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Honesty about gender desires

(32 Posts)
WalkingBlind Tue 19-Apr-16 08:27:24

What it says really. When you start to go 3+ did you have really specific desires for a certain gender? It's just I have 2, a girl then a boy. Everyone keeps saying "ooh one of each so lucky" but I'd be happy to have another baby.... If I knew they would be a girl confused

I have no idea at all why I feel this way and obviously I could never garuntee it. How did you feel about genders moving into a bigger family (especially if you already have both)? Obviously health is all that really matters, but let's face it sometimes you really really want a certain gender.

QueenMolotov Tue 19-Apr-16 10:14:18

I only decided to try for dc3 once I knew for sure that I did not have a gender preference; that I'd be happy with another dd (we have 2 wonderful dds). I went through a phase of particularly wanting a ds when thinking of ttc again, but I wouldn't have tried again if it was only a boy, rather than another child, I wanted. Does that make sense?

I am currently 18w pg with dc3 and can honestly say that I do not mind what sex the bay is smile

Tsotofamily Tue 19-Apr-16 13:28:13

When I tried for dc3 I already had a girl and a boy. I was happy either way and to be honest didn't really think about the gender. I'm now expecting Dc4 and to be honest wasn't fussed on the gender again either, it would have been nice to even this out for my son and have another boy, but it hasn't worked that way as I'm having another girl smile as long as baby is healthy that's my main concern

Afreshstartplease Tue 19-Apr-16 13:32:15

My first was a boy. I had secretly wished for a girl.

My second another boy, not to secretly wished for a girl

My third was a girl!

Find out gender of number4 in two weeks and I'm not that fussed I just want to know!

ANewIdentitytoJazzItUpABit Tue 19-Apr-16 13:38:41

I dont see anything wrong with a trivial level of gender preference as that goes out the window once baby arrives and you've bonded and acquainted yourselves with each other smile
I recently had DC3 - a girl. Already had one of each but did lean more towards wanting a boy (funny because my boy was a hard baby to care for, utterly lovely in every way but was extremely difficult and whiney) and yet I wanted another for no real and specific reason. Little baby girl is here and I wouldn't want it any other way smile shes awsome!
I want one more in the future and id like a boy to even out the 'team' but of course I'll be pleased with whatever I get smile

RNBrie Tue 19-Apr-16 13:41:59

I'm pregnant with Dd3 and I was disappointed when I found out I was having another girl. Not because I mind having a third daughter but because it means I'll never have a son, this is definitely our last baby.

I am really looking forward to having her and her sisters are extremely excited to be getting another sister. I think I'll always be a bit sad that I never had a son.

BeauticianNotMagician81 Tue 19-Apr-16 14:10:52

I'm pregnant with ds4. I'm a little sad that I will never have a girl. I've nothing to compare bringing up boys and girls so I just wanted to see what it would be like. DH is having a vasectomy once the baby is here. I do love having my brood of boys though. They are all very different but have all been good baby's. The toddler years are hard but ds1 11 and ds2 9 are so loving and they are really great with ds3 2.

insan1tyscartching Tue 19-Apr-16 14:17:19

I wanted boys, my first three were boys (lost the third one at 21 weeks) I was glad then that my next baby was a girl, I then had another boy and another girl. I'd say after my first two boys I didn't really have a preference tbh. Nowadays I'm really glad I've got a mix of genders tbh.

LaContessaDiPlump Tue 19-Apr-16 14:23:51

No larger family here but I sympathise with wanting a particular gender. I decided to find out at 20 week scans both times so my first response to new baby wasn't 'Oh'. I found 20 weeks was perfectly sufficient to get over myself and welcome the new baby boys both times with genuine happiness and no disappointment at all.

I have a friend who convinced herself that she was having another boy and was surprised at birth with her DD. Sounds trivial but 3 years on she's still struggling with how disappointed she was, it has had a proper impact on her emotionally. Obviously she'd never say it to her DD but she can't help her feelings.

I think the prevalence of gender disappointment should be acknowledged a bit more and people shouldn't be made to feel shit for feeling it; how will they have a hope of getting past it if they keep having to pretend? It's similar to depression in that way IMO.

WalkingBlind Tue 19-Apr-16 19:02:14

QueenMolotov That makes perfect sense, it's the reason I'm holding back on having anymore. When I had DS I didn't mind at all what the gender would be as I've always planned on a big family but for some reason I now have it in my head I really want another DD and think I need to make sure I'll be 100% ok with any outcome before having anymore

WalkingBlind Tue 19-Apr-16 19:08:49

I'm with you all that I would be happy and grateful with any healthy baby.

For some reason in my head I'm not thinking "I want another baby", I'm thinking "wouldn't it be nice to have another girl". Which is probably the wrong mindset to be in, hopefully if I wait a year or so (when DS starts school likely) then I'll be more open to either gender

NellWilsonsWhiteHair Tue 19-Apr-16 19:13:35

When I had DC1, I was pretty sure I was only having one child so this would be my last. I very much wanted a girl. I had only imagined myself having a daughter. (As has been said already, I did make sure I was happy to have a boy child too before I actually started TTC - but I still didn't really think it would happen.)

I didn't. (Found out at 20wk scan not birth.)

I was disappointed then. It really really didn't last long.

Now, I'm fairly certain I would love another child - and I honestly don't care which sex.

MarshaMallow84 Mon 25-Apr-16 20:10:39

I'm glad others have said they have one of each and still have a sneaking gender preference for the third. We're currently in the should we/shouldn't we phase but everytime I think of number 3 I think of another girl. I always think how lovely it would be for DD to have a sister. I have no idea where that's coming from. DS is a sweetheart and was an angelic baby but it's another little girl that I really want blush

WalkingBlind Tue 26-Apr-16 10:08:36

Marsha Those are the exact feelings I'm having at the minute. I don't know why I really want a sister for DD and my DS is an angel, but for some reason I've got having another girl stuck in my head

LemonBreeland Tue 26-Apr-16 10:13:07

I'm the same as QueenMolotov. I didn't decide to have DC3 until I was certain I wouldn't mind a third boy, in my case. In fact I was thinking I would probably have a boy, and found it hard to compute that I was now going to have a DD.

I couldn't have allowed myself to have a third if there had been any thought that I may have felt the tiniest smidge of disappointment at birth.

NAR4 Tue 26-Apr-16 14:15:46

I had 3 boys, then a girl. The girl came as quite a shock as I had kind of assumed I would have another boy. Quite happy either way though. Did have a slight preference for my 5th to be a girl, to keep my only daughter company (I know totally daft idea). It wasn't to be and I had another boy. Don't mind at all though. I think it was peoples assumption that I would want an even number of both genders that put the idea in my head. I have 11 yrs between my 3 and 4th child, so pictured my 3 older boys together and my 2 little girls together. It has worked out just as lovely as it is and I am now slightly grateful it was a boy again, as personally I find my daughter more difficult than any of the boys.

Needmorechocolate Thu 28-Apr-16 13:02:41

I have 4Dc, all boys. I'd be lying if i said that I havent wondered what it would be like to have a girl but I love my boys and wouldnt change them for the world.

I did feel a pang of sadness after DS 4 was born (i posted on here about it) but it wasn't because I didn't want/love him but because I was sad that I wouldn't ever have a daughter.

I think a desire for one gender or another is probably quite a common thing but unfortunately people feel they can't talk about it much because it is a topic that often gets negative responses.

Iwonderif Fri 29-Apr-16 19:01:17

I've had 3 children.

My first DS died very unexpectedly after birth.

Was relieved to find out with DC2 that baby was a girl. So soon after losing my son I wasn't ready to have a boy. For me it was a personal issue and was very relieved at 20 weeks to find out a girl was on the way.

DC3 was a boy. Delighted and overjoyed. Felt the need to see a son grow and to not simply give birth to a son.

Toying with DC4. My daughter I know would love a sister (not discussed baby number 4 with children as far too young) as out of 7 grandchildren she's the only girl! Shes also the eldest and now is starting to feel left out slightly.

If DC 4 does arrive one day I honestly do not care whether team blue or pink. Whether this be because I've experienced losing a child and as long as they are healthy I don't care kind of thought I don't know. Or is it because I have one of each (here at home) so it's easier for me to think this way?

My lovely cousin has 5 boys. Gave up at number 5 as she felt she was destined for all boys.

Best friend is one of 6 girls.

Who knows!?!

Chrysanthemum5 Fri 29-Apr-16 19:16:58

I only have two (a boy and a girl) but when we were thinking about DC2 my DH wouldn't agree to ttc until I was certain I didn't mind if the baby was a boy or a girl. He felt (quite rightly) that any new life was amazing and he didn't want that 'tainted' by upset over the sex.

dolkapots Wed 01-Jun-16 18:55:16

I have a boy and 4 girls. Definitely not thinking of anymore I'm wrecked but if it were to happen I probably would veer towards a girl. Really wouldn't mind a boy though. I didn't bond with ds at birth but did with the dd's so sub-consciously this may affect my thinking. I think it was because he was the first and I was in shock rather than his gender.

I'm not a pink person, nor are any of my dd's but I would never tire of girl's clothes.

Twopots Wed 01-Jun-16 20:57:55

My first was a DS didn't find out sex but thought it would be a boy, second found out during scan that it was another boy - was gutted for a whole day 😳, had lost 5 babies early on by this stage so convinced myself it's because I couldn't carry girls, lost two more babies then had a scan asked if I wanted to find out - told her it was a boy as couldn't carry girls - but no it was a girl -argued with the sonographer and then was gutted again as was wanting 3 boys ha ha (you can't please some people!) once my babies arrived though I was smitten and wouldn't change a thing 😘😘😘👦🏼👦🏼👧🏼

isitseptemberyet Wed 17-Aug-16 20:18:49

dolkapots i can relate so strongly to what you wrote.. I didn't bond with my first baby (a son) for such a very long time. Like you i was young,
i have had three girls since and the love and bond i felt with them that first night and forever after has been Amazing. I also felt relief at their gender scans knowing they were not boys.. Obviously i know in my heart of hearts that my sons gender had nothing to do with the post natal depression i experienced with him, but i still get very upset even talking about those first years with him. His newborn photos (on the very rare occasion that i look at them) make me heart -sick.

I am now pregnant with my fifth- a boy. I hope i wont be judged for saying it, but ive felt a lot of anxiety during the pregnancy. My children all look Very similar, i guess im scared this one will come out the spit of his brother and it will trigger something. I can rationalise that even writing that sounds ridiculous, but in the dead of night i worry and worry.

roundthegardenlikeateddybear Thu 18-Aug-16 07:19:06

Yes, I do absolutely understand what you are saying and I have been in your situation (one of each) and my third was a boy. He is now 23 months old, beautiful, healthy, but I am still struggling with the fact that he wasn't the girl, and sister I so desperately wanted for my DD. I guess you have to be ready to accept either sex when you go for a third. Some days I actually wish we had just left it at two, because now it is very very hard, much noisier and a lot more fighting...and I still long for a sister for my DD, which of course will never be. Sorry, my post is negative but I was in your position a couple of years ago and wanted to be honest.

MrsMargeSimpson Thu 18-Aug-16 07:28:43

I have 4, 3 DS and 1 DD. I'm not having more, but we've always said we only ever wanted the one girl and would actively want a boy if an accident were to occur!

Afreshstartplease Thu 18-Aug-16 09:07:08

Number 4 is a boy!

So three boys and a girl who is a tomboy

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