Dealing with judgement(23 Posts)
I’m struggling with an unplanned and undiscovered pregnancy. Our 4th child will be arriving in 9 weeks.
I have no doubt I’ll love this baby as much as the others and will have to find a way to manage BUT
OMG I am struggling with the judgements. From reading comments online about selfish breeders ruining the planet to the shocked noises and unrelenting comments when strangers ask “Is this your first” and I say “No my 4th”. Not once has someone (other than friends and family) just smiled and said ‘congrats!’
Sometimes I feel like lying and staying second. Our older two are much older and are well behaved and independent anyway so often we do things with just them or just the youngest while the older spend the day with family.
How do you manage? Grow a thick skin? Don’t notice or just lie?
saying it’s our second that should have read.
Oh and ‘sort out contraception’ as if it hadn’t occurred to me and someone says that and I’m going to have a lightbulb moment and go ‘oh yes! Contraception!! Thanks for the advice I just couldn’t be bothered / was too thick before you said that’
I have 11 and have developed a thick skin over time!! 'Yes we have a TV now' is my usual respond to the aghast looks.
Smile and ignore.
Good luck with everything!
God it would never occur to me to be embarrassed or to expect a negative response. I'm due #4 in 8 weeks and mine are all under 5 so when someone asks 'is it your first' I proudly laugh and say, no it's my 4th. They usually laugh too because it's a slightly unexpected answer. I've never felt any judgement even when people say 'do you not have a tv', 'you must be mad' 'I couldn't do it' even if they said 'what about overpopulation' I'd still just smile and say 'I've a few family members who don't want any so they've given us their quota' and wouldn't give it another thought.
So yes, it's a thick skin you need. The vast majority are not judging you, just thinking to themselves they couldn't do it. I'm proud that we've managed to and get to see 4 little ones interact and grow up together.
I'm more impressed at this point that you managed to get this far along before you noticed the pregnancy. Four really isn't that much, especially if there is a considerable age gap. Congrats!
Oh and if someone told me to sort out contraception I'd take that as a joke too. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest! I'd be happy to honestly answer that all except the last were planned and the last can be blamed on the NHS who made me wait 6 months for the coil which I had to cancel the day before insertion due to a 'late period'.
The contraception comments were on here and said in a nasty way when I was asking for childcare advice. Along with suggesting I adopt the baby out.
Sort of similar situation Lovelamp. Was suffering ridiculously hideous ‘periods’ and had had the depo injection and was waiting for a scan to find out why the bleeding wouldn’t stop but they were repeatedly cancelled due to ‘sickness’
I also have one fallopian tube and didn’t show until 20 weeks.
When i finally got round to having a scan there she was. Fully formed and waving at the camera
I'm pregnant with my second and have already had the "but that will be you done now right?" comments and asking DH when he's going for his vasectomy. But days after DS was born others were asking when we were having another.
We think we'd like 3 or 4 but taking it one at a time and we'll see where we'd like to stop.
People just love sticking their noses into stuff that doesn't concern them! Ignore and don't give it a second thought.
@ ttbb I don’t think I worded my post well I didn’t just find out but I only found out at 20 weeks, very late into the pregnancy and near cut off date.
I remember your earlier thread with the bonkers advice from some posters. I do wonder what planet people live on sometimes.
To be honest I’ve had this with my third child, as there’s a bit of a gap with the other two. I find it very annoying but just smile and nod.
Thanks for replies. I know I’m going to need to toughen the hell up. I’m sure it’s because I’m sitting here on mat leave, overthinking stuff and reading too much mumsnet.
Once I have 4 kids on the go and I’m juggling work and childcare I doubt I’ll have time to notice other people’s judgy judge pants comments.
Ah, I remember your first post. Some total assholes on that thread😂 Don't give them a second thought, you don't owe anyone any explanations.
I think your problem is simply that you haven't made your peace with this new baby quite yet but you will get there. People really in general don't care how many kids you have and their comments are a reflection of what they are imagining in their heads if THEY were to have 4 in that moment. Then they walk away and don't give it another thought.
I'm also pregnant with our fourth and haven't told a soul yet (apart from dp). I'm dreading the reactions from our parents tbh; they're amazingly supportive but will wonder how we'll cope (and childcare will obviously get much more difficult to arrange!)
As to others, I'm not sure how I'd take rude comments like the above. I still haven't decide yet whether to say this was an accident (which it was) or lie and say planned.....
My friend has been very critical of another friend of hers who is expecting her fourth. I'm also dreading telling her!
I'm really surprised at the negativity you've encountered. When my 4th was born I had 4 under 5 and never encountered that attitude. Surprise sometimes and some "you're brave" type comments, or jokey "haven't figured out what's causing it yet" one's. But plenty of compliments too.
Tbh I think lots of people just say something to make conversation without really thinking about it.
Mine are all boys and the comments I disliked most were the "poor you with all those boys" or "will you keep trying for a girl?"
Congrats on your baby OP - don't let them bother you. Mine are 12 - 16 now and I still love having four!
No one congratulated me for number 3 or 4
..pregnancy. . There are some very odd people on mn when it comes to opinions on other people having children so please take their opinion with a truck load of salt. Some people are just inappropriate. I've had all sorts of weird advice about family planning from complete strangers when they enquire how many children we have (expecting our fifth). I've had the 'oh, this must have been a big surprise. It'll be your last yeah?' I smile and say 'we'll see, never say never.'
I had this with my third. 'Have you found out what's causing it yet?' 'Was it planned?' 'Were you on contraception?' 'You're mad!' 'You'll have your hands full!' Etc etc. I think most people are either making conversation/think they're hilarious/couldn't THEMSELVES cope with that many children.
I agree with the PP who said that part of you finding the reaction of others difficult to deal with is that you are not entirely used to the idea of 4 yourself yet. I felt the same with number 3. But he's here now and wonderful and other people's opinions aree irrelevant. You will be fine. And CONGRATULATIONS
I'd secretly love to have 4
To be honest I don't even think of 3 or 4 as a big family. That would be 6 and above. I have 3 and don't think of us as a big family. I think in the Uk so many families just have 1 or 2 that the idea of "large" is skewed.
I'm pregnant with baby 6. I found that after baby no2 we started receiving negative reactions to our baby announcements, even from family.
We get the 'don't you know what's causing it?' 'haven't you got a tv?' Blah blah blah, every time we go out. Even the mw had some rude suggestions about contraception after she discharged our 5th baby.
You just have to shrug it off. It's your life and your decisions. And it will be your beautiful baby that will bring joy to your life.
I don't know where the thought of 2 children 1girl, 1boy being the perfect family came from. 60 years ago, having 10 children was 'normal'.
As for the overpopulation issue, some people have 2 children, some 6, some 0 children. It evens out. Many of my friends have no children, they get as many comments as me, only theirs are 'so when are you going to have a baby?'
We won't even announce this pregnancy as I don't want to hear people's rude comments spoiling our exciting, joyful time 😊.
Totally get this. People think 2 is the perfect number. We were very lucky to have a girl followed by a boy. So every one automatically thought we were done 🤷🏼♀️. I didn't care about gender at all.
When I was pregnant for the third time a lot of people seemed genuinely baffled as to why we'd want a third when we already had one of each gender...I got the impression that it would be OK/excusable if we had two boys or two girls and were trying just one more time to get a child of the opposite sex! The third turned out to be twins!
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