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What made you go for four? Pros and Cons?

(31 Posts)
Mum8 Thu 26-Oct-17 06:47:53

I Have three kids age 3, 5 years and a 7 month old and I’m 39 years old. We decided with DH this was it and I even gave away baby things to friends. But now I feel like I want a forth one again and want to really think it through... I had gestational diAbetes with my last DC which I successfully managed with diet and my DC3’s Labour was not easy though all was good in the end.
Did anyone have a fourth child? Late as well? And with a small age gap between DC? How is it? I will be 40 early next year so if I had a fourth it will not be earlier than at least 41 years... love kids and four will be more balanced but not sure about burden it can bring to the family with another pregnancy and Labour etc...

MurielsBottom Thu 26-Oct-17 07:09:10

We had four dc in five years. It was full on for a long time but I was 31 when my youngest was born. Not sure I could or would want to manage it now. I am glad we did though,we never felt complete with just three. Tbh I'm not sure there are any pros apart from doing what you think is right for your family. I certainly wouldn't change it now but it seems mad looking back.

Madlizzy Thu 26-Oct-17 07:18:59

I didn't have any choice, as number 2 turned out to be 2, 3 and 4 in one go!

imip Thu 26-Oct-17 07:23:24

Yes, I had no. 4 at 40. They were all born in 5 years. It's all fine. Yes it's busy, but you're busy already! We have 2 dd with ASD also, that's our complicating factor. It does make things difficult, but we are managing (zilch family support).

They are now 5, 7, 9 and almost 11. It's bizarre to have them all at primary together, and things aren't always a bed of roses - I really struggle in particular with 1 dc - but sometimes they really do just come together and get on!

Mum8 Thu 26-Oct-17 07:24:02

Madlizzy oh wow well done you! Must be kind of cute I’m guessing though hard work... do you enjoy it? And were you a late mom like me?

whoareyoukidding Thu 26-Oct-17 07:25:01

I am sure there are loads of people who are really glad that they had 4 children. However, I personally would not recommend it. Firstly financially it's a big commitment, then there's the commitment in time - you already have a very young family and with the best will in the world your attention will be further split. Then there is your own health to consider both during pregnancy and after baby is born - how ever would you cope with looking after your other 3 very young children, and that's with husband and possibly a nanny too.

Lastly, I am one of four children and I hated it and yes of course just because I had a negative experience it doesn't mean anything, but that' s the truth. Plus, what if the new baby has a disability as was the case with my mother's youngest?

I am biased, yes, but this is my advice.

AveEldon Thu 26-Oct-17 07:30:14

Why did you decide you were stopping at 3?

Tilapia Thu 26-Oct-17 07:39:21

I have three DC close in age, and when they were similar ages to yours I really wanted a fourth! But DH wasn’t keen so we didn’t.

Mine are now 8, 10 and nearly 12 and I’m so glad I stopped at three. They all get on really well, they’re close enough in age to want to do similar things (eg this half term we’ve done a couple of days out which have worked well for everyone) and I’ve got my career back on track (which gets harder the longer you leave it).

This is just my experience, of course - but you did ask for people’s experiences!

overmybreadbody Thu 26-Oct-17 07:40:52

I'm one of 5 and only want 2 dc 3 as an absolute max.

TaggySits Thu 26-Oct-17 07:49:21

I have 4 aged 8, 6, 4 and 2. Life is incredibly busy, but I think that would be true even with 3 kids. I love seeing them all together - really interesting dynamic between different pairs, sometimes the oldest two play ready creative games together, other times the boys set up a game that they love, sometimes it's the oldest and youngest having fun with each other, it's lovely seeing the different relationships they each have with the rest.

One definite downside is less one-to-one time with each of them, but I actively arrange one evening each month with one child to try to address that. Obviously less money too and everything costs more for a large family, but I've always enjoyed cheap activities with the kids (was broke when first had kids) so they have never known any different and are delighted with trips to the park, library etc and only occasional expensive outings/holidays.

I love it, but I grew up in a large family which perhaps helped.

Mum8 Thu 26-Oct-17 08:04:41

I wanted 3 as it is not small and not too big and always wanted to have two girls as I never had a sister and wanted to at least have two girls. I am lucky to have that and a DS which I always wanted to. The desire for 4 only started now esp after we gave some baby things to friends that are expecting and I started feeling broody again...

Mum8 Thu 26-Oct-17 08:06:33

It could be hormonal as my period just started too. And when I was thinking this is it for us I felt sad and old ...

MercuryRising Thu 26-Oct-17 08:20:01

Hi mum8. I am 37 and we are currently ttc number 4. We have ds1 11, dd 9 and ds2 1. Ds2 was a surprise baby. We would have happily stuck with 2 but now we have 3 I would like a fourth so ds2 has a sibling close to his age.
I also had gd with ds2 and was on insulin but it was manageable and I am prepared to deal with the condition again if it arises.
I also had c sections for each of my previous births but having read up on the risks I feel we will be ok to have one final baby.
I think having a fourth is a big decision but only you really know what is right for your family. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Ginandplatonic Thu 26-Oct-17 08:32:01

I had my 4th at 43, first at 38. TBH number 4 wasn’t planned but I’m actually really glad now - 3 didn’t feel finished, 4 does IYKWIM.

It was really busy for a few years and I think the oldest got a bit short changed in terms of individual time and what I expected of him at a young age. He seems to have turned out ok though at 17!

The other big negative after time is cost - it’s MUCH more expensive - 3 can fit in a normal car, you can get family tickets to attractions, you can find family rooms in hotels to fit etc. With 4 you need a huge car and family things never cater for 4 kids.

I’ve focussed on the negatives, but I love having four, they have all had plenty of my attention, have all been able to do the different activities they wanted to (caveat - I was and am a SAHP), and they’ve all grown up to be great kids. I would definitely do it again.

Mum8 Thu 26-Oct-17 10:44:10

Thank you Ginandplatonic and Mercuryrising, will have to think this through, maybe once dd2 is one years old things will get clearer and will know if to go for it or not...

Madlizzy Sat 28-Oct-17 19:40:16

I was 29 when I had them. They're 18 now. grin

Ethellsmum Sat 28-Oct-17 22:52:00

I really couldn’t decide whether to stop at 3 or have a 4th. After a lot of thought I decided 3 was best for us - then the following week found out I was pregnant with number 4! I’ve never regretted it. Our 4th is just an absolute delight and adored by her older siblings. I am so much more relaxed than when I had number 1 and 3.

However, it’s bloomin’ hard work. She is 4 now and it’s getting easier - so much easier that I’ve just googled “having a 5th baby” 😧.
Downside with 4 - it’s chaos, there’s not enough of me to go around, the washing never ends, bigger age gaps so days out are tricky, I keep feeling like my career has been permanently on hold, babysitters are unheard of and the expense! The expense is getting more obvious now they are getting older and wanting phones, pocket money, expensive trainers etc.

I sometimes worry that my kids will resent me for having a large family and not being able to afford holidays abroad, the latest iPhone etc but they all keep asking for another sibling so they can’t find it too bad 👍.

Ethellsmum Sat 28-Oct-17 22:54:11

Oh and the biggest against for having 4 - the arguing, every single time we all go out in the car, over who has to sit in the boot seat. The tantrum my dd threw this afternoon was epic 😧🙉🙈

Herschellmum Sat 28-Oct-17 22:59:27

I have 4, it just kind of happened lol (yes I know how babies are made) .. I love them with all my heart and wouldn’t change a thing, but 4 does feel like a lot. Time, money and generally feeling exhausted.

Mine were a small age gap, all in 4 years, I had twins in the middle. I do wonder how I got though the early days sometimes. I was 30 having my last.

However, day to day 4 didn’t feel much different from 3. But trying to fit everyone in, clubs, homework, appointments, pick ups etc ... it feels like a lot, but like I say I am not sure one extra made much difference to us.

OneMoreTune Sat 28-Oct-17 23:15:01

I have 3.

I did want a fourth when dc3 was still a baby but as time has gone on I realised that a fourth would be too much. Dc3 is fabulous but very talkative, opinionated, demanding etc (which wasn’t apparent in babyhood!!) and they can all argue about everything. I think a fourth would mean I’d be spread too thinly amongst them. I feel fed up sometimes just trying to keep up with appointments, after school clubs, play dates, laundry, and refereeing their arguments over toys and tv programmes and so on.

As much as I still love the idea of a fourth baby I know it’s the right thing for me and our family to stay at 3 dcs. I do still feel wistful about it occasionally but I know the bad days would outweigh the good (for me).

firawla Sat 28-Oct-17 23:18:44

I have 4, I was one of four and four had always been my ideal number, although I have a big gap between 3 and 4 so were a family of 3 kids for quite a long time. I actually had Gdd with my 3rd too but somehow did not get it with dc4 although i was convinced I would due to having it before

JaniceBattersby Sat 28-Oct-17 23:21:24

Ethellsmum we have that exact same bullshit about the boot seat!

I have four under seven. It’s so, so hectic and much more expensive than three. I love it. Absolutely love it. The kids love it too. There’s never a dull moment. They all bring such joy to us and each other. I’d have a fifth if anybody made a car where you could have five children in it as well as a boot that fitted a pram grin

Mum8 Sun 29-Oct-17 02:35:46

So many nice stories about 4, OneMoreTune that is my concern that I will be regretting not going for it, but it is still early days
Firawla, that is interesting about not having GD with DC4, what is the gap you had between DC3 and DC4 and how old were you at birth of last child if you do not mind my asking?

PolarBearGoingSomewhere Sun 29-Oct-17 07:20:43

Thank you all so much for your contributions to this thread. It's so helpful. I have 3 DDs - 6, 3 and 1.5.

DonkeyPunch88 Sun 29-Oct-17 11:40:56

I have 4. Oldest is 10 and youngest is 4 months. I’d decided that I was done at three kids, gave away all the baby things and settled into my life, then EXH became my EX and further down the line I met a new chap. 5 years later I realised I really wanted a child with him and if we didn’t I think I’d regret it as they were always my children not ours. Now I feel complete and I love the chaos that is my house. Yes it’s expensive and noisy and my car is practically a barge but I’m happy.

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