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Please help me put concerns of DC3 to rest.

(14 Posts)
sugarplumfairy28 Mon 01-Aug-16 18:30:29

I shall try and be to the point. We have 2 DC, currently DS 7 and DD 5. DH and I have discussed at length having a 3rd, DH is up for having a 3rd but says ultimately he will respect my decision whatever that may be. I have several worries, DD would be at least 6 and DS 8, is that too bigger age gap? Especially for room sharing purposes?

At present DS, is more than a handful, however after doing lots of reading and speaking to family, not only apparently it normal at his age, some of specific things he does are mirror images of either DH or BIL. I know this sounds terrible, but I keep thinking I'm not sure I could handle him all over again. I think I need reassurance that people have 2 DSs that are different, and there is hope, or enough of it, that I could be worrying over nothing obviously with it being a 50/50 to start with.

I do want to move on from the baby stage of my life, I want to start my own little business, and travel/holiday a bit with the children, but I'm just not ready to say 'no more children'. Additionally we now live in Germany, the school starting age is the August after they turn 6, although there is a year of compulsory Kindergarten (free) before they start, so just as I'm looking at both children being at school, I'm also looking at signing myself up for another 5 years of not being child free. I would really appreciate it if people could tell me how they can still pursue personal interests with just one little person around, and how they manage things like holidays.

Up until now I have been effectively bullied by my Mum (who lives in a flat under our house) to not have any more, and it has put a stop to it, when I realised she was bullying me, I kinda stood a stand and said to myself she won't control me and it is between me and DH, but to say she has filled my head with concerns is an understatement, but that explains the massive gap.

MrsBobDylan Wed 03-Aug-16 08:43:26

You are right not to let anyone affect your decision in this. It is for you and dh to decide. Personally I found going from 2-3 joyful, had one summer where I really struggled when he was very little, but after that it's been pretty smooth.

I have a 4 year gap between no 2 and 4 and I loved having a bigger gap as the older two were at school and I had chance to enjoy all those baby cuddles!

MrsBobDylan Wed 03-Aug-16 08:44:55

No2 and 3 that should say...no4 is still in the decision-making process at the moment!

DixieNormas Wed 03-Aug-16 09:32:49

I have 8 years between ds1 &2 and the same between 2&3. I found the big age gaps really easy. There's less than 2 years between 3&4 which was a struggle.

Ds2 is 13 and does share a room with ds 3&4, he's fine with it. He has a very small room basically cupboard with window! where his desk, Xbox etc lives so does have some space of his own.

All the boys are different, ds1 was challenging between 12-15, ds3 was hard work as a toddler. Ds4 is 3 and has asd but was very easy from birth-3 and I don't think I've had a moments stress with ds2 ever grin

sugarplumfairy28 Mon 08-Aug-16 16:01:38

Thanks ladies, I do feel a lot more confident that I'm possibly over thinking everything too much. I thought a bigger age gap would be nice in terms of the children helping out, and generally being a bit more interested and possibly a bit more accommodating in a younger sibling then DS was with DD (he was 2)

I am a bit of a dab hand at wood work and DIY and pinterest has given me lots of ideas on how to create separate spaces within one room if need be.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 08-Aug-16 16:04:35

I hated being so much younger than my siblings so from that point of view id say too big an age gap. It made me have my dc close together.

sugarplumfairy28 Mon 08-Aug-16 19:21:42

ThickandThin what was the age gap with you and your siblings?

Zippidydoodah Tue 09-Aug-16 09:16:11

I wouldn't want a big age gap with a third as I have experience of friends/family where the youngest has felt left behind and then rebelled when the older two moved out as young adults.

Do you really want another baby? As it doesn't really sound like you do? Sounds like some kind of rebellion against your mum?!

Of course, you could always have two more close together....winkgrin

orangepurpleblue Wed 10-Aug-16 05:05:34

Hello, I am 20 months into DC3 and I have to honestly say that it is much much tougher than I thought. I wasn't prepared for how much I really don't like the uneven and unbalanced nature in the family dynamic now. I of course love DC3 but wistfully think about life before, with only 2 DC to care for. Very selfish I know, and perhaps I'm having a bad day, but I think you are right to really think it through, obviously you can't give your DC back once they arrive, so you have to be sure.

I should add that I am still suffering from gender disappointment and am about to seek counselling for this.

I hope my honestly helps, I wish I could articulate this to someone in the real world!

Zippidydoodah Wed 10-Aug-16 09:22:19

Orange- flowers

sugarplumfairy28 Thu 11-Aug-16 16:39:27

I have many concerns, many of which have been put there by my Mum. Honestly I think she feels that she has lost control of her own life, and is somehow trying to make up for it by controlling others. I'm trying to figure out whether any of things put in my mind by Mum are justified or not.

I have one major underlying issue that is my demon to wrestle with. I actually have fairly big phobia of anything medical (including certain words, and concepts) and doctors. So getting and being pregnant for me was like torture, luckily both pregnancies were event and stress free. With both pregnancies I had an image of my child through them already having a name, and that gave me a lot of will power. Unfortunately I only had a girl name, which is another story in itself. When we found DC1 was a boy, I fell to pieces, I felt like I was in hell and felt like I was in a state of panic, because I couldn't 'see' why I was doing this. Somehow for me, there is a lot in a name. It wasn't until we came up with a name for DC1 that I could put him before me so to speak. DC2 was a girl and I felt calmer, although not totally at ease.

I'm not happy with just 2 children. I only have one brother, and I hated most of my childhood. My brother was most certainly not a typical big brother and upon my starting secondary school, my Dad, Uncle and (male) cousin (who was also starting the same secondary school) agreed that he would be my stand in big brother! I want my children to naturally develop sibling relationships, through choice and love, not because they have no alternative.

I'm not against 4! If I can assure myself that my Mum isn't right. That it's not selfish of me, not cruel to make children share rooms, that I might not get another DS the same as DS, and that I won't lose my identity.

24carrot Mon 05-Sep-16 18:03:01

I don't have personal experience but DH is one of 4 - his brother was 11 and DH and his twin were nearly 8 when the 4th was born. He is probably closest to the youngest than the others now, which is entirely down to personality and beyond your control! I strongly suspect the 4th of being my MIL's favourite - he is so easy-going and good natured and I think she loved having a baby all over again with the confidence she had gained from the others. As for sharing rooms, don't let that be a major deciding factor as it's a variable that can change in time as your circumstances change. I'm thinking about having a third and was worried about it being a bit of a squeeze but then thought if we find we can afford to move in a few years time and I'd never had the third, I know I'll be kicking myself.

Toocold Mon 05-Sep-16 18:09:20

There is a seven year age gap between me and my sister and we are close as adults, I think it is personality dependant not age. I am expecting dc3, there will be an 11 and 8 year gap from my eldest to this one, they have their own space and life so I guess that helps, they seem excited but we shall see!

yeOldeTrout Mon 05-Sep-16 18:17:18

You don't sound like a good candidate to have another, tbh. There's a tonne of anxiety in your post.

Phobia of things medical
getting pregnant is very stressful
unsupportive headache family
lack of household space
fears of losing identity
trying to repair own childhood by hoping to have children without the same difficult sibling relationship
difficulties with boy babies...?
terrified kid3 could turn out like your DS1: guess what, DC3 could be worse than your DS1

If I'm wrong, feel free to shout back.

Do you need to live with your mom? Maybe you could make more confident decisions without her pressuring presence.

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