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Calling all with an unplanned 4th or twins as 3rd pregnancy

(27 Posts)
elisio1 Fri 06-Sep-13 22:01:38

I've recently been propelled into large family territory by the arrival of twins 2 months ago.

We very much wanted a 3rd, but 4 was never on our radar,and the pregnancy was awful - a bit like a death march - as both dh and myself were so anxious about becoming a family of 6 (and the twins factor was very daunting as well of course).

I really hoped that, once they arrived, I would start adjusting to the situation, but it hasn't really happened. The practicalities of life with two plus twins have actually turned out to be more manageable than I thought. However, I am still struggling mentally with the whole situation. I felt very content with two, and thought I would be with one more. But that feeling of contentment has left me. I honestly worry that life will be a struggle from now on. We will manage, but I want to do so much more than manage.

Four children seems like a horde, a pack, whereas 3 would have been a small, manageable group. It may sound odd, but the children have all lost a little bit of their individuality already. Even my two older (and adored) boys have merged along with their 2 month old brother into "the boys" in my mind. It is as though 3 of one sex is the tipping point between seeing them as individuals and seeing them as one group.

I feel that parenting 4 is way out of my comfort zone, and already dread having 4 teenagers so close together in age!

Ok, I am not getting a huge amount of sleep, and the twins are still so young, but at the moment, I feel trapped in a situation I can do nothing about. I wish we had just stopped at 2.

I would like to hear from anyone who ended up with 4 or more children when they didn't plan things that way (either through unplanned pregnancy or twins as 3rd/4th pregnancy). Did you ever reach a point where you were glad to have 4? Do you still have moments of thinking 'What if we had stuck to .."
Is is possible to train yourself to see a situation you didn't want as a blessing?

My other problem is that I am very envious of all my friends who either stuck at 2 or went for a 3rd and got...a 3rd!

This all sounds very negative - sorry. I do know families with 4 children who love the number 4- but they are the ones who voluntarily went for 4, so have a positive attitude towards it. Will I ever share that attitude? I do hope so.

katplva Sun 01-Dec-19 20:06:31

I wasn't on the original thread Chaos but I am in the situation of two older dcs and then twins as our dc 3 and 4. I certainly remember the shock of realising our family was going to grow and change so much, and it was not an easy thing to take on board! The newborn days were a haze of feed/change/sleep cycles - if you can get any help in please consider it! But overall it really has been amazing to see how the older two have coped fine with two new siblings, and now the twins are 3 it is fantastic to see them all play together. It is still chaotic but there is a lot of joy and fun in having four, even if we don't get the meals out and holidays etc that I would have liked! Hope you are doing ok.

Chaosonthehorizon Fri 06-Dec-19 19:40:40

Thank you very much, just found your reply. Yes getting to used to it now but do have ‘what if’ panics still, I guess I will until they arrive and I honestly don’t know how I am going to manage the logistics of all four but I will have to somehow. Life had just got easier which is a tricky thing to get over.

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