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In laws refuse to come to ours at Christmas

(30 Posts)
Moving2Bournemouth Sun 30-Jun-19 16:06:09

First post - wondering how to approach/deal with this and thought I'd try out Mumsnet.

We are in the process of moving from London to Bournemouth. We have offered to host Christmas for my in laws, brother in law and his partner previously at ours in London but that offer was turned down straight away. We do understand why - we have three bedrooms but it would have been v cramped and not room for everyone to fit round the table. Several years on and we are finally making the big move out of London to the south coast. We also have a toddler and another due in the autumn. My brother in law now has three dogs (lab, border collie and cocker spaniel).

We will finally genuinely have enough space (sleeping and living) for everyone and because of our move the topic of Christmas and this dilemma came up earlier than it should have done. We alternate Christmas with my family and my husband's and it's our turn to be with his family this year. We have never hosted and as we will have space and a new baby (so don't fancy travelling) have offered to host - we were genuinely looking forward to this. They are all based about 3 hours north of Bournemouth and have only ever had Christmas at my in laws or brother in law's house. We didn't mention the dogs at all when we invited them but we will have a relatively new baby and the dogs are lively and fed a strict raw meat diet (!?!?) So not sure how the storage of that would work out with all the food needed for Christmas.

MIL has told my husband they can't come because of brother in law's dogs - he doesn't want to leave them over Christmas. So parents in law and brother in law, his partner and the dogs will have Christmas together then come to us on the 27th when the dogs can stay with the partner's mother. My husband is a man of few words and won't have said much when he was told and will have moved the conversation on. His family tend not to say when something has upset them or bothering them. But I think he is hurt and disappointed. I have suggested saying something (such as why can't his parents at least come for Christmas if his brother can't) as I was not part of the conversation but he doesn't want me to and has said I should just leave it.
Should we just leave it? Should we find a way of letting them know that we're sad and disappointed? Does this mean they will never come to ours for Christmas because of the brother in law's dogs (I feel it is a bit odd that the dogs come before seeing their only grandchildren) - is it better to accept this and move on rather than upset them by letting them know we're upset?

Thank you!

Nanasueathome Sun 30-Jun-19 18:45:15

We regularly have 2 christmases due to family logistics
I have 3 adult children and all work shifts where they would possibly need to work over Christmas anyway

There are 3 grandsons, brothers 7 and 9, and cousin 6
All 3 accept the fact there is usually more than 1 Christmas and live the fact they get presents twice over

Enjoy Christmas with your own family unit and then celebrate just a few days later with relatives

It’s a win, win

CharityConundrum Sun 30-Jun-19 18:07:08

OP - if a Christmas with just your immediate family is an appealing idea, then so much the better and I'm sure you will have a lovely time.

If not, I do think some of the PPs are missing the point - it may be some people's idea of heaven not to host at Christmas, but I like to spend time with the extended family and would be disappointed to be passed over so blatantly in favour of other family members. If you feel the same, OP, then I think you need to discuss it with your husband before even thinking of saying anything to your in-laws. If he really isn't bothered, then perhaps it is time to shake up the routine and see if your family want to stay - if that means that you can't host on the 27th (did they actually ask if that was ok, or just assume your invitation was flexible?) then you will need to work around that.

Seniorschoolmum Sun 30-Jun-19 17:33:01

You’ll have a new baby. And first Xmas in a new home. Sounds like an ideal solution to me. smile

Magmatic80 Sun 30-Jun-19 17:26:45

This sounds like your chance to get out of having to share Christmas with other people for the rest of your lives! Grab the opportunity to make it just your family, making your own traditions. Two days later for others to join will be lovely, now you can concentrate on it just being you and your children

WeeWeed Sun 30-Jun-19 17:19:47

I have hosted Christmas on the 27th, it really doesn't feel any different to doing it 2 days earlier. Would you really want to leave BIL out for the sake of 2 days?

AllFourOfThem Sun 30-Jun-19 17:09:57

I’d love this. You can have a lovely Christmas doing, eating, and wearing whatever you like, safe in the knowledge that you invited them so you don’t even have any guilt over that.

fraxion Sun 30-Jun-19 17:04:35

It would be a win for me too!

EileenAlanna Sun 30-Jun-19 17:04:23

Never understood the whole which parents do we go to this year thing. Christmas in your own home with your own little children is best in my book.

SnuggyBuggy Sun 30-Jun-19 16:35:46

I sort of get the issue. Some people (my DH is one) do see Christmas as a big family event and it must be pretty annoying to know you come second to their dogs.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 30-Jun-19 16:34:43

Glad you feel better.

ChicCroissant Sun 30-Jun-19 16:33:37

Is your DH disappointed or is you really, OP?

I agree with the other posters tbh, enjoy your Christmas with your new baby in your new home!

Pipandmum Sun 30-Jun-19 16:33:34

I think you’ll have a great Christmas just your family.
But I would never assume I could take my dogs anywhere - relatives or not.

wibbletooth Sun 30-Jun-19 16:32:20

Invite them now/at Xmas for 2 years time with a cheery ‘well it will be your turn to come to us and the gcwill be so excited to have you here and bil will have plenty of time to sort his dogs out beforehand with this much notice!’ Said with a big cheery grin when they are with you.

Either they will fudge and decline and your dh knows to be hurt or they will agree in principle but you will make your point...

ILoveAllRainbowsx Sun 30-Jun-19 16:31:55

Do you really want to host with a new baby?

Lots of people on here complain that they want Christmas without their extended family so make the most of it.

SnuggyBuggy Sun 30-Jun-19 16:29:02

All you can do is make an offer. It sounds like this doesn't work for them

Breathlessness Sun 30-Jun-19 16:24:41

Have a lovely Christmas at home with your baby and your DH and make some new traditions. I understand that it’s disappointing for your DH but if that’s their decision then I’d let it go and make the best of it. Trying to push his parents for more information might just stir things up more.

Moving2Bournemouth Sun 30-Jun-19 16:24:12

Wow! First post and already feeling better. Thanks all!

Bubblysqueak Sun 30-Jun-19 16:23:34

I think that's a good compromise. It's difficult to get dog sitters over Christmas and if they're not welcome then bil can't go.

Thisizit Sun 30-Jun-19 16:20:46

The idea of people staying over Christmas is my idea of a living hell.

I think you're lucky they declined!

LL83 Sun 30-Jun-19 16:20:04

If the usual arrangement is at PIL house then they may feel like they are ditching BIL to come to you when he can't come.

Possibly in 2 years PIL will gently tell BIL we want to go to Bournemouth this time as last time we didnt see son and Moving2Bournemouth on Christmas day.

Maybe they think it is better to give you Christmas day as a small family.

I would not be upset, and definitely not offended.

PanamaPattie Sun 30-Jun-19 16:18:38

It’s also a win for me. Too many members of the family in one place sounds like hell.

Redshoeblueshoe Sun 30-Jun-19 16:16:49

You are clearly new here.
Have a lovely Christmas, you can stay in your PJs all day and eat whatever you want

TheBrockmans Sun 30-Jun-19 16:16:30

Could your family come down instead? Or at least tell his family that you will offer for your family to come down this year and next then maybe by 2021 either the dogs will be up to traveling or the dc.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn Sun 30-Jun-19 16:16:26

New baby and xmas without the family descending on you. Fantastic! 👍

hazandduck Sun 30-Jun-19 16:16:06

I’d take it as a win too. You can have a nice Christmas with your newborn and your toddler smile hosting with a small baby may prove stressful any way.

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