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In laws refuse to come to ours at Christmas

(30 Posts)
Moving2Bournemouth Sun 30-Jun-19 16:06:09

First post - wondering how to approach/deal with this and thought I'd try out Mumsnet.

We are in the process of moving from London to Bournemouth. We have offered to host Christmas for my in laws, brother in law and his partner previously at ours in London but that offer was turned down straight away. We do understand why - we have three bedrooms but it would have been v cramped and not room for everyone to fit round the table. Several years on and we are finally making the big move out of London to the south coast. We also have a toddler and another due in the autumn. My brother in law now has three dogs (lab, border collie and cocker spaniel).

We will finally genuinely have enough space (sleeping and living) for everyone and because of our move the topic of Christmas and this dilemma came up earlier than it should have done. We alternate Christmas with my family and my husband's and it's our turn to be with his family this year. We have never hosted and as we will have space and a new baby (so don't fancy travelling) have offered to host - we were genuinely looking forward to this. They are all based about 3 hours north of Bournemouth and have only ever had Christmas at my in laws or brother in law's house. We didn't mention the dogs at all when we invited them but we will have a relatively new baby and the dogs are lively and fed a strict raw meat diet (!?!?) So not sure how the storage of that would work out with all the food needed for Christmas.

MIL has told my husband they can't come because of brother in law's dogs - he doesn't want to leave them over Christmas. So parents in law and brother in law, his partner and the dogs will have Christmas together then come to us on the 27th when the dogs can stay with the partner's mother. My husband is a man of few words and won't have said much when he was told and will have moved the conversation on. His family tend not to say when something has upset them or bothering them. But I think he is hurt and disappointed. I have suggested saying something (such as why can't his parents at least come for Christmas if his brother can't) as I was not part of the conversation but he doesn't want me to and has said I should just leave it.
Should we just leave it? Should we find a way of letting them know that we're sad and disappointed? Does this mean they will never come to ours for Christmas because of the brother in law's dogs (I feel it is a bit odd that the dogs come before seeing their only grandchildren) - is it better to accept this and move on rather than upset them by letting them know we're upset?

Thank you!

Mayday19 Sun 30-Jun-19 16:09:32

Good lord. They are coming two days later. Many of us would see that as a win.

Hoppinggreen Sun 30-Jun-19 16:12:25

You don’t need to approach or deal with it at all.
You invited them, they said no but are coming on 27th, no need for drama. It’s ok not to spend Christmas with your parents once you are grown ups

MeanMrMustardSeed Sun 30-Jun-19 16:13:10

It’s a win in my book too!

avalanching Sun 30-Jun-19 16:15:41

Oh that's great! I personally prefer Christmas on our own. So you can have a lovely Christmas the 4 of you, and they're still travelling to you later? Brilliant!

hazandduck Sun 30-Jun-19 16:16:06

I’d take it as a win too. You can have a nice Christmas with your newborn and your toddler smile hosting with a small baby may prove stressful any way.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn Sun 30-Jun-19 16:16:26

New baby and xmas without the family descending on you. Fantastic! 👍

TheBrockmans Sun 30-Jun-19 16:16:30

Could your family come down instead? Or at least tell his family that you will offer for your family to come down this year and next then maybe by 2021 either the dogs will be up to traveling or the dc.

Redshoeblueshoe Sun 30-Jun-19 16:16:49

You are clearly new here.
Have a lovely Christmas, you can stay in your PJs all day and eat whatever you want
🍾

PanamaPattie Sun 30-Jun-19 16:18:38

It’s also a win for me. Too many members of the family in one place sounds like hell.

LL83 Sun 30-Jun-19 16:20:04

If the usual arrangement is at PIL house then they may feel like they are ditching BIL to come to you when he can't come.

Possibly in 2 years PIL will gently tell BIL we want to go to Bournemouth this time as last time we didnt see son and Moving2Bournemouth on Christmas day.

Maybe they think it is better to give you Christmas day as a small family.

I would not be upset, and definitely not offended.

Thisizit Sun 30-Jun-19 16:20:46

The idea of people staying over Christmas is my idea of a living hell.

I think you're lucky they declined!

Bubblysqueak Sun 30-Jun-19 16:23:34

I think that's a good compromise. It's difficult to get dog sitters over Christmas and if they're not welcome then bil can't go.

Moving2Bournemouth Sun 30-Jun-19 16:24:12

Wow! First post and already feeling better. Thanks all!

Breathlessness Sun 30-Jun-19 16:24:41

Have a lovely Christmas at home with your baby and your DH and make some new traditions. I understand that it’s disappointing for your DH but if that’s their decision then I’d let it go and make the best of it. Trying to push his parents for more information might just stir things up more.

SnuggyBuggy Sun 30-Jun-19 16:29:02

All you can do is make an offer. It sounds like this doesn't work for them

ILoveAllRainbowsx Sun 30-Jun-19 16:31:55

Do you really want to host with a new baby?

Lots of people on here complain that they want Christmas without their extended family so make the most of it.

wibbletooth Sun 30-Jun-19 16:32:20

Invite them now/at Xmas for 2 years time with a cheery ‘well it will be your turn to come to us and the gcwill be so excited to have you here and bil will have plenty of time to sort his dogs out beforehand with this much notice!’ Said with a big cheery grin when they are with you.

Either they will fudge and decline and your dh knows to be hurt or they will agree in principle but you will make your point...

Pipandmum Sun 30-Jun-19 16:33:34

I think you’ll have a great Christmas just your family.
But I would never assume I could take my dogs anywhere - relatives or not.

ChicCroissant Sun 30-Jun-19 16:33:37

Is your DH disappointed or is you really, OP?

I agree with the other posters tbh, enjoy your Christmas with your new baby in your new home!

Apileofballyhoo Sun 30-Jun-19 16:34:43

Glad you feel better.

SnuggyBuggy Sun 30-Jun-19 16:35:46

I sort of get the issue. Some people (my DH is one) do see Christmas as a big family event and it must be pretty annoying to know you come second to their dogs.

EileenAlanna Sun 30-Jun-19 17:04:23

Never understood the whole which parents do we go to this year thing. Christmas in your own home with your own little children is best in my book.

fraxion Sun 30-Jun-19 17:04:35

It would be a win for me too!

AllFourOfThem Sun 30-Jun-19 17:09:57

I’d love this. You can have a lovely Christmas doing, eating, and wearing whatever you like, safe in the knowledge that you invited them so you don’t even have any guilt over that.

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