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Will I regret not having a third?

(14 Posts)
Mamaalwaysworried Tue 06-Feb-18 21:17:33

I've got 2 gorgeous girls 1 and 3 and dh and I always wanted a big family, we had often said 4 kids would be ideal.

Well, life got crazy difficult after having second dd and a year of undiagnosed post natal depression/anxiety means I still feel like I can't cope with 2 kids. We've just moved house, I've gone back to work after maternity leave, husband started his own business, older daughter started full time one nursery. It's all CRAZY.

After 6 months into dd2, I vowed I wouldn't have anymore because I just found it mentally impossible to manage. Simple tasks became a burden and I just couldn't/can't cope even with all the family help I get. I know big part of this is my mental health more than anything.

Anyway, the point of this is, am I going to regret not having a 3rd or 4th? I already feel so jealous when I hear someone i know is pregnant and I wonder if this feeling will just get worse? I'm only 28 so I know I could have a big gap and have two more later, but I equally want to be "over and done with" the physically challenging parts of motherhood.

Mamaalwaysworried Tue 06-Feb-18 21:34:13

Not that it gets easier as they grow from what I hear but I just mean the sleepless night, the teething, etc

kaz86 Wed 07-Feb-18 11:18:18

Hello hun smile.

I can't really help in a way, however I kinda know how you feel. It's either going with your heart or your head?

How are you now mentally? Have the pnd gone now? Did you find any thing that helped that may mean it's easier next time.

I know little about pnd but I think you have a higher chance of getting it again.....

I'm in a way in a similar situation when I went from 2-3. I had a 4 and 3 years old , who both had autism. My 3 year old was near impossible, argued hit every one. He saw no good in any thing.......
we had his little sister and omg he change, he become sensitive wanted to spend every minute with her, loved playing with her, wouldn't let any one else (apart from family near her). We were expecting him to be impossible and be angry and hate the less attention he would be getting we expected him to regress... although we planned our third as I decided to go with my heart and not my head, I was so worried how I would cope....
However she was the best thing to happen in our family, she brought us all together....
My son still has autism his still very difficult but he always will Be and I'm now thinking number 4? (Would be our last).
I know it's different, and people are different but in my case I think I will always look back and wish we had one more not wished that I hadn't.
However pnd is different.

monkeysee100 Wed 07-Feb-18 11:22:26

I never thought I would agonise over this but everyday I waiver. I love my two DDs and I'm so sad to think that's it. My oldest DD has a genetic condition and I worry about her as she grows up. My cousins lost a sibling recently and I feel for them so much. But then my husband's job has been insecure and I work such a lot already. I just don't know

Mamaalwaysworried Wed 07-Feb-18 11:27:55

It's so difficult to know what's right. I know I will look back and regret not having more but at the same I'm terrified of more kids.

I worry about everything and have anxiety issues so I don't know if I can cope with anymore.

NoSquirrels Wed 07-Feb-18 11:28:02

I always wanted three. We stuck at two- I didn’t want a large age gap between DC2 & DC3, and at the time we’d have needed to get on with it, it would have been impossible and possibly marriage-ending- the stress of 2 small DC was too intense coupled with some job/health/life factors.

I don’t regret it. Sometimes I wish I’d had another as the DC get older just because babies/toddlers/small kids are amazing, and I genuinely enjoy them, but I suspect I’d feel that way however many children we’d had.

I don’t know how we’d afford more DC either, quite honestly. They get very expensive over a whole childhood!

Treaclespongeandcustard Wed 07-Feb-18 11:32:33

Hello op. I wonder if you were part of a large family? I was one of four and it was shit. I have 2DC and feel that they both get lots of love and attention. I definitely wouldn't have more because your time, money and attention has to be divided up into smaller proportions. while it might be ok for the younger ones, it can be crap for the older ones. I always liked my siblings and still do, but I think I missed out on a lot because there were so many of us and my parents were poor and knackered.

kaz86 Wed 07-Feb-18 11:41:32

Treacle I'm the opposite to you and a single child, and I hated it. I look around and my friends are great friends with their siblings and there kids are all friends and they meet up and go places together etc. And still as a adult long for that.....
So I wanted 4, then when I read what you put I feel bad for my eldest. I find it's either 2 or 4, with 3 someone seems to be left out :/.

Mamaalwaysworried Wed 07-Feb-18 12:04:55

I'm one of 3, with 7 year gap between me and my middle sister and 12 year gap between me and my youngest sister.

The gaps were shit. Don't know why my mum did that because we've all ended up in our own world, miles apart. I'm 28, youngest 16 and middle 21. None of us really connect.

That's why I was keen on small age gaps. I have 1 year old and 3 year old and ideally don't want more than a 3 year age gap between second and third, but will my mental health be fixed by next year to start trying? Who knows.

Treaclespongeandcustard Wed 07-Feb-18 12:06:03

Aww I'm sorry Kaz, I definitely didn't mean to make you feel bad. There were other things in play in my family too (divorce, blended families, arguing, etc) and so I'm sure there is a way to have 4 happy children. flowers

Treaclespongeandcustard Wed 07-Feb-18 12:09:07

Big gaps are hard I agree op, there was 12 years between me and my youngest sibling. We never connected. My DC are similar ages and (so far) seem to get on well. I like how they are into the same things and can giggle together. I feel like our family is set in a happy place. Only you (and your DH) know what is best for you and your family though.

Johnnycomelately1 Wed 07-Feb-18 12:20:12

Not that it gets easier as they grow from what I hear but I just mean the sleepless night, the teething, etc

You know what? I know people say that but I totally disagree. It gets a fuck of a lot easier in my opinion, just because it at least gets more interesting and you can involve them in doing stuff you actually want to do or failing that they leave you in peace while they're off doing their sports/ music/ whatever. Plus, they can carry a conversation,holidays are holidays again, bums are wiped by the owner of the bum. After my youngest turned 3 I feel like parenting really turned the corner.

I aint never going back there for any amount of money.

kaz86 Wed 07-Feb-18 14:19:38

No treacle I didn't take offence!! It's just strange how our past shapes our family. I'm
Sure mine will say they will have one one because they are one of three lol..
It's really difficult I feel I will never stop being broody.
Also
The gaps are getting bigger so it makes me worry. I have a 7, 6 (well nearly), and a 2 1/2 year old I wouldn't have another till youngest at school but the gap between biggest and youngest would be massive :/

Redpramlady Wed 07-Feb-18 16:20:02

I feel for you, I totally feel the same
If only there was a crystal ball
Simply cannot shake the feeling of a third and everything seems against it

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