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How to accept this is our last child

(18 Posts)
AfroPunk Mon 31-Oct-16 18:04:48

I recently he gave birth to dc3 (6w ago). It took a long time to decide to ttc him and I've felt quite confident all through the pregnancy (and now) that he is our last child for various reasons:

I've had 2 c-sections now
Age gaps between children (eldest dc is almost 8yo now)
House size
Car size
My age (risks involving multiple choice c sections which increase after 35yo - I'm almost 34yo now)
Dh's age (40)

Reason dictates he is the last. I realise this is not a problem as we are blessed with 3 beautiful, healthy, loved and wanted children. But I'm very maternal and love babies. I felt a bit sad saying goodbye to the hospital where I had him; to the midwife, and as the health visitor left our house today. These are the last 'first times' too. It feels like my programming is going wrong by saying a final 'no' to anymore.

If, in the months/ years to come, I feel pangs around a newborn, or if my mind wonders about more babies, how do I over ride those feelings?

Any advice is appreciated.

bigbuttons Mon 31-Oct-16 18:09:29

well apart from the house/car size things the rest on your list did apply to me and that didn't stop me and dh having another 3.
I had my last at 39.

StuntNun Mon 31-Oct-16 18:30:42

I just felt that I wasn't finished at three. Now I have four and I'm happy that DS4 is my last baby. I think you know when your family is complete. I've had three sections. Age gap between oldest and youngest is 12 years. Two children share a room. We did have to get a bigger car. I had my youngest when I was 39 and DH was 39. We probably can't afford this size of family but we'll get by somehow.

Icapturethecast1e Mon 31-Oct-16 18:40:02

Perhaps you could help other parents out with their babies either voluntarily or in a paid role. OK so they won't be your own but lots of people will appreciate a person who genuinely loves children. Or consider fostering when the time is right.

Eminado Mon 31-Oct-16 18:43:25

Wow OP my dd2 is 12 weeks old this week after a 2nd cs (which i didnt recover well from) and i am REALLY struggling with the same feelings as you.

Watching with interest.

OhTheRoses Mon 31-Oct-16 18:49:35

I've had three babies. Have two children. Also two pgs that reached second trimester and a lot of mc's in the first. I had the youngest at 39. I made a definite decision not to have another because I couldn't face another loss.

I'm in my late 50s now, youngest is 18. My only regret is not having another. We had the budget; I didn't have the courage.

What does your dh think?

Bythebeach Mon 31-Oct-16 18:53:54

I have 3 and sometimes still yearn for another. DC1 is 11.5, DC3 is 4. I'm 39 next birthday so was roughly in the position you're in now 4 years ago - but I'd only had one CS. We won't be having more however. I love mine so, so much but I feel stretched between the three of them as it is and at present we can afford all their hobbies and decent holidays. They have the benefit of each other too. I feel quite strongly that if I had more, I would worry they would lose out on parental attention, money for hobbies etc so that stops us and we feel so lucky to have three healthy kids, it also feels a bit tempting fate to try again at this much riskier age!

Bythebeach Mon 31-Oct-16 18:56:22

But I know the sadness you describe leaving the hospital, HV etc-I felt the same.

EwanWhosearmy Mon 31-Oct-16 19:00:50

I felt like you after all of ours, until the 5th. After she was born that all went away and I felt happy that that part of our life was over.

You've only just given birth so you are going to be feeling odd anyway, but if you continue to feel like it I would say you aren't done.

My last one was born when I was almost 44 and was my first c section. Her eldest sibling was 21 grin

ThirdTimeLuck Mon 31-Oct-16 19:01:09

I feel the same OP, Dc1 is 4 and DC2 is 1. I can't imagine not having another despite is not having enough room in the house or the car. I'm 34, DH is 38. I know we should be done but I'm just not. I don't think these feelings go away. No help, but I feel the same.

Suzietwo Mon 31-Oct-16 19:01:39

Because nothing will ever be like the first baby. You'll never have that time again with subsequent babies because each time there will be more and ore distractions. Because babyhood is fleeting and it's a helluva lot of work for 6 months of newborn ness. Because babies are hard work and put a strain on other parts of your life. Because babies become children who need even more input than babies. Because you can't be a 'new mum' forever. Because it's nice when jeans fit.

ghostspirit Mon 31-Oct-16 19:03:57

I have 6 kids I'm having no more as it really is enough. I have never had c sectionso though. My friend had 1virginal birth. And 4 sections she was fine.

Suzietwo Mon 31-Oct-16 19:05:20

I've had 4 too but it wasn't easy

AfroPunk Mon 31-Oct-16 19:13:18

I didn't have the easiest pg with my ds and I feel that my time was taken away from my other dcs. I feel my duty to them over-rides any future want for another baby; I don't think I want to be pg or give birth again but I know my brain and need to override any broodiness I might get!

I feel that I would have deeply regretted not ttc our ds (took me 2y to be brave enough to try as we had secondary infertility with our 2nd dc), but I am sad about no more babies rather than no more dcs, if that makes any sense? Things feel complete now as we are settling into life as a mini-large family.

Knowing he's the last is just so weird. Dh would ttc again if I wanted, but we are feeling the strain (not quite the right word, but sleepless nights and doing the school run are tough!) of a newborn more this time. In the future, we will have our eldest starting secondary school when your youngest starts nursery ... I really don't think we'll have a dc4.

I do like the idea of volunteering or even retraining, and may well look to working with newborns/ babies. That's a really nice idea smile

AfroPunk Mon 31-Oct-16 19:15:17

*Our youngest

Suzietwo Mon 31-Oct-16 19:21:00

Oh it's hard for sure. But it's a case of mind over matter and a dose of man up! Can you not tell I've been practising my lines?!

AfroPunk Mon 31-Oct-16 19:55:34

Ha, yes! I may well be that lady who has a tiny dog as my 'baby' ii years to come!

The time is passing much faster this time, too, and I'm already aware of how fast their first years pass. I'm making sure to enjoy every second with this little baby.

septembersunshine Sat 05-Nov-16 03:25:57

Op I have had 4 sections and have just had dc4. I5 can be done. I turned 37 just after he was born. We shut up shop after dc3 6 years ago but got broody and had one more. Family now feels complete and he is adored by my other three dc. I would just enjoy your little one and see how life pans out
You never know!

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