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Deciding whether to try again after a loss when you already have a large family

(6 Posts)
justcurious40 Sat 12-Aug-17 12:04:19

I am blessed to have 4 lovely children, aged 10, 7, 5 and 3.
For the past 18 months, we have been TTC number 5.
In November last year I had a very early loss at 4 weeks 3 days.
Then, on 10 July, I lost another little one at nearly 9 weeks.

Now I am really confused. If I had a crystal ball and could see it would be okay, I wouldn't hesitate to have another.

But I am so scared it would go wrong again, maybe even later on. I was so lucky to have my 4 kids without any complications or miscarriages, so I feel like I am pushing my luck here.

It is so hard to give up on number 5 though!

So I guess my question is: how do you know when you're done? When it's okay to stop trying to add to your family? If I only had one child, it would be a no brainer as I would want a sibling for them, but with 4 already, maybe it's not worth the risk??

I am 41, which is a big factor in the decision. Feels like it's now or never and maybe is already too late. If my chance of miscarriage is 50%, perhaps it's crazy to even think of it??

Annabelle4 Sat 12-Aug-17 12:35:20

That is so hard for you and I'm so sorry about your losses 💐

I can imagine that it would be so difficult to end on a loss, as the decision was taken away from you and wasn't your choice. That is hard regardless of how many children you already have IMO

I guess it comes down to whether or not you want to take the risk, and if you think you're emotionally strong enough to deal with ttc, a pregnancy and the risks of that pregnancy?
Would you consider some counseling and exploring your feelings?

What does your dh/dp think?

Annabelle4 Sat 12-Aug-17 12:36:10

*counselling to explore your feelings

justcurious40 Sun 13-Aug-17 13:57:38

Thank you for your reply.
Yes, ending on a loss after so many lovely childbearing years is part of the problem. Such a sad way to end this chapter.
I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with another loss. I think I am doing pretty well considering it was only a month ago. But partly it is the hope of another baby that is keeping my head above water. I don't think I would cope well if I had another loss and decided to stop trying, or if I had a later loss or worse.
My husband is happy with the 4 we have and does not feel a desperate need for a 5th, but would be thrilled to have a 5th if we did. He said we will try again if I want to, so it is up to me. Which is great, but also hard, as it feels like I have to make the decision!

Mrscropley Fri 18-Aug-17 17:01:10

We had been ttc again. I am now 46 and after 3 chemicals and a mc at 8 weeks in the last 2 years I am done.
Dh is gutted but it's obviously not meant to be. .
Easy said but hard to accept.

MummyMustard Wed 30-Aug-17 04:41:07

I'm so sorry.

I have 4 kids as well and I'm now pregnant with 5. I also had a loss in November and it was so horrible. The doctor, the counselor, the ultrasound tech, the doctor who announced in front of everyone in the ultrasound waiting room that my baby's heart wasn't beating. It was just a horrible experience. I was scared (and still am) and I'm 28 weeks now.

I think if you know in your heart you want another one, then you should keep trying. I have heard after 3 losses they will run tests to help you determine the problem.

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