Cannot decide on whether to have 3rd!!! 😭(28 Posts)
I have a 3 year old and 1 year old. Boy and girl. Found it really hard going from 1-2 but they are a delight. DD is very clingy, drops her toys and cries when I walk out the room and only wants me to hold her when I’m around. Don’t know how she’d be with a baby. DS was great when she was born but then went through terrible 2s and still has major tantrums, some of them from having to share. First pregnancy and birth were easy. Second pregnancy and birth were v hard I thought I was done. We just about have space in our house and would definitely need a new car. Yet I obsess over having a 3rd. Every time I see families of 3 my heart twangs. My husband said it’s upto me as he’d be happy to and isn’t worried about car/house etc but I am! I grew up with 3 and we didn’t have enough and I always wished we had more but then my household wasn’t a happy one. I worry about disadvantaging my current 2 by having less time and money but then I worry about them being lonely with just 1 of them. What if one goes away. Really cannot decide and don’t feel time is on my side as I want to be done by 40 and I’m 38! Also have found it hard going back to work after second child and think I would basically have to kiss my job goodbye if I went on mat leave yet again. Both me and my DH need to work so that’s another factor. Any advice anyone??
I always wanted a third - I have two DDs now 8&10 and 15 week old twin boys! We ended up with a sneaky 4th when going
For our third.
No twins in either family. Massive shock and huge adjustment. That being said they are the sweetest guys - their sisters dote on them and their bond is incredible. They have completed our family - I am definitely done!
If you have the ache it won't go away - we waited 7 years and it nagged at me the whole time. I wasn't finished.DH would
Have stopped at 2, but I couldn't get past the ache. In the end we decided to go
For it on the basis that we didn't want to regret not doing so once we were over the hill!
Even if you have 5 children at some point one will end up being on their own as the others leave so that’s a nonsensical argument Oh and anecdotally I do know of a friend’s neighbour who had 2 children, tried for a third and had triplets!!
Financially (job etc) it sounds like a bad idea and they get more expensive as they get older!
But I do understand the yearning!
I would say that babies and toddlers are hard in a physical way. I have two dc who are now teens and this time is mentally so much harder on dh and I. Another baby might seem a cute idea, another teenager, not so much!
The majority of my friends have two children. The one or two friends who have three are just as happy so there’s no downside in that respect. I have heard them say that hotels etc can be difficult as they need to always book two rooms. I should imagine long family car trips are pretty grim too!
So I’ve given you lots of negatives but hopefully someone will be along with all the positives too. Good luck whatever you decide!
LOL! Crossed posts with Twins2019 - these things do happen!
Hmmmm I do think, if you are having such a dilemma, then you probably don't want a third child enough.
You know what you're getting into this time, so there's not that fear-of-the-unknown factor. Your instincts are holding you back and I think you need to be a lot more sure before bringing a new person into the world.
We are in a very similar situation and I keep going back and forth. One is 4 and the other 1.5 and similarly DH says it's up to me.
I was all set on 3 for lots of reasons. Now I see how well they play together and worry another would alter that. Also think of the practical things like cars, university, school trips, impact on environment and think we should stop at 2. I think I would always regret not having a third though...
We had a surprise 3rd - it's been much harder than we anticipated. Largely because since she was born, 7 months ago, between them they now have 6 additional needs which take up so much time and support that life is a mad rush with lots of medical appointments. They certainly won't accommodate full time working for both of us. I never would have thought it when we decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.
Do you still find things hard? If you do then I wouldn't even consider it. A whole other set of needs is a game changer. It's feasible to fit them in but it does detract from the other children. For us its something we're trying to work on. Atm naps aren't good and so I'm hoping that as she gets older that will free up a bit of time.
I wouldn't change her for the world. She is fantastic and I'm so glad she's part of our family. Would I have actively tried for a 3rd knowing what I know now - no. I'm so glad she was our surprise baby for that reason.
The thing is, we're all different and it might be a breeze for you. I have friends with 3 who manage fine. In fact 3 of my friends have 4. In your shoes I would look at the practicalities first and then think about how that would fit into your family and what impact there might be. Honestly thought from reading your post it rather seemed like you're in the ney camp and not the yey camp.
Thank you for the replies! I hadn’t thought of it like that @PenelopeHolmes and I think that’s a good point. I do kinda feel like I’ve got a boy and a girl should just be grateful. It also feels like they were meant to be- both born exactly a month apart, only ever had a boy and girl name which sound similar (not on purpose) and both coincidently had the same midwife when born! I feel like a third would be completely out the mix lol. Yet I still think about it. But I’ve seen it where having more children just adds pressure on the household, financially and emotionally (my mum had more children once we were older and really struggled, everyone including us thought she was unwise). I don’t want to repeat history! Also think if we do regret not having one and find we are in a good position in a few years, we can always adopt, not the same but gives another child a loving home. But then I see friends with their 3 little ones... lol
It’s just getting easier though I was up not too long after writing that post coz DD decided to be up early. But yeah the first year was definitely hard and as much as I was soooo glad for my daughter I didn’t enjoy the transition from 1 to 2. But yes it’s the fact that I’m finally feeling in a good place that’s making me question if we should. I was dead against once DD was born but then one day found myself thinking otherwise and hasn’t gone away since.
I also know of a family who have 2dc and then went for a third and are now pregnant with triplets!!
I have two dc and know for sure that I absolutely do not want any more.
If you are wavering I would say that it's not a definite no for you just yet.
I'd be practical about it. What are you going to do for money if you feel you wouldn't be able to go back to your job? I didn't have a third due to cost of childcare and my career. The pang went away. I am glad now both are at school and I feel I will get my life back soon. Also come time for uni etc I will be able to afford to help them.
I grew up with 3 and we didn’t have enough and I always wished we had more but then my household wasn’t a happy one.
You have hit the nail on the head. I grew up as one of three , to a very poorly father and a mum trying to make ends meet in supplementary benefit and some part time work. The finances were definitely hard but our childhood was very happy despite difficult circumstances .
My 2 siblings are without doubt worth more than any material good my parents could have supplied.
What is important is the strength of your relationship. Are you a real team. ? Do you genuinely respect each other's roles as parents ? If yes - go for it .
I did a LOT of searching for these kind of threads last year. Whilst pregnant with my second I thought ‘I’m definitely done at 2’ all the way through because I found it so hard, then once dc2 was born I became very broody for a third and that continued almost constantly for over 2 years. I’m relieved to say that the feeling has gone now! People say it will never leave you but I’ve found it has, and I was really desperate for a third, thought about it every day. Don’t get me wrong I still feel a pang if broodiness when I see newborns and if we won the lottery tomorrow I’d most likely have another, but I think in our situation (average income, have a nice life but money can be short most months and we both have to work) it would add a lot of strain to our lives (I’m sure a lot of happiness too of course) and I decided I want to be the best mum I can be to the 2 lovely dc I already have. Childcare would be a struggle if we had a third and money would be even tighter, I’d worry about my patience levels with 3 and that my oldest would end up ignored a lot as I’d be busy dealing with the younger 2. After a lot of thinking I kind of realised that I just felt really sad that the ‘baby days’ were over and I wanted to do it all again, but babies aren’t babies for long and I decided it wasn’t a good reason to have another, just because I missed having a little baby. I would say don’t make any rash decisions and take some more time to think. Think seriously about how you’d manage if you had to give up your job like you say - would you get another one? Would it be less money? Would you afford childcare, holidays, hobbies, shoes x 3, days out etc, Christmas and birthdays x 3, bigger car?
Dh and I are both one of three and we have three children. For us it's a good number although it did take time to decide to have dc3, it takes a leap of faith to willingly launch yourself out of the culturally approved identikit family!
I find the baby years hard work, so there's that to consider if it's true for you too, thank God it's the shortest stage
There are practical and financial considerations that you need to square first. But there are lots of workarounds if you're not set in how you do things.
Anyway, I think that you do want a third. If you wanted to stick with two you'd have posted in chat and not larger families.
@Amy326 That is exactly me! My reasoning too. Enjoy the hols which I always wanted and think about being a better mum to 2 than a stressed one of 3. The only thing is the baby stage is what I don’t care for, it’s more them being children and playing together and then being older etc. If I could skip the pregnancy and first 6 months or do a Kim K and have a surrogate lol it would be even more tempting. lol @teyem maybe you’re right re: where I posted lol.
I'm preg with dc3. House is fine size wise..2 will have to share but they do anyway and that's fine and we need a new car which annoying. We always wanted 3 so there was no hesitation and we just knew the time was right to go for it. No regrets.
I will go back to work but I love my job so also not an issue. My kids won't ever get to go to the Carribbean first class but I don't think they miss out massively.
@smallereveryday I do think that about my kids feeling glad for having siblings over material things on the other hand.
When in doubt, do nowt. I think our bodies do this when the youngest child becomes more independent, wouldn't theoretically needing breastfed (ie over 2/3) and nature thinks you could physically cope with another one. I know I don't want a second child and haven't since I held my newborn for the first time ( because we felt our family was complete, not because I couldn't face doing it again!) I felt strong urges when mine was 3 and then going to school but it always passes.
I was the same - couldn't get it out of my head and someone said "if you're thinking about it and it's nagging at you, you just have to go for it". So I did. But I don't think it was the right decision! Obviously I don't regret DC3 (he's amazing) but I regret the 3rd child. There's a 5 year age gap between DC1 and DC3 which isn't big by any stretch but the older 2 are held back by the little one. He was an amazing baby and it was all so easy until he turned about 18 months but he's turned out to be a tricky child (now aged 4) and everything revolves around him and his personality. I do sometimes think it would have been a lot easier and calmer with just 2! I guess my point it that 3 is a lovely idea but you just don't know what you're going to end up with and it could well upset the balance in the house!
I don't think the crux of the issue is whether to have 2 children or 3 children... there are pros and cons for each... ( and as one of 5 children who had a great childhood and whose siblings are now so important to me as an adult, I'm very pro large families!)... I just think it's such an important decision, there can be no room for doubt. You should feel absolutely certain that you want a third child. Or don't go ahead.
I was broody after two boys. Now have three. All older teens now and I adore them. They are such good friends and lots of fun to be with. The younger one is mad on sport and my weekends and weeknights are full of it. If I didn’t have a third I would have missed all of this. They are not just my children they are my life. Go for it.
That said the only caution I would add is that only the youngest has tantrums and still grumpy now, and it was a whole new ball game after two very placid happy boys!!
Remember there is guarantee of a healthy, happy child who will be a lifelong friend and companion to your existing children.
I have three and it’s fabulous. My third is a sunny, funny little person and brings out elements of her siblings that they didn’t spark off each other. We both work. Money is tight, holidays expensive (we don’t fly, although this can also now seem like a virtuous life choice so great), but the kids are brilliant and I love seeing three of them spark off each other.
It’s a totally personal decision though. I always set out to have three so got down to it as soon as I could after DC2, and didn’t do any thinking! It wasn’t great being stuck in the childcare/baby phase when lots of my friends were waving goodbye to nappies and nursery fees, but we’re there now.
Many people wouldn’t want to do it and I totally respect that.
I also know a woman who has triplets for her ‘third’ and her older two were both under four when they were born. But as I’ve been told about her by people in two countries (she is not an urban myth by the way, I’ve met her, it was just Small World syndrome) I think it’s the sort of thing people here and get scared by and spread the word! So don’t go thinking it’s a common outcome!
We'd only ever planned to have two, and I truly felt our family was complete after giving birth to dd2. Fast forward a year, and the broodiness was unbearable! It felt like an actual physical ache at times. I really tried to think clearly past all the hormonal broodiness about the practicalities and realities of having a third, and after much agonising we decided to go for it. After a year of ttc nothing had happened and I was starting to accept we were sticking with two.........lo and behold a bfp! Dd3 is 7 months old now and absolutely gorgeous. The other girls love her, and she seems to have slotted in. Although that's not to say there won't be difficult times ahead! DH and I are both one of three, so I think it just felt instinctively like the right number. Although he was would've been happy to stick at 2, he was open to a third. I generally feel really positive about how it's worked out, but we have lots of friends who've stuck with one or two, and I can really see how much more manageable their lives are, and that they get more time as a couple, and their dc get to have more days out etc. So I think it really depends on what you're willing to compromise on/sacrifice as a couple and a family. Myself and my sisters are such good friends and I have amazing memories of growing up with them. That's what I want for my girls. Good luck with your decision op.
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