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Scared to try for number 5...and scared not to! Help!

(12 Posts)
justcurious40 Mon 17-Apr-17 12:36:30

Hello. I have 4 lovely children, the oldest is 9 and the youngest 2.5. I will be 41 next month and we have been trying for number 5 for a year. We had one early miscarriage in November. Since then I have really been seesawing on what to do.

I felt so sad about the miscarriage (my first - I know I have been SO lucky!) that my first reaction was to try again asap and "fix" the problem.

But I am also really scared of things going wrong. What if I had an even later miscarriage, or worse? What if the new little one had special needs that meant our other 4 children don't get the attention they enjoy now?

I have read quite a few threads on here and seen that quite a lot of you feel worried about "pushing your luck", which is my worry exactly. I never worried like this with the other 4, but my age obviously doesn't help the risk assessment!

Finances, car, house size, etc, are all considerations but I can get past those. For me, it's entirely about whether the baby and I would be healthy. If someone could hand me a crystal ball and say it would all be fine, then I would go for it with no other concerns!

Does anyone have any advice? I suffer quite badly with health anxiety so I don't know if the worries I have because I am too risk averse in that area, or if any sensible person might have the same fears!

The flip side is that I am not getting any younger, so it's now or never. What if my fears get in the way now and I regret it when it's too late to TTC again?!?! Aargh!!!!!!!!!!!! This decision is impossible!

justcurious40 Mon 17-Apr-17 12:37:57

And sorry for ending almost every paragraph with an exclamation mark. There's a fair indication of my state of mind right there! (Oops, there's another one.)

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 17-Apr-17 12:38:40

Very sorry to hear about the miscarriage.

I am watching with interest re: DC4. Have a 4, 3 and 1 year old. All healthy and not sure if we would be pushing our luck

justcurious40 Mon 17-Apr-17 12:49:55

How old are you Gobbolin? I was 38 when I had number 4 and I didn't even give risks or complications a second thought. Number 4 is an absolute delight and I would never be without her. The other three all adore her.

SuperSix77 Mon 17-Apr-17 14:15:15

Totally understand your concerns, justcurious40. I was exactly the same. I have 5 kiddos, eldest is 9, youngest is 2. I've had great pregnancies & never miscarried, so was well aware how lucky I was. But I knew I wanted one more. All those concerns about baby's health (as well as my own) came into the decision this time (had never really given that more than a fleeting thought before!)...ultimately decided to leave it up to fate. If it happened before turning 39 (my own personal 'cut off point' in my head!) then great. If not, then it wasn't meant to be & I'm blessed with my fab 5. I got pregnant the month before I turned 39 (after about 10 months of trying). Due number 6 in 2 weeks & thankfully all seems good. It's been another great pregnancy. So my advice would always be to go for it. You'll never regret having another (or at least giving it a go)... but I think if it's in your heart to have another & you don't try, it may always be a regret. Good luck with whatever you choose. X

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 17-Apr-17 16:40:29

I've just turned 39. Our oldest is only 4, so going to school in September. I worry about giving h g them all the time for homework et.

justcurious40 Mon 17-Apr-17 19:25:31

Hi Gobbolin. I can't really advise on the homework front as we home school, but it's certainly true that it can be hard to find enough time for everyone. That said, you already have 3, so what's one more...?! ;-)

justcurious40 Mon 17-Apr-17 19:26:56

SuperSix, thanks for your positive message. I'm really glad to hear of how lucky you have been, and wish you all the best for the imminent arrival of number six!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 17-Apr-17 19:28:38

I had number 11 at 43 so you have plenty of time left op.

justcurious40 Mon 17-Apr-17 21:00:31

Hi "flapjacks". Thanks for your reply. Were you ever worried about complications? I am finding it so hard to gauge whether my fears are reasonable or whether it's my evil health anxiety frightening me off the idea!

60percentbanana Mon 17-Apr-17 21:57:35

I'm in a similar position - I'm 37 with four dc already. I had an early miscarriage in January (also my first - like you I've previously been incredibly lucky) and am now 5 weeks pregnant.

I don't tend to worry much about my health but I'm definitely more worried this time round, more aware of every little symptom due to the previous mc and more aware that my age heightens the risk of various things (issues with baby, issues with delivery, perhaps greater risk of spd as I'm a bit heavier than last time). I can rationalise that the statistical risks aren't as increased as they feel, but I'm still concerned.

justcurious40 Tue 18-Apr-17 20:30:51

Hello, 60percentbanana. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Try not to worry too much. 37 seems very young in my eyes, and I didn't have a second thought about risks when I had my daughter at 38. Wishing you a very happy and healthy 9 months! x

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