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want a 4th but husband does not

(16 Posts)
skiptatheloo Thu 30-Jan-14 22:11:53

what would you do?

we have 3 children aged 2, 4 & 5. I would like another, not necessarily right now, but would like to get pregnant in a year or so. my husband is done, his reasons being that he would like more 'adult' time (our life currently revolves around the kids), the cost (potential school/uni fees - we live in central london and the local state secondary school is not great) & his age (he's currently 43 & doesn't want to be working forever to pay for it all).

I agree that we have given over our life to/for the kids but now that we're in it, what difference is one more & a few more years going to make? i feel like i have an overwhelming desire for another and i can't think about much else. maybe it'll pass.

anyway, my question is, do i accept his decision and try and forget about it or do i try & persuade him? when do i just let it die? did anyone's husband originally say no to no. 3/4/5 but then change their mind?

p.s re overpopulation, my sister is not having any children so i feel i am entitled to her share

queenofthepirates Thu 30-Jan-14 22:16:31

I think you ought to respect his wishes, it's not as though he's said no to the first 3! I appreciate when you really want a child, it is all consuming but practically speaking, he's done 'his bit'.

How do you reconcile yourself to that? I have no idea. My mum made a quilt and poured all her love and longing for a third child that never came.

Onefewernow Thu 30-Jan-14 22:24:00

Well that's tricky for both of you.

As someone who has five, of whom three were once similar ages to yours, I would have to say the odd number was a mistake. An older lady with 4 said to me at the time, admittedly rather rudely, that the last would "be on his own". She was right too.

NAR4 Fri 31-Jan-14 08:28:09

My oldest 3 were also similar ages to yours. I just wanted to add that mine have always got on well and no one was on their own.

My Dh wanted to stop at 3 but we had a surprise 11 yrs later and then dh agreed to a 5th to keep the 4th company when the others have left home. There is no way he will agree to a 6th to finish our family.

I think you need to accept you won't have any more and look forward to grandchildren.

MadIsTheNewNormal Fri 31-Jan-14 08:37:23

What would I do?

What I would do is I'd accept that I already had a larger than average family and be grateful for it, and respect my husband's wishes and concerns for the future financial security of the family we already had.

What else is there to do? You should never try and talk someone into children they don't want. Or God forbid, just get trick someone into a PG on purpose.

skiptatheloo Fri 31-Jan-14 12:51:23

I absolutely would not trick my husband by getting pregnant without his consent.

I'll get on with the quilt

Stargazer28 Fri 31-Jan-14 13:33:58

Onefewernow - why is 5 a bad number? What do you mean he has been on his own. Surely if they are close in age the odd number doesn't make any impact? Curious.

skiptatheloo Fri 31-Jan-14 13:43:30

i thought that too! my 3 are all very close in age but also good friends. i can't see any one of them being left out so far

Misfitless Fri 31-Jan-14 15:13:00

Although we both always wanted 4, after DC3, my DH was adamant that he didn't want any more. Some men (and women) do change their mind's, but there's no way of knowing, and hanging on waiting for him to change his mind when he might not, could be difficult emotionally for you both.

littlepeas Fri 31-Jan-14 16:59:40

I have 3 the same ages as yours! I'd also like another - my dh agreed over the summer but I didn't 't think it was the right time and he has now revoked his agreement! It is for much the same reasons as your dh - when I started reading this post I thought I must have posted and forgotten about it! I'm trying to focus on he positives of stopping, of which there are many, and on myself a bit more.

Booville3 Sat 01-Feb-14 08:49:27

I wrote a similar post this week, unless you've experienced the desire you don't realise how powerful, all consuming is I think the question has to be whether you would then feel this way again when dc 4 is here will you long for dc 5 & so on!! When being a mother has been the most wonderful experience accepting that that part (the pg, giving birth, having a new baby) is over it will take to time to come to terms with!!

We also have 3 our youngest is only 4 n a half months I would love another but the practicalities of this means it probably won't happen! I intend to throw myself into the 3 I've got although I think a lot of dh's could be persuaded wink

Onefewernow Sat 01-Feb-14 18:25:12

Just saw this.

I don't know. There is a two year gap between numbers 3, 4 and 5. Three and Four are very "pair-ish", and always were. 4 and 5 get on ok now- they are both boys.

But really, I would say that 3 and 4 are much more matey, and regard number 5 as younger. Maybe because number 4 is quite mature for his age, and number 5 a bit less so, as the baby of the family.

Anyway, even when they were little they tended to exclude the youngest and still do, a bit.

CherryPie3 Tue 04-Feb-14 12:20:31

4 years ago I could have written your post. I was overwhelmingly broody for a 4th baby, my youngest was only 6 months at the time too!
I had a chat with my husband, who explained that he was absolutely finished having children. He was 24 and me 26.

Anyway, I left it at that and very reluctantly accepted that 3 was out quota of children and got on with life. I did h

CherryPie3 Tue 04-Feb-14 12:24:05

Posted too soon...

I did hold it against him for about a year, not in a resentful way, more of a 'I wish he'd change his mind' sort of way. I'd never trick him and the thought never crossed my mind. I handled the contraception - I went and got the depo provera jab, had 3 shots of that and then had a copper coil fitted. (Which fell out hmm)

Anyway.....

A few weeks ago he sat me down and told me HE is broody!! Thanked me for talking him out of getting a vasectomy so young and for not pestering for nunver 4. We are now ttc#4 smile

Ttc is not going well however thanks the depo jab I allowed myself to get.... If anyone has any tips on waking my cycle up from it's slumber I'd be most grateful!

skiptatheloo Thu 06-Feb-14 13:24:34

good for you cherrypie3, wishing you luck. if only we were 10 years younger!

MultipleMama Thu 06-Feb-14 20:46:36

I think you respect his wishes. He does not want more. You have to think which you want more; another baby or your husband. To persuade someone to have a child who doesn't really want one will only cause problems and may led to resentment on his part.

He may change his mind later on but you should not push him into this when he has very good reasons for not wanting another. What if it was the other way round and he was pushing you for another? You wouldn't like it.

Leave it alone and revisit the topic in a few months or in a year's time. You may be surprised and bring up the topic himself smile

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