This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
I want 4th baby, husband does't(27 Posts)
Not sure if I am looking for an advice or just want to talk about it. Feeling sad as I have nobody to talk about this because my friends and family say I am bonkers for even mentioning another baby.
Me and husband have 3 kids aged 7, 4 and 1. I am very grateful for having my 3 but the more I think about it the more I realise I would like another one. Don't feel like I am 'done' or 'finished'. Can't help but think I would regret if I didn't at least try for one more and I would always look at my 3 kids and think there could be another one but there isn't.
Here's the problem - my husband doesn't want any more. There is no way I could convince him to try for one more as he wasn't keen on having a third child. He agreed eventually because he knew how much I wanted it. Now that baby is here he loves him dearly but it took him a while to get his head round the fact there will be 3 kids in the house.
There is no reason why we could't have one more apart from the fact my husband doesn't want one. Financially we can afford it, plenty of space for everyone in the house and in the car, I have kept all the baby/maternity stuff. I am at home staying parent so it would be mostly me looking after children like I already do. I feel confident I could manage another one, I look at my youngest one and I just can't believe this is it.
I’m sorry, I know the longing is horrible, but you have 3 children and your dh didn’t even want the last one you had. I think you are done, even if you don’t want to be.
I remember when 4th was born!! 14 months gap!! Much easier than going from 2-3!! No middle dc!! Maybe for your dh the lack of sleep is still too fresh!
As you know there is more to parenthood than money and space. What about emotional space? You will be dividing your time between 5 people from 4, that makes a big difference no matter how much money you have or how big your car is. I suppose what I'm trying to say is don't be so dismissive of your DH's reasons, you can't force someone to have another baby when they don't want it so you'd probably help yourself to understand his reasons against it better rather than basing it off your own assumptions. The rule always has to be the one who doesn't want another "wins". Who's to say you would feel done at 4, I would start to try to make peace with it.
Your husband not wanting another one is a pretty big reason. Imagine if it was the other way around and he was trying to force you to have one you didn't want. It has to be something you both agree on and if he wasn't keen on a third it would seem even more unfair to make him go further. It isn't just about practicalities either as a PP said.
It does sound a little bit like you don't want to let go of the baby stage, that it's the moving on from that that troubles you. As a another PP said, would having a fourth necessarily be enough?
I have 4 and a very supportive husband and although I live my children with a fierce unconditional kind of love, with the 4 of them I feel run ragged and like no one ever gets any proper attention and quality time.
Think of it this way.
You had a third, that he didnt really want. But he is happy. But you still yearn for another.
What if he gives on and you have a fourth and when that child is 1, you yearn for yet another and feel like you 'arent finished'.
I am sure you will say that you wouldnt have room, or lots if practical reasons for a 5th. But that wont stop you feeling like you really have to have another.
You could have 4 or 5 and still feel like this.
You want more but he doesn’t. So simply put, you either stay together and not have any more children, be grateful for the beautiful family you have, or...
Leave him and go and find someone else to have your 4th with. You need to decide what you want more.
When you're done you know you're done. I have 4 and the thought of another terrifies me, I don't think my body would take it ( am 40 but since ds3, back knees etc have decided to go, have developed arthritis and don't have the energy I had with ds1 and 2, which I find sad sometimes.) In the same vein I think when you want more, you do know too. You may be caught up in the I'm not ready to let babies go, he may be so wrecked and unable to fathom splitting even more attention. I won't lie OP, 4 is so hard, trying to make sure nobody is left out and they all have equal chances to be listened to. I used to laugh it off and say it was fine as they split and play together etc but in the last few years I do feel drained. Saying that you know yourself, they're your world, and I know people with 4 kids who find it easy. Talk to your dh, at least just to let him know how you feel but maybe without being patronising try to remember to appreciate the youngest you have right now instead of/while you're considering a 4th.
Not everybody gets to the point where they know they are done though.
Dp is one of 9. His mother still didnt think she was done, she just never got pregnant again. On the odd occasion we have contact she always says the 10th one would have made her life complete and bother more with her.
We dont bother with her really because her trick was to get married, have 3 kids then fuck off with her husbands best mate, get divorced marry the best mate have 3 kids and so on.
Obviously I am not saying OP is like that. Just saying that she is convinced the mytical 10th baby would have been her complete (I doubt it) and why we dont bother with her.
I was like you OP. We had two, I persuaded my DH to have a third, then I was really broody for another but my DH said no way. So we stopped there. The broody feelings went away eventually and I'm now so glad we stopped at three! Three is busy enough tbh!
Why not just be content with what you have? You have 3 children already? Why are you not focusing on them instead of imagining one that isn't even there?!
Perhaps your husband would like you to return to work at some point soon too since you're currently a SAHM and all the financial responsibility is on him.
You pestered him for your 3rd, now your still not happy and pestering for a 4th...geez!
Leave it alone!
Maybe your dh is concerned at financially supporting another person on his own. He's already responsible for 5. What if he doesn't want to be responsible for a 6th? What can you get from a 4th child that you haven't got from your other 3?
Perhaps your husband would like you to return to work at some point soon too since you're currently a SAHM and all the financial responsibility is on him. You pestered him for your 3rd, now your still not happy and pestering for a 4th...geez! Leave it alone!
A million % this!!!!!
What if your fourth was severely disabled?
I know that will always be a risk, for any pregnancy, but imagine how you might feel if you threw that grenade into the family dynamic.
Yes, I'm sure you'd find a way through to cope, thousands do, but you have to consider that.
I hear what you all are saying and I do understand where you're coming from. Just to clarify I am not pestering him or trying to convince to have another one because I know how he would feel about it. I love my 3 kids and I am very lucky to have them. I am there for them every single day and not relying on anyone to help me with them.
Me being SAHM was my husbands idea and we decided together that this arrangement would suit us best.
If there was another baby it would definitely be the last one.
I can't help the way I feel. Always imagined myself with 4 kids and it is difficult to get this idea out of my head.
If you always imagined yourself with 4 children then I’m guessing you discussed this with DH previously? What did he say at the time? Has he changed his mind since they became a reality or did he just go along with you?
There is no reason why we could't have one more apart from the fact my husband doesn't want one.
That is a massive and insurmountable reason.
From what you have said, your husband has already agreed to more children than he wants/wanted and that was to appease you. I appreciate it’s difficult but I think you need to look at your third child as your bonus child and not see that one is missing.
I would suggest sticking with 3, partly because of the impact on the planet/environment but also because it is very difficult to give 4 children all the individual adult attention they need. I speak from experience.
How old are you and your DP? Perhaps this could be a factor in why he is saying no ?
He's already compromised once for you to have a 3rd, it would be unfair to ask him to do it again.
Presumably you'll return to work at some point and that would be further delayed by you having another baby - it must be stressful for him being the sole earner.
I never understand why people dont consider future expenses with more kids. Yes you have space and money now, what about being able to help with uni costs? Help to get on property ladder? Driving lessons? Our political and financial climate is changing, things are only going to get tougher for the coming generations
It might be worth having some counselling to address why you feel you need a fourth baby.
If there was another baby it would definitely be the last one. I can't help the way I feel
If you cant help the way you feel, you have no way of knowing you will feel any different when your 4th is 1 or 2 or 3.
You could have 4 and feel exactly the same. You dont know and might not be able to help it.
As for the sahp. Please really think about this. It might have been your DHS idea. But if you end up splitting you are quote vulnerable. Especially if it happens when the children arw older.
But also whole it might have been his idea and he is happy with the the arrangement, it doesnt make the stress of being the sole provider any easier. Him not wanting to provide for another person is perfectly valid
I'm a mother of 5 and no matter how much I love my children I would never advise anyone to have more than 2. In this world it's just unnecessary. The world is going to pot already.
I actually feel sorry for your husband. It's almost as if the poor guy doesn't have a say in the decision.
You've pestered him for the third now the fourth. What if he leaves you because he can't cope with the fourth. What then? That's a shitty position to be in for both of you.
This broody feeling needs to be curbed at some point.
I would never had had 5 if I had the sense I have now. Heck I tell my kids not to have kids. Don't get me wrong, we have a great relationship and love etc and don't regret them but in Hindsight having children is so bloody selfish and we need to recognise that as a nation of humans.
Why don't you adopt if you truly want another child rather than having another child?
We are already so over populated and yes I know I have contributed to that over population.
I've had a couple of ex's in the past that wanted a child with me and I was like 'hell no!' So we split up. Don't regret that at all.
Enjoy what you have OP