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To be or not to be.

(15 Posts)
sugarplumfairy28 Thu 14-Jan-16 20:26:54

We have two children, DS is 6 (7 next week) and DD is 5 in April. We have always said we would like to have 3 children in total. We also said number 3 after DS starts school. Neither of our children have been planned planned, both wanted and the result of not being strictly careful, aka a few missed pills. The idea (no offence) of putting a label on it and saying we're trying makes the whole thing feel a bit clinical to me (I have a phobia of anything medical).

Having said that, since DS has started school there has always been a reason as to why not now, first off we emigrated in July 2014, adjusting, hubby being out of work (not is fault I might add) not to mention the snide remarks I get from my mother (who lives in a flat under house) about we better not have any more.

My concerns are, that there will be too bigger age gap, that one of the children will have to share their bedroom (even for a short period while we do some work on the house), that having one of each we risk making one or even both feel isolated.

Looking for any words of wisdom.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Thu 14-Jan-16 21:03:26

Babies are expensive. So you want another one or just think you should because you thought about it 5 years ago?

babyblabber Fri 15-Jan-16 09:57:24

None of your concerns are a good enough reason not to have a baby if you really want one. So you have to decide, do you want one coz that was the plan or do you really want one?

uhoh2016 Fri 15-Jan-16 15:19:13

Mine are 8 5 and 10mo, I think it was easier this time as the older 2 are at school and I was more confident in parenting a newborn etc.
The older 2 have to share but they don't mind and they adore their baby brother. It also means they can help out by getting nappies wipes or entertaining him for 5 mins if I need to do something.
I also got the "don't have any more " speech from my mum to but she quickly came round to the idea and now dotes on him probably more than she did with the older 2
I wouldn't say we had to stop or change anything as a family dc3 just slotted in with what we already did.
Based on my own experience I'd say go for it. Good luck

sugarplumfairy28 Fri 15-Jan-16 17:04:00

I think the problem is my mother lol. She lives downstairs and to be honest she thinks she is the queen of everything, all I have had for nearly 5 years is constant small lectures as to why I can't have 3 and with no-one else around saying anything to the contrary I feel like I have been brainwashed.

I keep being told I just want something to fuss, so I feel that now that we have 2 dogs, 10 cats, a fish tank and a bearded dragon it's more than that (although the ages of the animals range from 10 years to 6 months) and this deep rooted feeling is still there, it's not just wanting to fuss. Just as a side note I have a degree in animal management and none of my animals are neglected nor would they ever be.

Mum has told me I'd 'grow' out of it, but again 5 years on and I see friends having their children and I can't help but cry because I feel that I have lost a child I've never even had.

Mum told me I'd be being cruel and selfish to make one of the children share a bedroom, and she would know because she was one of 4 girls and I only have a brother.

That I simply wouldn't do it because I have this medical phobia and home births are not as straight forward here, and the language barrier. Plus lot's of other things she comes up with.

Despite all of that, I still have this dream of 3 children. Hubby is up for it, and is getting angry at how much my mum thinks she has a say. He has a brother who is 4 years older, and they have shared a bedroom and are still very close, even though we don't live in the same country anymore, in fact we lived with him when we only had DS.

I guess I just need some reassurance that my mother is just being unreasonably interfering and I'm not acting like a child.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 15-Jan-16 17:45:37

Well - go for it - sharing a room used to be normal (even beds) budge up and make room!! Hell you may even get twins!!

Your mother is not in charge, you are, she'll get over it!

uhoh2016 Fri 15-Jan-16 17:50:47

It's none of your Mums business!! My Mum was disappointed when I 1st told her (I've no idea why tho I've been with DH 15 years have a house and both work!hmm) like I said before she soon came round.
If it's what you and dh both want your mums opinion should not come into it

ButEmilylovedhim Fri 15-Jan-16 18:21:37

I've had a glass of wine so this might be blunter than usual for me, but does your mother have to live with you?

juneau Fri 15-Jan-16 18:25:05

If you want a third DC and can afford it go ahead. And while you're at it tell your busy-body of a DM that its not of her business. She chose to have two - good for her - but you can choose to have three if that's what you and your DH want. Why the hell is she living in your basement anyway?

ButEmilylovedhim Fri 15-Jan-16 18:26:04

A decision about family size should be the parents' to make; not a grandmother. I could not take that level of interference, I would go batty. More batty.

sugarplumfairy28 Fri 15-Jan-16 18:38:13

Our situation is a little odd by English standards, we live in what is called a two generation house, they have an almost self contained flat on the ground floor, and we have the 1st floor and the 2nd floor (the 2nd floor is still a work in progress, so we're just on the 1st floor atm) we share a front door, and my house isn't entirely sectioned off yet, so there is a lot of cross over. The house is my inheritance, but obviously my parents are still around, we are paying the bills and paying for all the work to be done, but it's still their house.

I really do feel that she has brainwashed me, or has at least tried, and with no-one else to talk to, it's made me question what it is I'm doing. With something as life changing as children, even though I know what I want, she has made enough of an impact on my thought process that I just need to hear an unbiased opinion.

juneau Fri 15-Jan-16 18:49:14

My DM and MIL were similarly vocally against us having a third. We wanted two, but I can assure you that if we'd wanted three it wouldn't have stopped us.

sugarplumfairy28 Fri 15-Jan-16 18:52:51

Just to add to that, before we made this move, I really truly believed that I had a much more equal relationship with my mum and this has all developed into this destructive force over the last 18 months. This is all mum too and not my Dad who can see the strain and is trying to reassure me that everything will be OK, but he lives in a much simpler world to anyone else.

Even though this house would be our dream house when finished and any decisive action we take will result in no inheritance, DH and I are looking for a way out of the house. We actually live in a small village, so property is scarce, the line we will not cross is moving DS to a new school, his school serves 5 villages so that is our area, but property is still in short supply. So it might take a while.

hawkmcqueen Fri 15-Jan-16 20:54:10

At the end of the day, at the very end, all we have is family, somebody to hold your hand, a creation of love. So it is nit cruel to create more love in a slightly bigger family. I have 3 and it is much better than 2 as it stops the older two just focussing on each other and fighting. Having a little sister has brought out such kindness and patience and love in DD1 it is amazing.

I know families with 4 bedrooms but still have all the kids in one room! So they can develop a close bond and for company.

Three is the magic number, go for it, it sounds like you will regret it if you don't.

babyblabber Sat 16-Jan-16 16:09:34

Ok it's clear now that to really want another baby. Forget what your mum says, just do it. You have a tough living situation there so you need to learn to stand your ground and create an (imaginary) boundary line in terms of what if your extended family business and your own (you, hubby, kids) family business.

I shared a bedroom til we moved when I was 13 (with both my brother and sister at one stage) and even though we have 3 kids and 4 bedrooms DS and DD share a room, I think it's lovely for kids to share. A positive thing, not a bad thing at all!

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