Unplanned 4th pregnancy, riddled with guilt. To keep or to terminate pregnancy

[Optimisticmumofthree]

Hello,

Let me start by saying I have beautiful girls 6yrs, 4yrs, 1yr and over the years any worries, problems and questions I’ve had Mumsnet is my first stop.

I’ve scoured the internet looking for anything to relate and tried to educate myself, I now feel the need to post a question here.

I have 3 daughters and I’m 4 weeks pregnant with an unplanned 4th. We live in a 3 bedroom house with 2 good sized rooms, 1 quite small bedroom. My oldest girls (6 and 4) share a room, baby (1) is in the small room. There really wouldn’t be much room for another baby here, not in the long run.

We are already planning to move house but we are not in a position, moneywise for this to happen. A few more years... My husband has a great job, we have been lucky through Covid and he can work from home in a downstairs garage conversion (mostly the reason we are now in debt is due to converting garage)

That’s a bit of history - now for the problem. I don’t know if having a 4th will be a good idea. I also don’t know if I can have an abortion. I’m pro choice, I just don’t know if I will regret and feel guilty having an abortion in years to come. On the other hand I’m feeling guilty for thinking about keeping baby. I don’t want my girls to survive, I want them to thrive. We are already stretched money wise, space wise and energy wise.

I’m a stay at home mum, I would have been looking a going back to work once two youngest are in school and nursery. This unplanned baby will obviously set us back a few years. We had just started to see the glimpse of the future, having some husband and wife time (which got us in this problem in the first place!) I did take emergency contraceptive the morning after but it was too late.

I know I am the only one who can answer, but any positive unplanned baby stories, any positive pro choice stories... positive is not the right word, as it’s a sad situation to be in but I hope you understand my meaning. I wish I wasn’t in this position but there is no going back. I have two routes to go down. Any help to come to a decision would be great.

Sorry it’s so long. Just to add my husband is supportive either way. He said we can make it work but also that we have a great life why rock the boat.

[PurBal]

I didn't want to read and run. I have no experience myself and as you say, only you can make the decision. Whatever you decide though it will be the right choice. And whilst there is always space for regret you will have made the decisions for all the right reasons. Whether that's to abort or to carry your baby to term. Big hugs OP.

[maddenlightfoot]

I just wanted to add some words of comfort/advice/experience... I was in your situation a few weeks ago. I also have 3 children, they're a little older (8 and twins who are 4). My husband and I were quite certain as soon as we found out that having a termination was the right thing for us.
Having twins has been quite a rollercoaster for us and definitely took time away from our eldest dd (despite this they all adore each other!) and although financially and space-wise we could have coped, we certainly didn't feel we had the headspace and emotional capacity to expand our family to 6.
Even though we made a decision quite quickly, we still had doubts about whether it was the right thing to do and how we would feel about it afterwards.
I rang Marie Stopes who were brilliant - so kind and understanding. I opted for a medical abortion that I was able to do at home. We freed up a weekend and told the children that mummy was a bit poorly and I cacooned myself upstairs with Netflix, a hot water bottle and an endless supply of tea and biscuits. The process itself was quite quick and relatively pain free (just like period pains) and I was up and about with the children by the next day.
There's a good thread on the Pregnancy Choices board here about positive abortion stories which I took great comfort from. I gave my girls extra hugs and felt grateful for everything we have and our lovely little family being just right.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. It is a choice that we're lucky enough to be able to make but it has to be right for your family x

[Namenic]

I hope you can talk to a counsellor about it and discuss all the options including adoption. It is a hard situation to be in. Wishing you All the best. It is great that your husband is supportive of you.

[Optimisticmumofthree]

Thank you all for the replies. Especially the Pregnancy choice pages. It might be best to re-post on that section.

Thank you for sharing your advice and story @maddenlightfootu are so right. It’s a great thing to have the choice. I am away to speak to someone about the process today. I’m really torn and hoping speaking out loud with help

[Honeyandapple]

Hi @Optimisticmumofthree. I've just found myself to be in a similar predicament.
But my youngest is just 8 months. I'm still breastfeeding and it feels like I've only just been pregnant with little one.

How are you feeling about the decision you made? If you've made it yet.

I must be 3 possibly 4 weeks.

[Optimisticmumofthree]

Hello, thanks again for all the replies offering help and support. Hearing from both sides has really helped me with my decision to end the pregnancy.

It’s been the longest two weeks and myself and my husband had been going round in circles... Let’s go for the forth. Wait, that’s crazy we don’t have the energy, space or money. Ok. But we can do anything we put our mind to. Yes, of course we can. We will survive! Yep. But do we just want to survive? Do I want to be pregnant again. Do we actually want another child?

After calling the health clinic and booking a time to collect medication, myself and my husband went, got the pills for a medical abortion. Then we both cried in the car, in floods of tears. Surely it meant it was a big mistake. So there and then we decided we would continue with pregnancy. We had already driven halfway home, so I had planned to take the pills back after we got back from a trip away with our kids for the school holidays.

We sat with the decision of keeping pregnancy for a week and it was the best thing I could have done because there was no pressure to make a decision. I had time to think about all the things I really wanted. Make plans. I was still waiting for the big excited feeling of having a baby. It didn’t come. Just dread, guilt, stress, and quite frankly unhappiness. I mentioned this to my husband and we both felt the same. We said we would sleep on it and have a talk about abortion again. I hadn’t slept for a week after deciding to keep going with pregnancy and the night we had another chat, after being honest with myself and husband, I slept so soundly.

On Wednesday I took the Mifepristone tablet and Friday the 6 other tablets to end the pregnancy. It’s now Sunday and I feel nothing but relief emotionally. The cramping wasn’t so bad for myself, I definitely needed all the painkillers and stayed in bed for the day but it wasn’t so bad. I mostly slept and watched David Attenborough.

I have three beautiful, healthy, amazing children and I want to spend all my time with them. I chose to have them and I was beyond excited to meet each of them. There was never any doubt about them.

Our lives would have been changed forever all because of a stupid condom split. I took the power back. If I decide I want four kids, it will be my choice. Thank god we have the NHS and the right to choose.

This was my experience. It’s not the same for everyone. I wanted to come back and write my experience. The beat thing you can do is really research and educate yourself. Be honest with your feelings. We could of had four kids and we could have been absolutely dandy. We just didn’t want to do it.

To anyone making the decision, it’s so rubbish. No one wants to be in that situation but so many have been. You are not alone. I want to send you some big love and courage and a massive virtual hug x

[Optimisticmumofthree]

@Honeyandapple I have just posted about my experience. I made the decision to end my pregnancy. It’s not the right decision for everyone and it was very emotional. But it was still the right decision personally.

Is there anyone you can speak to? Have you told anyone? When I called the health clinic, they were so lovely and gave me the number of a free counselling service to speak to someone about unplanned pregnancies. Whichever way you decide.

And really ask yourself what do YOU really want x

[kazza446]

I was in this position 7 years ago. Fell unexpectedly pregnant and thought my world was going to end. It was so hard for all the reasons you have cited, money, wanting to Work, house, strain on other children. I also didn’t think I could cope with terminating the pregnancy. I ended up going through with the pregnancy. I suffered with prenatal depression because of all the stress but as soon as my little one was born my hormones kicked in and I felll in love!! I can honestly say he’s been a blessing in disguise. I ended up changing my career to work around baby and it’s been so worth it. I wouldn’t change a thing now. Ds4’s older siblings absolutely dote on him and he’s brought such a shine to my life.

[maddenlightfoot]

Thank you for the update @Optimisticmumofthree.

I'm so pleased that you came to a decision and feel empowered by it. Your words really resonate with me. That a fourth child should, and could, be a planned choice, not something that is the unplanned result of a contraception failure.

Enjoy every moment with your lovely family of 5. I'm currently on holiday with my dh and my girls, and being a few weeks on from you, I keep pinching myself with how lucky we are to have what we have.

[MPmumof3]

I am so pleased I’ve come across this thread. Currently in a state of shock of an unplanned 4th pregnancy! I think I’ve decided to end the pregnancy but it’s such an emotional decision and one in which I had hoped that I wouldn’t have had to make as I’m sure many others would have felt. My youngest is 8 months and from being pregnant during the first lockdown and the fact that he was such a heavy baby has affected me both emotionally (I don’t think I’ve ever felt so stressed being pregnant) and physically. As well as the fact that I literally went back to work last week. Financially, lack of space and time are also making me come to this decision but I feel so sick and guilty right now. One of my children is definitely going through a difficult time and therefore time is important so they feel they are supported. My husband is supportive and feels similar as he is hoping to change careers imminently so if we continue this, he said he wouldn’t do what he wants to do due to financial reasons. I will have to be back at work to balance the books. So.. there are lots of reasons that now is not the right time. I’m not even sure if any of this makes legible sense but it definitely is such a hard decision. 🙁🙁🙁 I’m 98 percent sure but just feel awful! Don’t even know what I gain to write but I guess I just needed to write right now. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[maddenlightfoot]

Hi MPmumof3, I hope this message reaches you and you're further along in your decision making process.
I'm 6 months down the line now and still so pleased we made the decision we did. We've just moved to a lovely new house, which would never have happened if we'd have chosen to go ahead with the pregnancy, as our priorities and goals would have taken us down a completely different path.
All the best to you in whatever you decide x

[Troubledmummy3]

@MPmumof3 I just wanted to say that this time last year I was in your position...my husband didn’t want another baby, our 3rd daughter was 6 and we didn’t want to start all over again...but I just couldn’t go through with a termination...once I’d made the decision my husband was supportive...our eldest child wanted me to terminate too! Fast forward a year and we have a fourth daughter (lol) and I cannot imagine my life without her beautiful little face and smile 🥰🥰 I thought I was done...but I’m so glad that she came alone I love her so much and so does everyone in our family - eldest cried when she was born because she felt guilty for telling us we should terminate! We of COURSE reassured her and everyone is happy.
I just wanted to post my experience as obviously I chose a different path to the OP x

[Jemida]

I can’t tell you how happy I am to have found this thread! 🥲 it’s been a week since finding out I’m pregnant. It was a massive shock and I have honestly never felt so alone! My Husband has been so supportive but it’s been so difficult to try an weigh up wether to keep or terminate. I don’t feel like I can talk to friends or family about it as I hate to think I’d be judged to even think about an abortion. (I doubt they would but I still can’t do it!)
I hear of the ‘one night stand’ abortions or ‘too young’ abortions but never a wife with children an just doesn’t want another abortion. It’s made me feel 1000% better about how I’m feeling and I can’t thank you enough!

[Redsquirrel5]

We had a surprise a few weeks after I had started college to retrain. I had mixed feelings from one minute to the next but DH was really unhappy about it. I had a chat to my GP(awoman) and felt much better afterwards. I am so glad I had her she is an Absolute delight. We were squashed in a bit re bedrooms.Two eldest in one room 12x10’6 and DS3 in the little bedroom until DD was about 15 months then when she was two they had bunk beds so there was enough room for them. I carried on with college had a month off when she was born and then it was summer. I went back when she was 11 weeks. I was upset as I had stayed home with the boys and just did some casual or wfh but it was necessary. We had no family support and my DH worked away from home for weeks at a time. My BF looked after her and I helped her the following year. I got distinctions in most of my assignments.

She was such a joy and when she was 18mths I had a nursery place and went to work part time. She was a very independent child and would dress herself at 18mths changing her clothes if she didn’t like what I put on her. She is in NZ ( travelling b4 Covid )now and has a BA Our family miss her and wouldn’t be without her but the sibling she is closest is her eldest brother 14 years older.
DH loves her to bits.

You have been given a gift. The fourth one is so easy to slot into the family and you will have the two youngest near each other in age mine were nearly six years apart. I wish you well.

[Pinklilly123]

Oh Op so sorry for this. I have a happy story for you though. I fell pregnant accidently with my 4th. I was in a similar situation to you and couldn't belive it had happened as we'd been so careful. I went to the clinic and during the scan I just bawled my eyes out. I knew I couldn't go through with a termination. My 4th child is the absolute light of my life (they all are). He was an easy baby and the others adore him. He's so funny and is such a character. Keeping him was the best thing I ever did. I can't believe there may have been a chance that I would never have known him. I thank my lucky stars he happened. Once I got my head around keeping him I felt really happy about the whole thing. Life just falls into place. I think people rarely regret keeping a child.

Only you know what is right for you and your family but remember there are lots of positives too. Try and weigh it all up. Good luck

[Pinklilly123]

Sorry op I've just seen you decided to terminate. Reading your post it is so clear that you and your husband felt this was the right thing for you. I knew for myself it wasn't. I'm pleased you felt empowered to do what was right for you and your family and wish you all the best.

[DUWW2013]

@MumOfThreeBeautiesx I am in the exact same predicament right now. I have 3 gorgeous children (5, 2, and 9 months) and I just got a positive test result yesterday. I have always been pro-Choice but now that the decision affects me personally, I am having a really difficult time to come to grips with terminating something already growing inside me. Logically, my head tells me we will struggle to upgrade the car, have space in the house, afford extras for the kids as they grow, and so on...but my heart is breaking and says "You can find a solution." My husband and I have talked quite a bit last night, but reached no firm conclusion. I don't know if I can cope emotionally with ending the pregnancy. I need to get this off my chest, because as others say here, it's something I feel I can't discuss with anyone I know. I'd be appreciative of any feedback from others that are in a similar situation

[LizziesTwin]

@DUWW2013 I suggest you start a new thread as this thread is going to attract comments from people who read the OP & don’t read the full thread. Lots of sympathy for your situation, I had a pregnancy scare when mine were a similar age & had a tubal ligation shortly afterwards.

Good luck with your decision making.

[MumOfThreeBeautiesx]

Everything I have been thinking is telling me termination is best for everyone. I also do not want to speak about it with any family or friends so it's just between me and my partner. I want to be able to give my time and attention to the 3 I already have, my head keeps saying its not fair on anyone to have another baby, including myself. My older 2 get less of my attention at the moment since baby was born so it will only get worse. I do absolutely everything for my partner and children aside from work, we are a household where Dad goes to work and Mum does pretty much everything else and it works for us. I want to be able to take them on days out and spend quality time with each of them, I can't possibly do that with a newborn and a toddler who will be 14 months old? I want to be able to go out and spend time as a couple, I can just about get family who I trusy to babysit my 3 now but again, 9, 7 a toddler and a newborn, we wouldn't be able to do it. But then I don't know if I will struggle mentally/emotionally if I do have a termination, I honestly never thought I'd be in a situation to even have to consider it. It's always the what ifs! So many different scenarios going on in my head. I think I'm going to speak to a professional today just to get some more clarification. Maybe speaking out loud to someone who helps people like us for a living will ease the worry abit more.

[Optimisticmumofthree]

Hello, I have only just realised there are some new posts on this thread. I’m glad it can give a different perspective for someone from someone who already has children. I did go ahead with the decision to terminate. I don’t regret it and I still feel such a relief. My husband is on the waiting list for the snip.

And apart from writing on this thread today, I honestly, don’t really think about it. I know it’s not the same for everyone and I hope you can find / get the right support you need. My biggest love to all going through a very very tough decision right now. Which ever way you do decide to go. I hope you can fully embrace your amazing life.

My youngest is nearly 3 now and we have just had a shopping date, have swimming classes later in the week and I’ve started a part time job just for me. I have date nights with my lovely husband and my eldest two have swimming and gymnastics tonight. I wouldn’t have been able to do any of these things right away with another baby in tow.
But if I didn’t go through with termination, I would have been living a different life, a happy life, with different challenges and different moments of pure bliss. No way is the the wrong / right life. Just a different life.

Good luck to you all x

[Mom4thtime]

Hi there. I have three beautiful kids (10,8,7) and always thought my family was complete. My husband and I never planned for 4th. Please hen my 4th started prek, I started a new career in IT working from home. Life was great!! We traveled overseas for summer vacation for 7 long weeks and there I found out I was pregnant. I was devastated, shattered confused. I wanted to end the pregnancy! But also couldn’t take a risk in a developing country. Once I got back home, made an apt went to planned parenthood, but once I got there I started crying and feeling guilty. I left without having done anything. I decided to keep the pregnancy however I am still not excited about having a4th child. Going back to the diapers, milk stroller makes me cringe. Not sure how will e manage 4 kids, remote job and mortgage. Thinking about it makes me dizzy and sweaty. I am 16 weeks and just hoping to keep going.

[Wretchedlovely]

Just had a question not sure if you’re still on here as it was 3 years ago. But by miracle what did you end up doing and how do you feel. In the exact same scenario and can’t find too many in the same boat.

[Mom4thtime]

Hi there I ended up having a beautiful daughter who is 7 months and somehow I’m managing it all. I’m so glad I went ahead as yes it’s difficult but as she grows older things will get back to normal. I can’t imagine what an abortion would have done to my mental state. I am at peace with myself and her adorable smiles eliminates all the stress and exhaustion. Her entrance has calmed and reunited the whole family. My kids adore her and go out of there way to help me. Whatever you choose I hope it brings u peace.