Help!! Pregnant with surprise 3rd baby & struggling with guilt :((5 Posts)
My partner and I had always planned on 3kids but after 2 sons (3.5yrs & 23months) we convinced ourselves to stick with 2..mainly financial reasons-we don't own our home yet, aren't married and want to give our 2 kids the best life we can. Our boys are also super close and we didn't know if a 3rd baby with bigger age gap would be the odd one out.
Anyway, I found out I was pregnant this week (I'm 5-6 weeks) and although I know I will love this baby with all my heart, I am struggling with guilt for several reasons:
1.I came off the pill a few months ago due to severe side effects that left docs testing me for diabetes and menopause-it was the 2nd pill I reacted badly to since having kids so I didn't want to try yet another. We've used condoms (and a couple of morning after pills) but accidentally fell pg a couple of weeks after returning from Jamaica which is on high alert for Zika. Midwife said not to worry as I did't conceive there but I can't help but worry that we weren't careful enough and that our baby may have problems. All the medical guidance says not to get pregnant for at least 2 months if you've had no zika symptoms. They won't do any extra tests either so I just have to wait until 12 week scan to see how everything is. Which is a lot of time to stress so I feel added guilt that I shouldnt be putting feelings of stress on the baby.
2. My sister in law is currently struggling to conceive a 2nd and my sister has just started trying for a 1st. They both knew we wanted to stop at 2 and I feel terrible knowing that Ive got the one thing they want so easily. I won't tell them til much further along because ive had 2x m/c before and because I don't want it to upset them or make them feel under pressure while they're trying.
3. I currently work as a nanny, taking my own 2 along as well. I'm certain I won't be able to do this with 3 of my own which means putting all the financial strain on my partner.
4. I feel bad for this baby because I don't have feelings of excitement and joy at the moment. I think its partly because of the feelings of guilt and worry, and partly because I'm now trying to undo all the work I did last year of convincing myself not to have a 3rd.
I guess I'm hoping for some reassurance and reminders of the positives of 3 kid's because I desperately want to be excited (as I would have been before we talked ourselves out of it)
I was in a similar situation with DC4. DC4 is 11 now and gorgeous and much loved by everyone.
That is hard with the Zika worry adding to your anxiety. I hope the scan puts your mind at rest.
Also getting your head around stopping at two and then being launched into having 3 after all is a real roller coaster. I think if you overthink it you will just drive yourself giddy. There aren't really any rational reasons to have one or two kids (overpopulation, expense, exhausting etc) so having kids is always emotional rather than just rational.
You are where you are now. It's done. All being well you will have a lovely family of 5.
Given the problems you been having maybe your partner could think about the snip
Unless you're independently wealthy getting married and/or making plans to continue WoH after maternity leave should be a priority, for your financial security. Might childminding be an option, for example?
Thanks Chillywhippet you've reassured me, I feel a bit more normal for having the roller coaster emotions as you put it. And I have suggested the snip a few times but typical man he hates the idea big time...not that I'm going to stop working on gentle persuasion mind you!
Dozer I have considered childminding in the past but dismissed it as our previous home just wasn't suitable. I will definitely will look into it again now as our eldest will be out at school soon and our home here has much more suitable space. I convinced my OH some time ago to get married before buying a house-were thinking of eloping to keep it about us rather than the focus ending up on ALOT of family drama on my side, so at least it won't cost as much as the average wedding.
Magpie, glad you are feeling a bit better.
My DH said he'd prefer a fifth baby than having the snip so I'm one to talk
My brother and SIL had fertility treatment when we were getting pregnant without difficulty and it does make things awkward.
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