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30 and having first baby. When to go for the next?

(22 Posts)
Alyssum34456 Tue 08-Oct-19 15:18:37

I've always wanted 3 and always felt quite young for having a child at my age (friends nowhere near the kids stage, but they also might never have them so have given me an unrealisitc idea I think!) We're lucky this one was quick but have started worrying about how soon to have the next.

Having another baby so soon sounds like the hardest thing in the world (and I read you should ideally wait a year?) We'd be hitting 35 and over if we waited any longer than a year or 2 between each and I don't want to be an older parent or have the risks associated in late 30s if can bare it.

What have other families done that has or hasn't worked?

OP’s posts: |
RoomR0613 Tue 08-Oct-19 15:38:55

If you haven't had your first yet I would wait and see how that goes before you start planning the second.

I have a 16 month age gap between my two, if DC2 had been born first then there would have been a much bigger age gap.

DC1 was a very independent and self contained child from about 4-5 months old, happily swapped between breast and bottle and was willing to be looked after by dad/grandparents without a fuss. At 7 months old she was in a very sweet and easy stage and adding a second child into the mix (we also wanted 3 and at that point I was 31) seemed perfectly sensible. Which it would have been if DC2 had been the same kind of child.

DC2 arrived screaming and grumpy and didn't change from that until she was a year old. She refused all bottles, stuck to me like glue and became hysterical if anyone else held her until she was about 9 months old. At 1.5 she was still refusing to stop breastfeeding and still not sleeping through the night. She nearly broke us through tiredness and frustration and our relationship is still recovering,

She's now the most cheerful, daftest toddler you could ask for, and we love her to bits but due to the nightmare first year we had with her, and the fact that both children now have a sibling, the urge for 3 is completely outweighed by never wanting to go back to the newborn days again.

You can't plan these things.

GlitterSparkle85 Tue 08-Oct-19 17:21:29

Do what is best for you and your family 4 year age gap between mine it's nice as she understands what's going on has her own personality and can do most things for herself eg dress herself so find that easier as can attend to baby if needs be. Only from personal experience due to the fact of how active first one was theres no way I could have been able to watch babies This is Only from personal experience that's why I think people that can watch 2 under 2 are absolute superstars!

melissasummerfield Tue 08-Oct-19 17:28:29

There is something about having two under two where the second baby is an absolute nightmare, literally everyone who ever comments on it on here and people i know in real life all say so!

My two under two experience was awful, until baby was about 3 tbh!

Didnt stop me having a 3rd though grin

I was 30 with my first too OP so i know how you feel , i would wait to see how dc1 is first before you make any grand plans wink

GlitterSparkle85 Tue 08-Oct-19 17:44:00

*Sorry meant I couldn't watch 2 babies

Aunaturalmama Fri 11-Oct-19 21:44:01

Wait a year to get pregnant again smile you can bust them out before 35 no problems! I got pregnant the exact same amount of time all three times.

Pipandmum Fri 11-Oct-19 21:47:53

As stated wait for your first! I had my second after 20 months but I was in my 40s. Two was definitely enough!

EmrysAtticus Sat 12-Oct-19 07:28:25

Definitely wait until you have had your first. I wanted 3 and then I had DS who had colic and reflux and I had PND. He is staying an only!

MrsL2016 Sat 12-Oct-19 07:33:52

I agree with PP that you should wait to decide once your baby is here. We always thought we would have more than one (probably two) but I don't suit motherhood at all and find it really hard, even with a relatively easy baby. Only one for us.

DearTeddyRobinson Sat 12-Oct-19 07:37:27

grin sorry OP but as everyone else has said, you really won't know how you feel until your first arrives. Also plenty of women continue having children into their late 30s/early 40s so don't worry too much about ideal gaps. It could take you 2 years to even contemplate having another.

notmytea Sat 12-Oct-19 07:41:09

Definitely wait for the first one to turn up. I had first at 30 and baby was very difficult, had severe colic and didn't sleep for more than an hour until 3 years old. I wouldn't have coped with another baby during that time, although I work full time so that added to the fatigue. Had second at 35 which has given us a 4 year gap which works well as the first can get dressed, make breakfast, has started school, has finally started to play independently. I won't be having a third. Working full time in a 50hr a week job, with 2 kids is plenty for me!

smeerf Sat 12-Oct-19 07:43:25

I was keen for a small gap, I'm ending up with a 27m gap between 1 and 2 and out of the 12 odd women with similar age babies I know, only one got pregnant with the second before me.

My nan had a 15m gap between my mum and my aunt and apparently it was very very hard. Much harder than twins, as she had two babies at totally different stages needing different things, different nap times etc.

DorotheaHomeAlone Sat 12-Oct-19 07:43:26

I had just turned 32 when I had my first. Had my second 19 months later, so was 33. Similar to others. First was fairly easy baby, second hated the car, pram and sleeping his back. We handled it but it was hard.

They’re lovely together now though. They’re 3 and 5 and love each other. Play all the time. Keep each other entertained. I’m having a third in a couple of months and will be 37. That’s a good age to be done for me. We needed a bit of a gap after the first 2 but we’ve been lucky to conceive first time every time so we’re able to ‘plan’ better than friends who have struggled.

Surfskatefamily Sat 12-Oct-19 07:44:31

My first is 18months and before he was born I wanted small as possible gap before the next.
However I'm really enjoying spending time with just my son and will start trying after he turns 2.
My thoughts are that he will go to preschool soon after that and be slightly more independent and also that will allow me bonding time with our second baby

mumblesandgrumbles Sat 12-Oct-19 07:49:06

If you’re 30 with your first you can easily leave the average 2-3 years between each and still manage to have all 3 before you hit your late 30s.

I had a 3 year gap but could have waited another year or 2 in hindsight. I am definitely not a fan of small gaps.

And then we decided to stop at 2.

Your plans may change but you are leaving plenty of time to have a few children in your early- mid 30s so don’t over think it.

TheVanguardSix Sat 12-Oct-19 07:55:59

Vaguely plan to deliver two more at 37 and 39 (assuming you'll be 35 when you deliver DC1).
And yes, see how you go.
My neighbour had dreamy DC1. When DC1 was 16 months she had monster DC2. grin I am sure DC2 will be a gorgeous child, but heavens above, DC2 screams down the neighbourhood and my heart sinks for mum. I had two incredibly high needs babies which can put a strain on health and marriage, no lie. But those early years do pass and despite the exhaustion and challenges, you wouldn't change a thing, apart from the exhaustion and the challenges!

Have as many kids as you and your DH feel balanced raising. That could mean one. That could mean 4. You'll know when you know.

TheVanguardSix Sat 12-Oct-19 07:58:17

I am so sorry. I assumed, reading your post that you're heading towards 35. But you are, in fact, 30!
Well that's a horse of a different colour.
I wouldn't have DC2 until DC1 starts nursery at 3.
3-year gaps and beyond are perfect!

stucknoue Sat 12-Oct-19 08:09:59

I have a 2 year gap and it's quite hard, 3 years is more affordable too if you are using childcare

PatchworkElmer Sat 12-Oct-19 08:13:55

I’d also wait and see how you feel. I wanted 3, DH wanted 2. Our experience has put us off any more! DS is 3 now, and definitely an only child.

blackcat86 Sat 12-Oct-19 08:17:44

I would see what sort of birth you have to because with a c section they recommend waiting at least 1 year to fall pregnant again due to increased risk. A lot of mums I've met are in their 40s so have their 2nd close together. I honestly wouldn't worry too much about late 30s. I'm 33 and am just starting to think about no.2 (DD is 14 months). Also I would wait to see the temperament of your first. DD is very strong willed and bright but a bit lazy with walking so I'd rather wait and get her moving a bit so I dont need to lug her around. Other babies I've met are very chilled and would cope better with a smaller age gap. Dd has also had some health issues so has benefited from a bit of extra attention.

Fresh01 Sat 12-Oct-19 23:46:40

I had my first DC the month after I turned 30. Next one 21 months later, next one 26 months later and next one 23 months later. So in just under 6 years I went from pregnant to 4 children.

It worked for us but I have friends who preferred the 3 year age gap or longer to the 2 year gap. Depends on each family and the children you have. All mine weren’t too bad at sleeping and none have any special needs. There is no right answer.

Biggest shock to us was no. 1 as we were so unused to babies. The only thing that noticed no. 4’s arrival was the washing machine as we pretty much need to do 2 loads a day to stay on top of the washing.

DustyDoorframes Sun 13-Oct-19 12:13:02

I've got three with 3 years 3 months between each of them, it's a lovely age gap! Born when I was 33, 36 and 39. DC3 is only a few weeks old though, and a very easy baby like her siblings. The two bigger ones really enjoy each other's company, and play together loads.
It was a more knackering pregnancy this time though!

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