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Help, I can't do this.

(7 Posts)
mountainsarecalling Mon 14-Oct-19 23:40:25

My brother sent me a link to a really old post on here after I spoke to him the other night. I never usually post things online but after reading the story of someone else struggling I thought I would. He sent me the link as I'd been crying on the phone to him after a tough evening with the kids. I totally lost the plot and screamed at all the kids, like my throat hurt afterwards. I feel like I'm losing the plot.
I've got four kids, all under 7, my two youngest are twins. We moved to a new area when I was pregnant with the twins. When the babies were three months old I had a massive brain haemorrhage and spent a month in hospital, the first bit in intensive care. I've recovered really well but it has been a difficult time. My husband works really long hours and I don't have any friends or family near by. One of my twins is really hard work at the moment, and seems to be getting harder to deal with. He cries all the time, always wants me but even when he's with me he still cries, and often pulls my hair and bites me. Me and my husband aren't getting on well at the moment and all we do is argue. We are trying to sell our house just now, as we're moving back to be nearer to family. Which is really good, although stressful trying to sort the house for photos and viewings. I'm hoping that the house sells and we can get moved. Actually, I'm quite resentful that this didn't happen when I was sick, I have told him how unhappy I've been and proposed moving which got rubbished, although I think he has eventually realised it's the best thing to do. But it's all on his terms, which just makes me angry. I feel like his job is the most important thing. The twins have croup just now and I've just had a 2.5hr journey with screaming kids. I'm basically just ranting but hoping that someone can relate?
A desperate and fed up mum 😢x

IVEgottheDECAF Mon 14-Oct-19 23:43:03

Bless you op you have been through a lot. How old are your twins?

flowers

mountainsarecalling Tue 15-Oct-19 05:58:05

They're coming up to two x

PaulHollywoodsSexGut Tue 15-Oct-19 08:58:36

Wow. You have an absolute fucking lifetime to unpack.

Twins are a huge deal anyway. It’s literally the demands of one baby multiplied and anyone who poo poos that is a liar.

Factor in you’re recovering from a brain haemorrhage (have the underlying causes been identified and managed?) which leaves a definite life changing impact never mind the psychological lasting effect PLUS you’re effectively parenting alone PLUS you have no help PLUS you’re selling a house; that’s a serious mix.

First of all call HV or Home Start now. You need help. You just do. That’s not an admission of failure, it’s a practical reality.

Second of all get DH to take over total responsibility for an hour in the next few days regardless. You need to write down what you want “normal” to look like. Plan with HV/Home Start steps to get you there.

Thirdly have you got a humidifier? Get that thing on soonest as it’s he only thing I know gave my wee ones relief when they had croup.

Fourthly download Mush or Hoop for things to do locally atm and just get out with twins if you can (is DC2 in school? In fact it’s the holidays, no wonder you’re up in arms).

Fifthly keep looking forward to the move because help is on the horizon from
- family
- friends?
- trusted local recommendations for maybe getting twins to a childminder couple times a week?

I was pg with DC3 and we were selling our house. We moved and she arrived 20 days later, so early, it was so scary. It’s only now that I can appreciate what a FUCKING TONNE OF STRESS tidying, showing and getting out of the house for viewers - and then having 3 sales fall through on us.

Regarding your relationship, just keep holding on hard to why you two love each other. As soon as you’ve reached out for help with the children sit down with DH even for 15 mins and say “I love you but we need a plan as I’m feeling [x] at the moment, how you doing”?

Good luck and apologies for MASSIVE POST, I’m typing like a demon as there’s a three way Lego war going on down the stairs here

TwinningIt Fri 18-Oct-19 09:29:15

Hi OP, I hope you’re doing ok.

I have 4 kids including twins, all within a similar age range and the first couple of years were unbelievably hard. Just wanted to say that things are so much better now, hang in there.

Second the suggestion of Homestart - they are great just to help you around the house, get out to a baby group, and just have someone to chat to.

Also do you have a local twin club? Mine were invaluable - provided baby & toddler groups but also a support network of people going through some of the same things. No one will have your exact circumstances of course, but I found the network amazingly supportive. Tamba website can help you find a local group.

mountainsarecalling Sat 19-Oct-19 09:21:21

Thanks for the advice and kinds words smile I saw my HV the other day, mainly about my 'difficult' twin. I told her everything that had been going on, she knew I'd been sick etc. She is really nice but couldn't really offer any advice. She told me to keep a diary of his behaviour for a week then I'll meet her again. She said implementing a behaviour change with him could take several months and it might be better to wait until we move house. To be honest, I feel like no one can help me out and it's basically my problem to sort. I've seen GPs, occupational therapists, HVs, pshycologists, psychiatrists, doctors. Not one person has offered me any help. Anti depressants is what everyone seems to suggest. I ended up taking them last year after much persuasion from my GP but after a few months I stopped them as they weren't making any difference and just making me tired. As I said to her at the time, it's not a chemical imbalance in my brain, it's circumstantial. Which is clearly 'my problem' to sort. I just keep thinking I've got too many kids, and I'm just not cut out for being a super mummy. I just want to run away 😢 We had two viewings booked for the house the other day, after a day of cleaning and tidying I took all the kids out to let my husband do the viewings. When I got home at 7pm neither of them had turned up. I'm now just convinced that it's going to take months/years to sell the house. Anyway, I'm just ranting and whinging. Sorry! X

SunshineCrocodile Sat 19-Oct-19 10:28:02

Hi OP. I can relate, I really can. My eldest are twins and I had another singleton very soon after, so very nearly had three under one at one point.

Even with three, it's tough. Can't imagine what it must be like with four. So many young children is isolating in its own right as even when you're with people you get no chance to speak to them as you're constantly dealing with kids crying, puking, nappies, tantrums. Added to that your move away from support and your health issues and I totally get that you must be feeling desperate.

I ended up having a breakdown after my 3rd. I was at home all day, husband worked all hours and didn't see that I was breaking under the existence of dealing with babies and housework and isolation. I also had a difficult/needy twin who was developmentally behind the other so they had different needs at different times. I'm rubbish at making friends and loathed the cliquey baby groups, I just felt such a failure. It just felt like I was in a black hole. I eventually ended up locking myself in a toilet at a social centre after a particularly disastrous playgroup session in which not a single person bothered to stop dealing with their (one) child to help me even though I was clearly falling apart with two three year olds and a two year old running riot. I know it isn't other people's responsibility to help but you'd have thought someone might have noticed that I was on the edge. I sat in that toilet and howled for ten minutes like a bloody wolf. My friend was at the same group (hadn't helped, was having a nice coffee with another parent of just one) and phoned my husband so by the time I got home he was waiting and I sort of collapsed on him and we ended up sorting out some preschool hours so I could have a break and protected time off in the evening for me to go and do yoga (which was a game changer, honestly). I retrained and went back to work part time too.

Fast forward two years and I'm so much happier. I'm not the parent I thought I'd be - I'd imagined I'd be all nurturing and earth-mothery and AMAZING and I'm not. We muddle through. Sometimes I'm a shouty, cross parent and rely on the tv to get us through to bedtime; sometimes we have a few days of sunshine and light and do wholesome stuff with cardboard boxes. Every night I look at them sleeping and wonder what I did to deserve them and whether I'm good enough. I think accepting that the 'ideal' parent I was going to be just doesn't exist and never did has helped me a lot to enjoy what we do have.

(Also turning off social media is a very good idea - other people's edited highlight reels are no good for my mental health.)

Anyway, posting the above just so you know you're not alone feeling like this. I'm not sure I can really offer any advice other than hang in there - it will get better, especially the twins. 2/3 is the worst bit. Mine are 5 now and so much easier, my more needy twin is probably still a bit more work than the other but has caught up loads and I worry far less about them. Starting school was a major turning point. I hope your twins get better soon and you're able to move ASAP. Here to chat if you need.

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