Eldest not happy about 4th baby

[rufus86]

Hi all,

I'm 14 weeks pg with no 4... it's taken a looooong time for me to get my head round this as it was completely unplanned. We told our oldest (6year old) last night and she hasn't taken it well. She says she doesn't want it to happen and is barely talking to me. It's breaking my heart, especially as it's taken me so long to get used to the idea, I feel like I'm back at square one again with my feelings.
Has anyone else experienced this? What can I do to make this easier for her? I haven't told the middle two yet, after last nights disaster I'm dreading it!

[potatoesofdefiance]

Hi rufus, I haven't been through this but didn't want you to go unanswered! I am currently pg with my 4th but a few weeks behind you and not yet told the older ones, not sure what response to expect to be honest!
I would give her time to talk to you if she wants about what is worrying her about the baby and just listen (obviously answer any questions she has), remind her (often) that you love her just the same no matter what, otherwise try not to bring up the baby too much. Basically give her space to get used to the idea and take her concerns seriously, hopefully the idea will grow on her, after all she is still little and 5 months is a long time to her! Did she have a difficult time after her current siblings were born?
If she's anything like my eldest (7) I would also get on and tell the middle ones before she gets in first
Good luck, must be really hard to deal with alongside pregnancy hormones etc. Hopefully it will all come right in the end with time, patience and reassurance.

[45andfine]

@rufus86 just had this exact experience. Mine are older 16,14,13,11 and usually calm, accepting, kind children. I told them last night about baby ( 16 weeks, unplanned, new partner) and it was dreadful. So much worse than I expected, youngest isn't talking to me. I really don't know what to do to make it better.

[rufus86]

45andfine I'm sorry to hear this, I know how hard it is. My daughter has since come round to the idea, on the agreement that it's a girl 🙄 we are going to book and pay for an early gender scan so I can put her mind at rest. Fingers crossed for a pink one. It took a few days and a few conversations for her to get her head round it. I pretty much just left her to it and she came to me when we wanted to talk. Just have to worry now if we find out this is a boy 🙄 good luck and big hugs it's so hard

[45andfine]

I'm so pleased that your daughter has adjusted. Mine also categorically don't want a boy!!

[rufus86]

What do you have already? My daughter is the eldest and then I have 2 boys... it would be nice to have 2 of each!

[Kewlwifee]

Have you asked their concerns?

[45andfine]

I have 4 girls, so a boy would be totally alien to all of us! They're beginning to open up about what their worries are, alot about the fact it'll be a half sibling and they're scared that they won't live it. Or that'll I'll love it more than I do them. The youngest was upset that she wouldn't be the youngest anymore, but seemed happier when I pointed out that she will be the youngest of her full siblings and that will never change! They've also started to get their heads around the fact that they'll all have left secondary school, before this one even starts primary, and that seems like a big deal to them.

I just feel terrible that I'm putting them through it all.

[Charles11]

Is there a chance that she’s heard some conversations that you’ve had? She may have overheard your initial responses that may have been shocked or negative?

She may just need a lot of reassurance.

[LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD]

I think it’s normal isn’t it? Our elder sister was adamant that another sister (when mum was pregnant) really ought to be a dog.

‘Oh mums pregnant! Do you want a little brother or sister?’
‘A dog’
‘Don’t be silly - it will be a baby boy or girl’
‘No, a dog’
‘But...’
‘Called Bowf’

Age still prefers dogs to people.

[45andfine]

@charles11 I'm thinking that maybe my own current concerns were quite visible when I told them tbh. I'm going to be very positive and reassuring from now on. She too would much prefer a puppy called Bwoof!