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Unplanned third, depressed, help :(

(20 Posts)
Lou280 Mon 27-Jul-15 19:06:01

I am 22 weeks pregnant with number 3, suffering with severe antenatal depression/anxiety, and really devastated at the idea if another baby. I desperately need some encouragement that I can cope. My two will be 7.5 and nearly 4 when the third is due, and I feel the age difference is awful and we're going way back to the baby phase and will never be able to do things all together as a family. All the families I know are done having babies and I feel completely alone and isolated. I did consider termination (sorry, don't want to offend), but did not go through with it. I really feel like my family is going to be odd and disjointed due to the age gaps and I'm struggling to find anything positive. I really do not enjoy the newborn phase and I'm terrible with sleep deprivation. I know some of this is down to the depression, but I'm just really hoping someone has something positive they can help me see.

GatherlyGal Mon 27-Jul-15 19:12:13

Don't worry about the age gaps - will be similar between 2nd and 3rd as you have between 1st and 2nd. Having 3 kids is fab and no 3 will just fit in around your already busy lives.
Our 3rd is so chilled and easy going - she didn't have a choice reallygrin
It really is easier 3rd time around you and baby will likely be much more relaxed as you know what's coming.
It's daunting but lovely for the DCs to be in a big family.

littlegemsem Tue 28-Jul-15 16:32:58

I have 23yr old and 18 yr old stepsons, 16yr old and 13yr old daughters and 2 yr old twin boys! The twins was an unplanned pregnancy but it has worked out and we all adore them. It can be hard trying to meet everyone's needs but I think this is more in my head and the older kids are fine.
I found that the fact that you have older kids helps you through the tough parts with a baby (babies for us). You know it's just a phase and that in a blink of an eye you'll be waving them off through the school gates. x

YoungJoseph Tue 28-Jul-15 20:09:33

I was in your situation 6 years ago, I was dreading it esp as I have such, such miserable, clingy babies. It was tough I can't deny it BUT I managed and here we are 6 years later and although I miss the idea of being a 2 child family (same as ALL my friends with DCs the same age) I'm quietly pleased that we still have a small child in the house.

Take each day as it comes, pace yourself and your days, be kind to yourself and remember that DCs 1 and 2 will love DC3 and it will all seem normal to them.

DC2 and 3 are particularly close, being the same sex helps I think.

I also considered a termination glad I didn't as I would have felt very guilty for ever after. Did get sterilized though, was definitely NOT going through it all again smile

JaniceJoplin Wed 29-Jul-15 11:50:17

I'm in the same situation, albeit with a nearly 5 and 2.5 yr old. I'm devastated. I tried to arrange an abortion but the private clinics refused to treat me due to a minor medical issue and the waiting list with the NHS would have meant I would have been 11-12 weeks. I couldn't do it but I don't want this baby. I have only just got rid of nappies, bottles, sleepless nights and I have no family support except my DH who is gone from 7-7 at least. We live in a 2 bed house that needs massive renovation which we can't yet afford. I think I'm going to have to put this baby in a nursery and go back to work. I havnt worked in 5 years and have no idea how I will get back in the game. It's all absolutely tragic I honestly think it's the worse thing that has ever happened. I don't know what is going to make me feel better. I'm dreading telling people.

workingonitagain Wed 29-Jul-15 20:18:58

Lou and Janice im really sorry that you are going through difficult times! I think it's awful that nhs doesn't offer more support to women in need!
I think once the baby is here and you see your other dc interact with him/her it will melt your heart and definitely change how you feel.
There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel even tho it seems very dark now.
I would contact a hv and see if they can offer you any support!

Lucaslovesfelicity Thu 30-Jul-15 20:44:16

So sorry you are feeling this way OP flowers. I have just had my 3rd and have got similar age gaps to you . DS 8, DD1 4. I've got to say DD2 has fitted in perfectly and it feels so much more easier than when I had my other 2. I suffer with terrible anxiety and OCD but have found that I am so much more chilled about things with my 3rd. Having a 3rd has been such a joy to us and I have found my other two absolutely dote on their baby sister.

lexyloub Sat 01-Aug-15 20:34:25

I've got a similar gap to you I find dc3 the easiest out the lot. We didn't stop doing anything we did before we just take dc3 along with us. It's easier because the older 2 are at school in the day they love their baby brother and dote on him he's just kind of slotted into the routine we already had.

BurnstonesBabies Thu 06-Aug-15 23:25:38

My dd3 was planned, but I panicked about some of the same stuff too - but none of it matters when baby arrives. Promise! Our dd3 is adored by my 7 and 5 year old and she worships them. Life is full on and fun and not much has changed since she came along. Having a baby, now 1, in the hhouse has been brilliant and remember, you know what you're doing now and that rubs off on them and makes for a happy baby. Enjoy the ride :-)

florentina1 Fri 07-Aug-15 08:48:44

My children were 9 and 7 when I got pregnant. I had just returned to work and felt rather like you.

I know not everyone's experience is the same, but No 3 changed our lives for the better In so many ways. The older two loved him from the start. I don't know what it is with the dynamics of 3 but the other 2 stopped Bickering so much.

They are all middle aged now but incredibly close and supportive of each other in ways that I never could have envisaged.

I hope this turns out as positive for you as it did for us

SueGeneris Fri 07-Aug-15 09:01:03

I have similar age gaps - dc3 born when.the others were nearly 7 and nearly 5.

DC3 is a little joy. He has brought so much happiness and smiles and laughter. The older two adore him and think he is totally wonderful. It's actually been a lovely thing for them to experience having a baby sibling.

And as PP said, we haven't changed a lot - he just comes along too.

Also, time goes more quickly with each baby so the unpredictable newborn phase flew by.

Try and think long term? Ie when they are all much older and there are more people in your life that you created and love.

Sounds hard what you are going through mentally. I hope the above doesn't sound too simplistic. Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy too.

Grannyapple Sat 08-Aug-15 08:43:37

I have 3...no 3 was very much unplanned, i cried for 2 days when I found out I was pg & no 2 was just 6 months at the time! But he's just slotted right in, older 2 adore him & now he's 9 months & on the move, it makes life certainly interesting as does having 3 under 5 but wouldn't change it for the world. He's the most chilled, relaxed baby ever, probably cos he has to be! Hope it all works out for you x

dementedma Sat 08-Aug-15 08:50:07

Our dc3 also unplanned. Dc1 was 12 and Dc2 was 10 so a huge shock to the system and our two bedroom flat!
It was difficult, I can't say otherwise, but we have survived, still in the two bedroom flat and things are easier now the older two are away a lot and dc3 is 13.

Foxinsox2 Mon 10-Aug-15 22:51:14

Argh. Recently found out I'm pregnant with third child - it wasn't planned and my husband and I are still in shock. I'm nearly ten weeks gone. We have a seven year old and four year old and were really happy with the family dynamic and hadn't planned more kids. DH says he doesn't want a third and is worrying how we cope financially/emotionally etc but my view is, while not what we intended, we should try to view it as a blessing. I'm sure my older kids would be delighted and we may struggle in ways but of course once the baby has arrived, we will all be delighted but I'm just not sure what to do, especially as my husband is so negative about it. I really don't want to go through with it all without his support. Can any mums of three give me any reassurance. Is it so much harder than two? Will we cope?!

Foxinsox2 Mon 10-Aug-15 22:54:23

So sorry you are feeling like this @Lou280 - I can totally empathise as I'm feeling much the same. Have any of the responses so far reassured you? My biggest problem is my husband being so anti the idea.

Lou280 Tue 18-Aug-15 01:34:39

Thanks everyone, for your kind replies. It really does help me to hear stories of similar situations that have worked out. Foxinsox, I'm sorry you're struggling with this as well. It sounds like we are in similar situations - maybe we can support each other? Has your husband come around at all?

I'm still having a lot of anxiety and I go through periods of wondering how in the world I will ever cope. Things were just starting to get a bit easier and now I feel thrust back into the sleepless nights, breast feeding, toddler tantrums, etc. (although my three year old threw a giant tantrum just tonight!). However, I am really, really trying to embrace this as our last child and looking for the positives however I can. It is to be our third little boy, so although I feel some disappointment at never having a daughter, I am hoping they will have close relationships and it will make for a good dynamic. If anyone else has words of encouragement or experience, I welcome them! I still wake up is disbelief most mornings!

Tillytoes14 Mon 31-Aug-15 00:17:41

We have three children, youngest is newborn. DC3 was also unplanned, I fell pregnant with a coil, so it was a huge shock to us both. I went through so many emotions when I finally came to terms with it, I was in denial for a good few weeks, my husband had always said he didn't want anymore children. I didn't know how I would cope, we also don't have family support, so it is just me and my husband. I also was due to go back to work, as our youngest is starting school and it's held up our plans to buy, but, our baby daughter is just wonderful, our older children adore her and she's very calm and relaxed, so has made our life that much easier, she has fitted in perfectly, life really doesn't seem any harder than it did before. A sling/carrier is a good idea, asking the older ones to help with small tasks etc, my husband cooks most evenings, when he gets home from work, so that helps too, as normally I'm feeding around that time. Don't expect too much of yourself, my house is far from tidy at the moment, but that's not important. I'm sure things will work out just fine and you will love and enjoy your little bundle of joy, when they arrive.

franksidebottom Fri 04-Sep-15 21:38:58

My 3rd dd (16 weeks) was a surprise, i wasnt happy about it as my other dds were 7 and 13 when she was born. I also thought I was done and dusted a long time ago, and was enjoying life out of the baby stage, but I couldn't be happier now. Me and dp adore her as do our other kids. Dd3 just comes along with us to whatever we're doing and i make sure both Dd1 and 2 have one on one time with either me or dp as well as much as is possible. We don't have any family support either and I think we do a bloody good job. My practical tips, don't aim high, prioritise housework. For me I like my downstairs to be tidy, upstairs isn't as important and gets done when I can, good storage for easy tidying up, get clothes ready the night before, etc. I am useless with no sleep but luckily Dd3 sleeps through most nights. Good luck xx

One4theroad Thu 29-Oct-15 22:54:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

workingonitagain Fri 06-Nov-15 14:03:46

One4theroad im sorry you are going through difficult times but if the thought of you possibly wanting another baby later on, i would definitely think you would regret having an abortion now.even tho it might be difficult for a bit

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