Third child conundrum(18 Posts)
Hello, am new here, looking for some advice! My husband and I are discussing having a third child, and because we can each fully appreciate the other's viewpoint, actually coming to a decision is proving difficult. I am the driving force as I have a strong instinct to have another, and am largely emotionally led in all the major decisions I make. My husband is overridingly practical about his decisions and thinks very carefully about any important choices he has to make. Essentially, although he says part of him very much sees the positives in having another baby from a purely emotional standpoint (ie the idea of having a larger family) he is struggling to reconcile those feelings with the knowledge of all the inevitable practical changes and emotional pressures it will entail. He has suggested that I try and compile a list exploring the reality of these issues - ie how will having another child ACTUALLY impact upon our lives? Any thoughts? Perhaps from people who already have 3! I don't want to 'convince' him to have another, but I need to make him realise I have fully taken on board what the reality of having three (in a practical and emotional sense) actually is! What is it really like having three? X
It's hard work. We don't all fit in standard hotel rooms, three proper car seats is almost impossible to fit in one row in the car, I only have two hands but three kids! Of course I love all my kids but do feel envious of people who have just one or two children.
Thanks for your reply, how old are your children? We have two boys aged 5 and coming up for 3. Feels like such a tough decision to make as you know you'll be throwing yourself into chaos voluntarily! I just have a gut feeling it'd be worth it
I'm only 9 weeks in but I'm loving having three. The car seats thing is a hassle but so far that's the only negative! My older dc (6 and nearly 3) adore the baby's daughter I find it so much more enjoyable this time, we already have a schedule with the older dc that she just slots into and having a 6yr old at home is almost as good as another adult, someone you can have an actual conversation with and who can help out a bit!
It was the right decision for us, but we were well set up for it from a practical point of view. I was already a sahm, we already had 4 bedrooms, a 7 seater car, the baby stuff was in the attic, etc- those are all things to think about. Other questions will be what kind of holidays do you enjoy now? Flying will be more expensive, hotel rooms more expensive and awkward as pp said, but packing up the car and driving to a campsite isnt! What are your plans with work and childcare? Affordability is the big question really, and the logistics of ferrying everyone round to various clubs. It's also harder in ways I didn't expect as the age gap between the eldest and youngest is so big. With the first 2, it was all home /preschooler venues suitable for both. Now I have to entertain a toddler while the older one does karate and stuff like that.
That's the practical side anyway. But if you want to know if I love it, the answer is oh god yes!
my dc are 8, almost 5 and 3 Oinkus They are a lot of hard work, just in general lol. I don't know if it will get easier as they get older into teen/pre teens or will it get harder? haha. I see my friends with 1 or 2 kids and they are driving their little cars that use hardly any fuel and i just seem to have a tank that runs on £50 notes :D
It's really good though that you are your DH are able to see the others point of view. Good luck deciding!
I have a 5 year old, a three year old and a 17 month old, all boys. It was tough at the start as the baby cried all the time because he had reflux. That was a shock as second son was a very easy baby. The close age gap between 2 and 3 didn't help either. It's a lot better now though and my youngest is easier to manage. We changed our car for a seven seater when I was pregnant so I don't have an issue with fitting car seats in. It is hard work with three young children but I found it hard when I just had one! I'm thinking about having another so it can't be that bad with three. Or maybe I'm just a sucker for punishment!
My dcs are 8,4 and 2. No 3 was a bit of a surprise! Practically we've had to get a new car -7 seater was the only way we could get the car seats in. We are building an extension as dc 1 has medical issues and will need their own room.
I love the bones of dc3, she is a delight and I wouldn't change a thing but I do think life would have easier, cheaper and more straight forward if we'd stuck at 2.
My children are 9, 7 and 3. I did find having three very difficult at first and often felt that I'd bitten off more than I could chew. My husband is out of the house 13 hours a day and I have no family near by to help me. There were many times when damp washing went mildewy before I could hang it up to dry! For me, the main issues were things like how to supervise my youngest to keep her safe whilst simultaneously helping the older two with homework, listening to them reading etc, free of noise and distraction from the baby. Also, having to take all three along to hospital appointments, A&E visits etc was also a bit of a nightmare! And I still feel that my youngest is semi-neglected: she spends so much time in the car on the school run or taking the other two to after-school activities etc. I have a lot less time to play with her and that makes me feel sad sometimes. Having said all that, it is getting easier now (& if you have family support it does help a lot) and I do love having three!
Thanks for the messages and thoughts. I guess I feel that having another child is never going to be a practical decision but if I can show my other half that there are solutions to some of the practical implications of having another perhaps I can help him see the light! We could afford to have another but it would mean some compromises such as less expensive holidays etc, though we don't really have expensive tastes. Has anyone in retrospect actually thought they may have made a different decision having had a third, or anyone felt a strong desire for a third but not gone ahead and how they came to terms with that? In some ways I wish I felt 'done' like some of my friends as it would be a lot simpler! Thanks again.
I have three ages 2, 5, and 7. I had a traumatic birth after two straight forward ones and I found it very difficult trying to recover with 3 kids & no family support apart from my DH. My third child was a terrible sleeper which put a big strain on day to day life.
I thought I would really enjoy the baby as we planned it would be our last but Im ashamed to say some days I was so exhausted I found myself questioning my reason to have a third.
Having said all that I love having three and now we are all getting a full nights sleep I am enjoying motherhood a lot more.
Its busy but I wouldnt have it any other way.
Best of luck with your decision.
No problem at all number 3 just slotted straight in. So much so that when he was 14 weeks old I was pregnant again. That's when the fun really began, 3-4 was like hell on earth
I had six children four singletons and one set of twins. I think it got easier with more as I worried less. We passed clothes down and between friends, had all the basic baby equipment anyway and quickly realise you don't need most of it. The only fussy eater was the first one who was probably indulged too much.
I wanted a third for a long time. DH was adamant that we were not going to have a third. DC1 & 2 are now 7yo & 4.5yo and, certainly for the past twelve months if not longer, I am so grateful that I didn't manage to persuade DH to my way of thinking.
At the time, I was in a baby/toddler bubble and think it was partly that I didn't want to be forced to leave that world. Mainly, it was naivety and ignorance. I had heard the phrase "small children, small problems; bug children, big problems" trotted out umpteen times but had no idea how true it was and how much parenting older children required. Yes, DC2 didn't sleep through until he was 3.5 but I was pretty certain it was just a
very long phase. What about the bullying that DC1 is currently experiencing? Is that just a phase or does firm action need to be taken. What will the long term effects be? And she is still close to the beginning of her educational life? What support will she need if she is diagnosed as dyslexic next year? Alternatively, what will I do if she gets "spotted" by sports coaches (as happened to a friend's 8yo who now spends a lot of time every weekend playing sport at least 40 mins from where they live).
Also, my career is back on track, we have good holidays, choice of car etc etc.
The only continuing negative for me is that nursery & school have always told us how caring our DC2 is and he has never had a chance to show that at home as he is he youngest. We might get a rabbit later this year though...
We made the decision based completely on our emotions. We were in no way shape or form in any position to have a third. But I was completely determined I wanted a third and DH was adamant we either did it soon after dc2 (I had dc1 in my teens so ended up with a 7 year age gap between first 2 which wasn't ideal)
Practically, logistically, financially... dumb decision.
Emotionally... categorically the best decision I've ever made.
Our family is chaotic and a logistical nightmare but it's also full of love and amazing memories that make you forget about the hassle.
Life is hard no matter what you choose to do. Where there's a will there's a way.. or so they say😂
Oinkus we are in exactly the same position for exactly the reasons you state. We have dd 2.10 and ds 11 months and I would love another, I'd be happy to wait and see how things go but I'm 40 next month so kind of want to get on with it
They are both rubbish sleepers but amazing anyway and I just love the idea of three, I am one of three have always wanted three even in the bleakest moments of exhaustion. But I do understand all of the practical objections he has, I have no idea how we will resolve this. I worry it will be worse than I thought and so as you say of course don't want to persuade him!
I'm pregnant with my third child and literally just sat down tonight and wrote a list of the practical things that might have to change. Here's some of them if it helps? It's boring and detailed but may be what you're looking for.
We're getting a people carrier. Three car seats do fit in our car but it will just be easier.
Bedrooms in the house are fine, we have enough but they'll all sleep together anyway when the baby's old enough, we like it that way.
We normally go camping for holidays and that won't change (that will just get better as the more the merrier with camping!) Sometimes we do all inclusive abroad and that is looking much more expensive as we will need two rooms/a suite to fit everyone in. We won't be doing all inclusives for a while.
We won't be able to go swimming together till the eldest can swim??
For us to go cycling together we'll need a double trailer and a child seat.
Days out otherwise will be fine using a double buggy/sling.
Going to the park etc will be fine
Going shopping in cities will be a worry as one could run off into the traffic and I don't have enough hands, we'll probably go to shopping centres/Out of town places for a while.
Supermarket shopping will be a pain with 3 so I'll do that while the eldest is at preschool.
Just sit down and work out how you'll all eat and sleep in your house and how you'll all travel in a car and on foot. Then what you like to do as a family (daily routines, dsys out and holidays) and whether those activities are still possible with three. Good luck
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