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Going from 3 to 4.. upset over my mixed feelings

(12 Posts)
Soontobemumof4 Sun 10-Jun-18 23:16:08

Im not sure what i hope to gain from posting but 4 weeks after finding out im pregnant with no. 4 im still scared/petrified/upset. How I'm feeling upsets me too. With the previous three I was so excited, literally couldn't wait. This time I'm not sad I know once the baby is here I'll be fine (I hope). DH works away during the week usually so it's just me and the kids and this won't change once the babies here. I had just started to get my buzz back. I was losing weight, enjoying the children, looking forward to a few child free hours when smallest one starts preschool early next year, but obviously now I'll not get any time without a child for another 3ish years. I'm also dreading how people will react to four children. Three is a nice number, four in my head makes us sound crazy.

Is it normal to feel like this? It was kind of planned it just happened a lot summer than we wanted. My post makes me sound awful, I'm not really.

Please tell me some of your good (And bad) points of going 3 to 4. When the baby arrives I'll have a 7, 4 and almost 2 year old, one at school, one preschool and one at home and no real family or friend help.

PellyBay Tue 12-Jun-18 19:58:56


I was considering starting a very similar thread to this as I am feeling like you are just now! I'm 9 weeks pregnant with my no. 4. My other kids are currently aged 6, 4 & 20 months.

We weren't planning to have another one. I'd finally got back to normal size, was feeling fit and full of energy, youngest starts nursery later this year and I was beginning to think about moving forward in my own life, getting back to work properly etc. And then we were careless, and now yup, that's it for another 3 years.

I have considered abortion, but I just can't. I'm totally in favour of abortion for anyone who wants it, but it's not for me. And I know that once the baby is here I'll adore it as much as the others... and in the long run, I'm sure I'll be very happy things worked out this way, consider it a blessing etc etc.

But yeah, at the moment it feels like a long slog ahead! I'm looking forward to this time next year, with the birth and the pregnancy done (and surgical action taken to avoid this happening again...)

So I'd say it's normal to feel like this. And I read an article a while ago (can't find it now) that says mothers of 3 are much more stressed than mothers of 4. So that means it's going to be easier.....?

Dreamingofprosecco Tue 12-Jun-18 20:06:50

OMG I could have written these posts. Am in total shock to discover am pregnant with number 4! So I can safely say that these feelings are totally normal xx

Soontobemumof4 Tue 12-Jun-18 21:21:01

Thankyou for your replies PellyBay and Dreamingofprosecco please don't take it the wrong way but I'm so pleased your feeling like this too.

I had similar thoughts too and even googled a termination before telling DH, but I'm the same as you and couldn't do it, and certainly not because it happened a year or so earlier than we discussed. I know as soon as the baby is here, probably even at the scan, I'll feel something more towards it.

I still mostly co-sleep with my youngest, DH has spent the past 7 months on the sofa because we all get sleep then. Youbgest hasnt slept through on his life and were still up several times a night. We don't have room here for another child, well we could squeeze one in but we're cramped as it is. We're looking to buy but realistically not till next year. I can only seem to see negatives atm, maybe I need create a positive list to help me out.

How are you both coping with early pregnancy and looking after the others? I'm struggling so much with sickness, tiredness and serious lack of patience sad

PellyBay Wed 13-Jun-18 08:06:59

That does sound really tough. Especially the sleeping parts, because that can sometimes colour everything else. But at least you knew you wanted a 4th (even if, ideally, not so soon..) so you could start your list of positives with remembering all the reasons you had for that.

You'll make it work somehow. Maybe the new baby will be happy to sleep in a cot. Maybe you'll happily co-sleep with both of them. Or maybe no.3 will suddenly turn a corner and start sleeping through. It's very likely things will have changed by the time the baby comes (especially with a few nudges in the direction you would like to be going..)

I don't mean to sound preachy though. Because honestly, I'm struggling a bit - it's just easier to rationally consider other people's issues than your own! LACK OF PATIENCE is definitely a big problem for me just now. I feel like I'm being hard on my 2 oldest ones because I have zero tolerance when they fight/don't listen to me/ don't want to do stuff... instead of trying to talk them round calmly I seem to be yelling a lot and I don't like myself for that. And I worry about how I'm going to find enough time to spend with everyone individually.

And I feel guilty because everything seems to be getting away from me, and other women seem to be so much more organised/motivated/productive than me!

And yes, tiredness doesn't help. I don't have a lot of sickness, i've always been lucky with that, although I do have a background low level buzz of nausea and ever few days a sinus headache... some days are OK, others really aren't... I'm anticipating that 2nd trimester energy boost in a month or so and hoping things will start falling into place after that!

Elliepurplestar Wed 13-Jun-18 11:32:35

I’m with you... currently 11 weeks with the eldest 6 years old and now having an unplanned 4th. It’s been really tough getting my head around it. We also don’t have the space... no idea how we will do it!

Hideandgo Wed 13-Jun-18 12:01:03

Yep, normal. Accidental #4 is now 4 months and he’s gorgeous and completes us. That doesn’t change how hard it was to find myself pregnant, go through all the sickness and misery while trying to cope with 3 preschoolers. The labour that I so much didn’t want to do again. All that was shitty but the child is a gift. A little extra special in fact because he shouldn’t exist. The thought that he nearly didn’t gives me such a jolt.

But I think I’ve mild PTSD from the rest. I feel horrified and sick when anyone tells me they’re pregnant since and have to manage my thoughts and realise it’s not me!

Montsti Thu 14-Jun-18 19:45:00

We planned to have 4 and we’re dortunate enough to...3-4 has been the easiest transition even though no.4 co-sleeps and is very clingy...when she was born my others were 8, 5 & 3...

For me 4 is a great number. 3 not so much (even though my youngest 3 are the same gender) hence why we wanted no.4...both dh & I ate 1 of 3 and really didn’t want 3...

Truedetective Sun 17-Jun-18 15:41:12

I have a 6 year old, 5 year old, 2 year old and a 6month old smile

My 6 month old wasn't planned and it was quite a shock. I had a horrid pregnancy a cause of health problems and worried all the way through.

I have to say I was worrying for nothing. My 4th little one has just fit in with family life! My older two are a great help and he's such a good baby. Going from 3 to 4 was way easier than I thought it would be.

My only bad point is sleep. I still don't get a lot as my 6 month old isn't a great sleeper and nights he sleeps better my two year old decides to wake up! But I'm so used to it now.
I've only had good reactions to having four kids! Some people do like to stare when I'm out with my double pram and a kid on each side though lol.

Truedetective Sun 17-Jun-18 15:42:05

although I think people stare as I'm in my 20's with 4 and look younger than I am!

Soontobemumof4 Sun 17-Jun-18 20:57:40

Im certainly used to hardly any sleep. My 17 month old is still up several times a night. I got out for the first time last night with friends, I thought it would make me feel better but actually it made me feel worse.

I'm really hating myself for feeling like this atm, DH keeps asking if I've told anyone, if I'm excited, etc. We've not told anyone and I'm definately not excited sad

I'm sure further down the line I'll start to get excited and I know the baby will be loved and wanted once its here.

Thankyou all for your posts, it has helped me a lot. At least I know this is normal and ok to feel like it. Only a few more weeks till 12 week scan and I hope by then I'll feel differently

Truedetective Sun 17-Jun-18 21:16:19

Please don't feel bad. I wasn't excited at all but that all changed when baby arrived. I love him more than anything but was definitely not enjoying being pregnant x

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