skiing holiday for next year and it's 5 x adult rates.

We'll be mid 50s when they're all through uni. Of course it's not all about finances and you may have already have financial provision in place for uni or the expenses that they'll need as young adults. But, if you're looking at potentially being 65 by the time they're out of full time education, that would worry me.

[BlueCowWonders]

The third can often become third and fourth - twins become more common as you get older
Together with the rise in potential abnormalities, it's probably not wise at your age.
I have 3 dc - 2 would have been much more straightforward for car and holidays, let alone for day to day living.
I was a bit younger than you when I had mine but teenagers are so exhausting!

[Toeberries]

Thank you for so many lovely responses.

Our jobs are secure, or at least as secure as jobs can be in these times. I always assumed now (and Uni) was the super expensive time, thanks to childcare costs being so crazy expensive, so it’s interesting to hear so many perspectives on costs for later on. We are lucky though that we can provide extra curriculars, etc, so while I’ll always have some concerns on finances, we can manage.

To the pp who referred to being “done”, I think that’s it really - I don’t feel like I’m there yet, and our family doesn’t feel complete just yet. I worry I’ll always have the ‘what if’ niggle in the back of my mind. And yes, of course DP needs to be on board completely too. We do need to talk about it more, but I think he can be convinced without too much trouble. When we first talked about it a couple months ago, one of his chief concerns was the toll more sleepless nights would have on me, and the other stuff was still important, but not his biggest concern. Twins would definitely kill us both though.

[RainingBatsAndFrogs]

If I already had two young children, I wouldn’t choose to have a baby in lockdown.

And I think I would find 3 under 5 really tiring. 2 pre-schoolers and a baby, while working.... I think for me the reality of 3 would be a bigger problem than the feeling that I need 3.

[Enough4me]

As a single mum being outnumbered by DC (I have 2) is hard as I can't divide into two. It's easier when my partner is with me. With three you will be outnumbered even with your DH. My two do not have lots of different events to go to (even minus covid), but they like some 1.1 attention and that's harder with a ratio of more DC to adults.

[caringcarer]

Our dc were 10 and 8 we both thought that was it but I unexpectedly got pregnant. From moment I realised I was pregnant, which was not until almost 16 weeks, because I only missed 1 period, I felt contented and complete. All grown up now but youngest son is most loving child and.so glad we have him. It helped that we could afford another child and had a spare bedroom so none of our children had to share their rooms. My 2 sons are very close as adults.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I wanted a big family then realised I was done at my first! And a big part of that was realising the effect that pregnancy had on my health - if I'd had a second I wouldn't have been able to look after my first so well, and I wasn't finished paying attention to him.

The reason I say this is in your forties, the risks of pregnancy are as much to you as they are to any potential children.

The other thing is covid. Hospitals and GPs are going to be tied up for a very, very long time, both with covid, and (eventually) with all the procedures that were postponed. It's not a good time to embark on a potentially risky pregnancy.

You have two lovely children, both still very small. Enjoy them.

[carrotcake124]

I have three and whilst it wasn't my plan I absolutely love having three. However my biggest issues are:

time sharing out between 3 plus working. Even things like homework is hard

Definitely holidays. I need holidays as i work full time and i really appreciate them but it's harder as a family of 5 and more expensive.

Money - three pairs of school shoes, winter coats etc does add up or eating out or after school care x 3.

Im lucky i think my are spread out but it's still hard work - especially home schooling

I was 36 when I had my last and I find it much more exhausting with my last. I was also a lot more worried about complications and I had SPD with my last and was on crutches during pregnancy which is so hard when you already have 2

Saying all this my DH and I love out tribe and don't regret having three - but 4 is a big big NO

[Toeberries]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate how thoughtful your replies have been.

I’m curious what makes holidays harder as a family of five vs four? Cost obviously, and I can see how lots of hotels are set up for two adults plus two kids. Is there more?

Mine are still in nursery which is fortunately still open during this lockdown. All of you trying to manage home schooling and your sanity have my sympathies!

[bobbojobbo]

I don't get why considering 3 instead of 2 is in larger families?
I have 4 and barely belong in here.

I had 3 under 5 but I was 30, and 40 when I had my fourth. You couldn't pay me enough to have a baby now at 45. I barely survived it at 30 (and no 3 had some special needs).

[pineapplejuice22]

@Toeberries this is a really interesting thread. I feel very similar to you although my boys are younger ( 2.5 and 3 months). I feel like another one would ' complete' our family although we don't have the space at the moment. Controversial point here but is any of it to do with wanting a girl? I'll put my hands up and say mine is although I know that you can't choose these things. I love my boys more than anything but I do wonder if I'll always be wondering what it's like to have a daughter. No gender disappointment here ( before I get flamed!) but more curiosity.

[yearinyearout]

I always thought anyone was mad who had more than two. Two are company for each other, you all fit in a normal family car, go on 2+2 holidays, there's the environment to think of, plus potential complications due to your age. I didn't even work full time and couldn't have coped with anymore, but that's just me, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It has to be down to you and your DH.

[Africa2go]

@Toeberries as a family of 5, most places cater for families of 4 - hotel rooms, apartments. Some few hotels have interconnecting rooms, but most don't so they just allocate you 2 rooms. When the children are little, that means 1 adult + 1 or 2 children in each room. Not ideal when you're wanting to enjoy time with your spouse. Alternatives therefore are family suites / large apartments which are all hideously expensive. Various tickets for attractions have "family" rates, always 2 adults + 2 children, even silly things like boat trips when you're abroad - capacity for 4, not 5, fewer tables in restaurants that cater for 5 rather than 4, getting taxis - you can't have 4 people in the back (plus 1 in the passenger seat) so you always have to book a MPV / minibus (which are rare depending which resort you're in), 2 adults watching 3 children in the sea / pool / skiing (stressful!)...

[Sarahandduck18]

I only see negatives in your scenario tbh.
Age
Small gaps
Chance of something going wrong
Holidays
Cars
Cost of childcare etc

[Toeberries]

@bobbojobbo I put it here because I couldn't figure out where else it should go, and I was thinking about making my family ... well, larger!

@Africa2go all good points. Many of which I've never considered.

@pineapplejuice22 oh, pineapple! There was a time for me too where it was about having a girl. But for the last year + that has changed. As our DS2 has grown and we have started seeing more of his personality, it's become the realization that the same gene pool can create two totally different humans. And so while I would love a girl, I would equally love to have a boy. The missing piece for me now is about that feeling of completion. But as many here have pointed out, there are many risks/negatives/challenges with doing so. We have similar age gaps, btw. Hope you're doing ok in these early days.

Each month that goes by gets just the tiniest bit easier, and I also know that the further away from the baby stage we go the less likely we are to go back. That is driving some of the urgency I feel, even more so than my age. It does feel like the chance of having another is slipping away quite quickly, and in many ways I think what I'm feeling now is grieving the child I am unlikely to have. I feel a bit guilty even feeling that, because we haven't faced the challenges that many on these boards and that we know IRL have had to. We are very lucky.

[carrotcake124]

As I said earlier - I didn't plan 3 but whilst there have been lots of things to consider we have worked around them and we love being a family of 5. Like you I had 2 boys and they have very different, I didn't feel the need for a girl, but our last was a girl and I always say my second made us a into a family and my 3rd brings us together. She unites the two boys who often argue, and her personality has brought a balance to the family.

We still do tons as a family but we are lucky we can have reasonably good jobs and I went back to work full time which had helped me progress but also makes the difference between uk and abroad holidays and allows us to have days out etc. I always look for bargains and vouchers for days out and holidays but I would of done that with 1 or 2 children anyway.

Car is not an issue we have a Renault that had 2 extra seats in the boot which is fab for taking the kids friends out with us.

During Covid and Christmas we don't miss other company as much as we have each other however home schooling is a challenge obviously but I do feel it's brought the three children closer.

Whilst I didn't feel I was missing anything before having three, it had definitely completed our family

[MTBer2021]

Have you considered that the yearning for another could be age related OP? Lots of posts all over MN about women your age wanting another baby. I think biology is a lot to do with it. It works out fine for most that do it but increased risks, albeit small, for mother AND baby associated with pregnancy at this age means we decided against. The risks also feel bigger somehow when you already have two children. You might feel differently though having had 2 children past 40 already. I do know how you feel in wondering about one more baby. But for me, what someone else posted up thread sums up what I felt finally:
' I think for me the reality of 3 would be a bigger problem than the feeling that I need 3.'
And in my case we had fertility issues and a few miscarriages which added to the worries about trying for a 3rd.