Advanced search

Can I really have another or am I kidding myself?

(17 Posts)
Havetobecrazytolivehere Wed 12-Aug-15 16:01:23

Hi, i am a 35 yr old mother of 3; dd1 6, ds 4 and dd2 17mths.

When dd1 came along I wasn't sure about being a mom but had always said I wanted 3 children and my DH has always agreed no more than 3.
I have really loved becoming a mom and am so much happier in my life, so much so that I left my job and became a childminder after my second so I could be at home with them (or I had already reached crazy by that point).
We debated over #3 for ages but as it turned out I was already pregnant before we made up our minds. Still I knew she was going to be my last, right up to the point I gave birth! I have been wanting number 4 since the day she was born and have been hoping the feelings might go away over time but they haven't and I'm now at the point where I can't stop thinking about it.

My husband is an engineer and earn 39k a year (with car allowance, it's about 36k without). I don't make much as a CM as it depends how busy I am but can be £500 - £1000 per month. We already live in a 4 bedroomed house and are thinking about a loft conversion as we have some savings but will need a bigger car.
So why am I so worried? I don't know anyone with 4 so have no idea how much it might cost especially as they get older, will it be too much for me? Will it financially cripple us, or will my kids have to go without as they get older? Once they are all in school I will be doing teacher training but that won't be for some time.

DH was a bit shocked when I told him, he is happy with 3 but won't have the snip either. He has said he will think about it, but suspect he will agree.
Sorry this is so long. Can anyone help? I really don't know if this is a stupid idea and not sure how to weigh up money, pros/cons etc. think I will regret it if I don't have number 4 but worried I am being selfish and not putting my family first. I feel so lucky to have my children and to get so much time with them (obs my house is a crazy, noisy, sticky child filled bin of plastic toys and I am knackered but can't imagine it any other way!). confused

LizzieLou3 Wed 12-Aug-15 18:24:40

Fwiw I definitely think you should go for it. You know you won't regret it! If you wait a couple of years though you can extend the early child years a bit longer. We've just had a surprise third with quite a gap and I love that we'll now be in this wonderful stage for so much longer.

notascooby007 Wed 12-Aug-15 22:48:06

I'd go for it, you don't need to extend into the loft at all your dc are fairly close in age 2 of them could share. You may need a bigger car though!

I'd love dc4 but I've got 3 dc and only 2 bedrooms with no possible way of moving or extending to dc4 is definitely a none starter for me.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Wed 12-Aug-15 23:01:21

I too say go for it! I have 4dcs, and yes, it's bloody hectic! I keep tins for birthdays, Christmas, uniforms, excursions etc, but we live in Australia, where everything is expensive. We live in a 4 bed house, but as all four are boys, they share 2+2, and we still manage to have a spare room for guests (which, tbf we do need). Once the expense of a bigger car was made (we went the whole hog and got an 8 seater, as before my bc dx we weren't sure we were finished), everything is just a case of good budgeting and planning.

I'm not saying it's easy - with a dh who can regularly work in another state mon-fri, it can be s challenge, but we wouldn't have it any other way.

I plan to go back into the police force in 2-3yrs when they're all at school and at that point we might look into a nanny, but until then I'll sah.

What I suppose I'm saying is, I've never regretted having four, but would definitely have regretted stopping at three. smile

Havetobecrazytolivehere Thu 13-Aug-15 10:33:55

Thanks for the positive replies. I thought you would tell me I am being reckless and stupid!
I am a bit worried about the financial side and the logistics as they get older, the older two are already starting to squabble more so can't imagine full on teens. Can anyone tell me what it's like with 4 once they get older?

I would like a small gap LizzieLou3 as I had a large gap myself as the last of 4 and always felt very lonely and in the way, although I did enjoy annoying my older siblings! I am hoping to start ttc by the end of this year if DH agrees so there will only be a 2-3 yr gap at most.
Any advice on how I go about estimating costs or if anyone thinks we can manage on the money we have? we live in Milton Keynes so no where near a expensive as London, I spend £300 a month on food at the moment but have heard teenagers eat a colossal amount. I already budget and save for Uniform, holidays, Xmas and birthdays but imagine there will be many more expenses as they get older.

ConfusedInBath Fri 14-Aug-15 10:07:44

Think long term not just when they're tiny. 4 teenagers to feed, clothe, hobbies, pocket money, FOOD etc etc.

Havetobecrazytolivehere Sat 15-Aug-15 00:51:14

OMG he said yes! DH has agreed, said he was not that bothered about having a fourth but does really love having children. He is a bit worried about whether we could cope so wants to wait 6mths to a year before trying.

I wasn't sure that he would actually agree as our 3rd only started sleeping through a few months ago so I have been really tired, had to take a longer break from CM than planned as couldn't keep up with everything.

My head is spinning now. Time to sit down and start working out the finances before we commit to ttc. DH thinks we will be skint forever with 4. I know surviving on one salary is tough but will work all I can over the next five years and once I begin work as a teacher I should be on a good salary. Won't I? Should we go for it or are we being led by our hearts (again)?

Havetobecrazytolivehere Tue 06-Oct-15 00:33:51

After all that DH has changed his mind now.
I feel a bit gutted as I had thought we were definitely going to start ttc next year.
I did want to start now though as I didn't want a big gap, maybe I just badgered him too much. I told him I will never stop wanting another but what can I do?

It's my birthday today sad

Zippidydoodah Tue 06-Oct-15 10:31:05

Happy birthday! flowers

We are debating a fourth too. one thing I will say is that I've just quit my job as a teacher as I just couldn't fit it all in with three children. It's only since I've quit that we've started considering number 4.

antimatter Tue 06-Oct-15 10:55:48

I am looking from a different perspective as my kids are 18 and 16. Early years are not very expensive. It gets more expensive when they are 8+ and want to do after school activities. Coordinating them and paying even with 2 kids got harder as I become a single parent. You won't be able to do any childminding if you want to take kids anywhere weekdays. You have 2 cars so weekends are going to be easier.

babyblabber Tue 06-Oct-15 19:45:38

I'm having the same dilemma, have been obsessing about whether to have another for months. In the last couple of weeks though I'm coming around to the idea of not having any more and staying as a family of five.

The idea of never having another baby breaks my heart to be honest but I think 4 kids might be too much for us. Mine are nearly 6, 3 & 9 months and with only one in school I already feel very stretched. I find it so hard to give him my full focus for just 15 minutes while he gets his homework done, i can't imagine what it'll be like with 3 let alone 4! Weekends are busy with his swimming class & birthday parties, again that's going to be multiplied. I also find I'm always telling someone to wait a minute while I finish something for one of the others/housework.

If I was loaded & could afford some part time help to do school runs or hang up the washing for me or mind the a kid or two while I go to activities with another/others then I would love another but I'm beginning to realise (reluctantly!) that there isn't enough of me to go around and they each want my attention/time so much (playing with each other only fun for short periods it seems!) I feel it'd be unfair to divide it even further.

Havetobecrazytolivehere Sun 08-Nov-15 11:53:35

Well the inevitable has happened.

On the day after my birthday DH changed his mind again and said that he didn't really want any more but that he knew it was important to me and I could come off my pill.
I have fallen pregnant straight away and have told him the news this morning. He didn't take it very well and now I am a bit worried I have ruined everything. He always enjoys the ttc bit but not the reality of what will happen. He is a good man though and I hate to think this has made him unhappy.
I am already 4-5 weeks pregnant according to the test and have terrible morning sickness (I always do).
Feel a bit stupid and a bit sad that I can't be excited about this!

rach2713 Wed 11-Nov-15 22:24:01

My husband is the same I would love a 3rd and have done ever since my daughter was born (she turns 3 in December) one day he wants and then another he doesn't he's scared for when they get ill as we had a bad time with daughter when she was 6 months old and put him off. But got a shock tonight when he sat down with out me saying anything about babies and said he would like us to ttc in June or july so they baby would be born in the spring time which I was happy means I can save for the pram I really wanted to get lol

CanIKondo Thu 12-Nov-15 00:14:01

Hope you're feeling better OP and your DH is coming back round to the idea. flowers

Havetobecrazytolivehere Thu 12-Nov-15 06:56:04

Hi thanks for the support. Yes I am just getting by day by day at the moment trying not too worry about things. Bit hard having no one else to talk to but way too early to tell anyone else. DH has started talking about getting on with the loft conversion and we have looked at a few cars. We are going to use all our savings on the loft so will have to get the car on finance which is a bit of a shame as we haven't had any credit for 8 yrs.

I know I really want this baby so will get too feel excited soon, just worried about the bigger picture. Sometimes wonder how I will cope with so many young children.
That's lovely news rach, good luck with the ttc smile

Havetobecrazytolivehere Thu 17-Dec-15 12:00:05

Just wanted to let you all know that I had an mc a few weeks ago so am back in the same dilemma of whether to ttc again or stay as I am. At the moment I am just trying to come to terms with it, I never managed to figure out if it was a good idea or not as I guess it's one of those things you can't know until you do it. Thanks for your support I realise I am very lucky to have 3dcs already.

AliBingo Fri 18-Dec-15 06:05:55

Sorry to hear about your mc sad I'm the same, have 3 and now so broody for a 4th but not sure would be sensible with house, car, cost, time etc and DH not keen. Wish the broodiness would go away so I can appreciate and enjoy what I've got.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: