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3 children by 3 different dads ???

(37 Posts)
Thefamilythatmadelifeperfect Mon 01-Jul-19 12:25:29

Is 3 children by 3 different dads bad??
I have this horrible feeling about being judged...
I have 2 boys by 2 different dads currently.
My oldest son i had when I was 21 and we was with each other for 4 years and it just didnt work we was young.
My 2nd son I had 3 years ago he is such a little terror but wouldnt change him. I met his dad and we was together for 10months when I found out I was pregnant even though I was on the pill we agreed to keep him and stayed together for 4 years but we argued constantly and if it wasnt going his way he would ignore me until I agreed with him or done what he wanted. So that ended.
I met my partner who I'm with now and omg I've never felt love like it he is my world and I couldnt ever see my self not being with him.. we had a chat about having a child of our own and originally I said 3 years time. He hasnt got any of his own and adores my boys but he would like his own.
I just worry what peoples view will be on this??, how I will look with 3 children with different dads??? Also we have been together a year ?? Should I just not care what people think and do what makes me happy?? Or should I worry???
Advice no nasty comments.

Lemonmeringue33 Mon 01-Jul-19 12:51:20

People may judge, but that should not be your main concern.

Your main priority should be your existing children - not how you feel about your current partner. It is in their best interests to grow up in a stable, solvent, family unit. The worst thing you can do to them is to have a series of father figures in the home who then move out and leave their child and the other children behind - often in poverty. This is one of the worst starts a child can have in life and it is very difficult to overcome.

Are your past partners involved with their children? Are they paying sufficient maintenance on a regular basis? Are you financially secure?

You do not say how long you have been with your current partner. But it looks to be less than two years. Is he living with you? Are you both working? Do you have stable accommodation? Is he contributing to the family finances? Have you talked about getting married? Answers to these questions should help you make a decision about whether to consider having another child. If you are not absolutely certain don‘t do it.

Thefamilythatmadelifeperfect Mon 01-Jul-19 12:59:47

My boys are very happy and go to there dads every other weekend and see them when ever they want to. They pay for there boys.
We are financially secure with both working in very good jobs. (Me being a part time carer) my partner being a care co coordinator so both supporting are family.
He does live with us and boys adore him and see him as a very positive role model in there lives.
We rent our house which the lady we rent from is my friend so secure home.
We have discussed getting married and due time we will as that's what we both want.
I've been with my new partner for a year and we have just been talking about it so might not be now or another 2 years.. but it's on my mind that obviously theres always some people out there with opinions...

sneakypinky Mon 01-Jul-19 13:02:49

You've only been together a year, i'd wait.

Do you plan to get married?

crosspelican Mon 01-Jul-19 13:08:56

Wait. You've only been together a year and you're still in the loved-up honeymoon phase when everything seems wonderful.

Your youngest child is 3, so you're probably getting your free hours, and he'll be starting school before you know it. Right now you're a part time carer, but think of what you could do for your family - independently of any man - if you built up your qualifications and your salary.

As an unmarried part time carer, I would not say that you are financially secure enough to have a third child, but you have it within your grasp to provide for your existing children really well if you can put your energy into THEM and THEIR lives, instead of a third child just because a new boyfriend is feeling broody.

Your 3 year plan is a good one. Let this guy prove he has the staying power and in three years, if he wants to start a family with you, get MARRIED and start thinking about babies then.

Turn your part time carer role into a full time, salaried care coordinator role, or better. What steps could you take in the next 2 years to make that happen?

Gingerivy Mon 01-Jul-19 14:22:37

Do what's right for you and your family.

Anyone judging you is not worth wasting time on.

Thefamilythatmadelifeperfect Mon 01-Jul-19 14:25:30

Thank you.
We are very stable financially as both earn very good money. So not worried about money at all. Just hate the stereo type views that presume it's because of being a slut. We may not even have a baby for another year or two years.

Bluerussian Mon 01-Jul-19 14:40:55

Your three year plan is good, you've not been with your partner long but it woudn't be a bad idea to get married before considering any more children.

No one has the right to judge you. Some people are married three times and have a child from each marriage, are they any better? However I do believe marriage is a valuable legal and public commitment.

(Your "we was" is quite amusing.)

crosspelican Mon 01-Jul-19 14:47:47

Just hate the stereo type views that presume it's because of being a slut.

I agree that it's a horrible stereotype. The area to focus on for you here though is that 1 year in is very early to be considering starting a family with someone even if you did not have two children already to consider. THEY are more important in this picture than a future baby is right now and their needs have to come first for you, not your boyfriend's.

If he wants to start a family with you, get married first. If you are both si financially stable, get married and buy a home before you have a child together.

There's no rush to have a child.

Thefamilythatmadelifeperfect Mon 01-Jul-19 14:51:38

Yes marriage would be lovely but like you say some people marry and get divorced lots of times.
Think we see it as a bit of paper isnt going to change anything between us as we still love each other if we married or not. But I do think even waiting 3 years I think people opinion takes such a massive effect on people nowadays xx

OralBElectricToothbrush Mon 01-Jul-19 14:52:07

Please wait. You seem to have a pattern of having babies quickly after getting together with people. 10 months is no time at all. Use the time to possibly get married and save more money.

GlitchStitch Mon 01-Jul-19 14:54:37

How long have you been living together?

OralBElectricToothbrush Mon 01-Jul-19 14:55:49

A will is a 'piece of paper', so is a degree certificate, a passport, a Power of Attorney document. Marriage has very important legal ramifications. Most people do not marry and divorce 'lots of times' either hmm.

FriarTuck Mon 01-Jul-19 14:55:57

You've been with him just a year but are already living with him despite the fact that you have 2 young children who are going to be getting confused by the changes in their lives? hmm You need to slow right down for their sake.....

sneakypinky Mon 01-Jul-19 14:56:13

Only have a child with him now if you would be perfectly happy to be a single mother of 3 children.

1 year is not long enough at all to decide to have a child together. Especially if you have other children.

SweetMelodies Mon 01-Jul-19 14:56:36

3 year plan is good, I think now would be too soon.

DC90 Mon 01-Jul-19 15:04:48

I agree! Been together less than a year and he has moved in and wanting a baby... Seriously OP I'm not trying to patronize you but you seem a bit codependent. There doesnt seem to be much of a gap between partners either and you are rushing in to big commitments. Take things slow. Focus on your sons and create a lovely wee family the four of you. By all means revisit the baby thing in 3 years if you and him are still going strong and the family unit can handle the huge change but not before then!

Thefamilythatmadelifeperfect Mon 01-Jul-19 15:06:25

Think people are getting confused with what I'm saying.. just wondered if even after 3 years are people gonna have this opinion? Not saying we planning one now

GlitchStitch Mon 01-Jul-19 15:23:27

I think you need to slow down, he shouldn't even be living with you at this stage. From your timeline you got with him immediately after your last relationship ended. How about giving your kids a bit of stability for a while instead?

SwishSwishSheesh Mon 01-Jul-19 15:31:57

Of course people will judge. They're judging you now for having two children by two different dads and getting together with another bloke. Shouldn't stop you though if that's what you really want. People will always judge, anyone for anything really.

Unrelated question if I may, how do you manage to get really good money for being a part-time carer?

Graphista Mon 01-Jul-19 15:45:05

Honestly? Yes I would judge, especially with relatively small gaps between the children.

I think you've been irresponsible moving him in so soon.

The first year to 18 months you're in the rose tinted, honeymoon phase of a relationship, I wouldn't advise anyone moving in together earlier than 2 years together and especially when there are children already involved.

You need to stop prioritising your love life over your kids.

And thinking you need to have a baby with every "serious" partner.

Quite honestly with kids in the mix at a year in they should just be getting to know him and you should be keeping an eye out for what his faults are and if they're deal breakers or not and he should be doing the same with you.

Are you very young? You sound young.

Seriously all way too much too soon. Double up on contraception and be fastidious if you're on the pill.

The last thing needed here right now is another child!

Also if you think marriage is "just a piece of paper" you're incredibly naive and need to educate yourself. Marriage is a legal contact that covers rights and responsibilities on the parties in it.

As for you thinking your home is secure because landlady is a friend - again incredibly naive. You have a rental contract I hope? Even if you do that is not guaranteed secure housing.

Sounds to me like you've a lot of growing up and learning to do.

BlueJag Mon 01-Jul-19 15:53:30

I'll do things differently this time. Wait get married and see how you both feel about having children in the future.
I'm in a similar situation had one child didn't get married. Then I got married had 2 kids then divorced. At 21 I meet my second husband we welcomed our only son after 16 years together. We've been very happy for 30 years.
People will always judge but for me was about making better choices. I didn't want to carry on having children with different men until I was sure.

cocomelon23 Mon 01-Jul-19 15:56:01

I was going to ask that question too. How do you earn good money as a part time carer?

HoobleDooble Mon 01-Jul-19 15:58:29

I have a friend who, between her and her husband, have 4 kids with different parentage. She had her first when she was 16, the father was never involved, her second was with her first husband 10 years later, her current husband has a son from his first marriage, and they have a son together.

With the exception of her step son, I've known them all from being babies, their youngest is now 21, all 4 have good jobs, 2 are happily married with kids of their own and I can honestly say they are some of the nicest, most polite people you could wish to meet.

Anyone who judges her needs to look at the amazing job she's done of raising these adults.

KennDodd Mon 01-Jul-19 15:59:26

I'm a little bit confused by this. You say you earn very good money and are a part time carer. Do you mean you're a part time carer for a family member and have a high earning job doing something else?

HavelockVetinari Mon 01-Jul-19 16:06:46

Oof, you need to slow right down for your existing children's sakes. You've been in a relationship less than a year but you've already moved him in with your DC and are planning another baby?!

AllFourOfThem Mon 01-Jul-19 16:14:39

I think some PP are being deliberately obtuse about high earning and part time carer going together. It’s subjective and if the OP feels that salary is high earning then perhaps it’s because of her family or social circle that she is comparing it to.

I wouldn’t judge someone who had three children with three different fathers but I would if those children were not prioritised and well cared for in all respects.

OralBElectricToothbrush Mon 01-Jul-19 17:13:13

It doesn't sound the stablest, either, you work PT, you are privately renting, you're not married to your partner, you've only been together a year and you've already moved him in with your kids.

BerylCrow Mon 01-Jul-19 17:44:09

My DP is part of a 4 x 4 sibling group, and actually he does 'judge' his mother in the sense that he obviously has an opinion on it, and feelings about it, and has been affected by it.

As adults the siblings rarely see each other. It all got too complicated and messy. He finds his mother to be self-absorbed. He is a hurt bloke.

So I think if you talk to or read about older children of 3x3s or 4x4s who were brought up in non-celebrity circumstances, you might get an idea of some of the risks to the children. Currently you only seem conscious of the risks to yourself.

Monday55 Tue 02-Jul-19 10:38:21

Ofcourse people will judge, just refrain from telling people your business.

louise5754 Tue 02-Jul-19 11:05:19

My cousin has3 kids with3 men. She is pregnant with her 4th. All under 7 too so not the same circumstances as yours. The eldest doesn't see her dad.

My brother in law also has 4 kids with 4 different women. He only sees 2 of them.

P1nkHeartLovesCake Tue 02-Jul-19 11:13:21

Well it’s not ideal is it? 3 children, 3 dad’s. I mean you can have a relationship without having a child by them.

Is this relationship actually stable? Saying well his good with mine and would like his own, isn’t reason enough to have another child.

Also people that say met my partner who I'm with now and omg I've never felt love like it he is my world are normally the relationships that fail it’s the whole “never felt love like it” your what a year in.....

Bluerussian Wed 03-Jul-19 00:29:10

Interesting family you have, louise.

louise5754 Wed 03-Jul-19 18:02:56

@Bluerussian how rude

Hannahlouise4026 Tue 06-Aug-19 13:33:19

Please wait! I’m not sure on your ages. It having a baby after only a year with someone imo isn’t a great idea. I was with my now husband for almost 10 years before having our first, we were both ready before this in terms of being financially secure and truly in love, but wanted to enjoy being together.

Gin96 Wed 07-Aug-19 11:36:17

I wouldn’t worry about general people judging you, they don’t live your life, what you do won’t effect them and what they do won’t effect you. The only people who are important are you and and your 2 children and maybe your partner if he shows after time he is worth caring about. If it doesn’t work out with your partner and you are left on your own with 3 children will you cope? That’s the question you need to ask yourself, as no relationship is a guarantee of staying together and living happily ever after i’m afraid

Tweetingmagpie Tue 27-Aug-19 13:34:47

If you have your own money and house then I wouldn’t advise you to get married to someone you’ve been with w year when you have older children to think about, there’s plenty of time to get married in the future when you’ve been together for a few years.

I think you know if this person is right for you and your family or not, I’d go by your gut instinct. Some people may judge but I don’t think that should bother you, and tbh most people won’t know anyway.

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