Unexpectedly pregnant with third. Any advice?

[doyouthinkhesawme]

Long time user to Mumsnet but haven't been on in a while so managed to lock my old account (penis beaker, tiny Korean ladies, fat balls and everything else...)

Yesterday I found out I am around 6 weeks pregnant. Unplanned but not entirely sure if unwanted or not. I keep flipping from one to the other and I need some outside advice and will welcome all thoughts.

We already have two wonderful sons aged 3 and 5, they are our world. DH and I were never sure if we would have a third or not but wanted to keep options open,however yesterday's BFP was not expected or planned. I am on BC but did have a week of gastro which I irresponsibly didn't think about any further. Dh is like me, keeps flipping from one to the other and is worried about the effect it will have on our sons.(Fwiw I felt the same when I fell pregnant with DS2 and was convinced it would scar DS1 for life)

Im worried having a third baby will have a profound effect on my current boys but I don't know why! They are both loving and kind boys but everytime I look at them I get such a strong pang of guilt that I should just be concentrating on them. I'm one of 3 and my husband is one of 4 so we both have younger siblings and have turned out just fine

Financially we're not well off but we're managing and although another baby will be tough we could make it work tightening the purse strings.

I spend hours getting my head around having another baby and, dare I say, getting excited, then all of a sudden I get an overwhelming feeling of panic and anxiety and convince myself we just can't do it. We should concentrate on the children we have and focus on them.

We've just got out of the baby stage, both boys potty trained, both sleeping through and both fairly independent so feels like we have some normality back. But wouldnt this make having a third easier? Both would be in school and I've already coped with a newborn and 18month old and survived that!

But I just can't shake the feeling that we're not in the position to have another baby, but I don't know if I could ever forgive myself if we went through with a termination.

Did anyone feel like this and go on to have a third and find that it didn't ruin everything?? I have made an appointment with the GP for 5 days time to discuss either option but I don't know if I'll be ready to make a decision

[CannonCaboodle]

I would have the third.

[ruralcat]

Currently pregnant with our 3rd, other 2 are the same age as yours. I really wouldn't worry about the impact on them, if you are positive about the baby they will be too.
Financially with a 3rd the biggest thing we've had to consider is my car, I'm switching to a 7 seater, not an easy decision as my car is only 8 months old (thought a 3rd wasn't possible so charged ahead with life with 2).

[SleepingStandingUp]

Did you keep the baby stuff after your second child or chuck it all out? Can you afford 6-12 months on mat leave, the extra child care costs if you returned to work? Is there space in your home and car or would you need to move / expand?

That's the practicalities.

The fact you keep flipping to excited and think you'd regret it makes me think you already know the answer is to get out those baby booties

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Had DD Feb 2016

Has DS Oct 2017

She wasn’t happy but by her birthday she had accepted him. She would express unhappiness by slapping him or biting his feet when he fed from me.

So having DD2 in May had me shitting it about how DD and DS would react.

They LOVE her and they DOTE on her. It’s almost like she’s accepted being a sibling and DS has never known a life not being a sibling, so DD2 is like a living toy (I know, but it’s the best analogy) they can cuddle and love.

Lastly without sounding like a knob the tome flies even faster with #3. I still see DD2 as a newborn and we are gearing up to wean her in a few weeks.

Unless #3 would put you at serious financial or medical risk OR could torpedo your marriage i would do it.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Oh and two words:

SEAT Alhambra.

[inwood]

I've got two and couldn't afford a third, couldn't take the hit on mat leave again and would need to move house. Childcare for three would be a determinant to the two I have.

[doyouthinkhesawme]

Thank you all. I need some frank and unemotional questions and suggestions.

I'm very lucky that mat leave at my work (University) is generous (3 months full and 6 months 60%) but the childcare would be a struggle and it's likely I would be working for little take home pay. We wouldn't need to move (3 bed home and second bedroom big enough for DS2 and 2 to share) but would need a bigger car. I think my main concern is that in the next year we would finally have 2 children in school and it would be the first time in 5 years we haven't been paying out £800+ a month on childcare, so it's a big backwards step. We have a lot of baby gear in the loft but not everything so there would be a cost there. But we were also stupid enough to get ourselves into this situation so...

I'm pleased to read others who have seen a third child be a positive for their family.

Reading all this back it seems obvious what decision we should make so why can't I stop feeling so fucking panicky?!

[SleepingStandingUp]

finally have 2 children in school and it would be the first time in 5 years we haven't been paying out £800+ a month on childcare, so it's a big backwards step
It isn't a backwards step, just maintain the status quo. So dc3 is due April? Presumably Dc2 goes full time in tbe Sept? So you could potentially cut their nursery hours for the last few months and you won't be paying out for summer clubs. Bank a that money in a seperate account. If you go back to work in the Jan you won't be paying any childcare fro Aug so again, the usual childcare moeny goes into that seperate pot. When you return to work you'll be used to the outgoings sttill and will either has a bit of a safety net (minimum 5 months x 800 plus holiday club) or use it to pay off any debt to reduce monthly outgoings, esp if you've needed to borrow finance for a new car etc

And I'm saying when not if cos it honestly sounds Ike you've made a decision. Congratulations xx

[PicpouldePinet]

It irks me reading that you felt worried even having your second for the effect it might have on the first. I think no matter what women are just always programmed to feel worried or guilty about their choices. Working/not working, breastfeeding/formula, large v small age gaps... and a lot it is just nonsense. You're right to think about the financial aspects of course but it seems like you'd still be financially comfortable with a third. What exactly is worrying you?

[Aus84]

I have 3 and they are so beautiful together. Yes it's chaotic sometimes but it's also a lot of fun. Money wise the only major difference are holidays and the extended period of childcare. The shopping bills are not much different, we just have less wastage. (Will change when they are teenagers though!)

[doyouthinkhesawme]

Pinet - I don't know, I just have an inner monologue of worry. Will I have enough time for my current two? Will they feel abandoned when new baby comes along? Particularly my eldest but he has just had a difficult transition into school so that is lingering over us. How will I return to work and at what hours?

We do feel more settled now we've had time to get used to the idea. Still moments of absolute panic but they're becoming more manageable. I should have mentioned in my original OP that I do suffer from anxiety anyway so my base line is already higher than most. Dare I say it but there was even a fleeting moment of excitement yesterday.

I did tell my best friend yesterday, who also has 3, and she made me feel better by telling me lots of good things about it.

I appreciate all the comments and insights, I realise I need to get a hold of myself

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

I just have an inner monologue of worry. Will I have enough time for my current two? Will they feel abandoned when new baby comes along?

And that narrative will never leave you.

“Am I expecting too much of my eldest?
Am I ignoring the middle child?
Am I favouring the baby too much?
I’m letting them down as they now only get a third of my time each and not half”

BUT

It’s normal and ok to feel like that. Just sit with the feelings and they will pass. I feel like that EVERY SINGLE DAY and without a doubt the children love me unconditionally and are happy to see me.

[23Sarah]

I was in similar situation, I have two girls already and a few weeks back I found out I was pregnant. Not planned and I was on the pill. My first reaction I was over joyed and so was my BF. Then reality kicked in, how would this affect my two, financially could we cope etc. I was very torn but I knew that I wouldn't cope afterwards if I was to ever got rid.

I had to go in for a early scan last week, as I thought I was miss carrying. Turns out babies are fine!! All the worry I had of having one more, turns out I'm expecting twins.

I know things are not going to be easy but I know us as a family will be okay 😄