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I feel so evil and guilty

(11 Posts)
GirlsGotInk85 Tue 13-Nov-12 05:51:10

Hi, I've never posted on here before but I'm in need of some advice/ support. Yesterday I had the biggest shock when I found out I was expecting dc 4, me an dh had been careful (but obviously not careful enough). Only 3 days ago I was discussing getting sterilized and was adamant I was having no more dc's as my youngest will be starting school in the new academic year (I also have dd 9 and ds 6) and I am part way through studying for a degree, my dh is also trying to set up his own businesses so money is very tight as it is.
I'm devastated to find I'm pregnant again but dh has got over excited and is talking all things baby, I have made it clear I have not decided what to do yet.
I'm already very concerned at how thinly I have to spread myself across my dc's and spend a lot of time feeling guilty that I don't have more time to spend with them.
Last night our youngest was up a few times and I really don't want to go through the whole sleepless nights, feeding and changing dirty nappies stage again plus we have finally got ourselves a nappy and pram free house for the first time in 9 years.
I always thought that as I am happily married if this situation did occur I would continue with the pregnancy but now I'm not sure but the other option would devastate dh....I can't stop crying and I'm secretly hoping for an early mc so I don't have to make any decisions, the fact I'm thinking like this fills me with so much guilt.
I've not been able to sleep all night due to my anxieties about being pregnant with dc 4.
Is it much different to 3? How do you spend equal time with all 4? How do siblings cope when number 4 arrives? Is it possible to get a degree and career with 4? Does anyone else have the same age gap with their children, if so do you think its easier when the eldest is almost in secondary school?
So many questions, I feel my head is going to explode :'(

liveinazoo Tue 13-Nov-12 06:06:37

i have 4,but a big gap between1st and2nd<dcs are 17,8,6,amd just 5>

the dcs accepted each new arival-the number of teh child made no difference here

you are under alot of stress what with studying,working and being a mum.lob in financial concerns with dh and you are bound to be anxious

counld dh put his plans on hold for a while,wouldthat help?

having an older child i found helped.they are used to the "new addition" thing and are in process of having independance<going to friends houses etc> so ime "escaped" when necessary<she didnt much though-loved holding new sis which freed up my hands to make dinnerwink>

ultimately you need to talk to your husband about whats rightfor YOU and your family situation.

MN is a great place for venting heads about to explode so dont be afraid to keep posting-it may help you work through what you want to do

GirlsGotInk85 Tue 13-Nov-12 09:32:38

Thanks for the reply, it helps talking to other mother's of four. I have told dh if we do keep it he will need to go and seek regular employment and he's happy to do this. I've never felt so much guilt before, all my other dcs were very much planned and wanted from day 1. I feel so bad to not feel the same this time around.

liveinazoo Tue 13-Nov-12 12:01:03

none of mine where planned per se but number 4 was a shock-i was having problems with no3-he wasnt an easy baby and he failed to thrive or meet milestones.i found out i was pregnant just after we were called to be tested atthe child development clinic and went on to discove he had a reversal chromosone....

he was improving by the time dd3 arrived,he was sitting up at a year and when she arrived in the october he was just beginning to push a baby walking thing along<had physio,speech therapy etc>.he took first independant steps 2 weeks before his 2nd bday in the december!

thankfully he has managed to reach all his milestones and catch up his peers
i worried when i was pregnant,what if she has it too,but thankfully the doctors guessed correctly that he was a one off!in the early days it was hard having a child with special needs and a baby<and a partner who works a lot and no other help>but it got asier adn i enjoyed her very much when he went to state nursery and we had a year of mornings,just the 2 of us

if im honest now shes at bug school<started september>i feel quite redundant and miss the patter of little people around me

<although they are all down with a bug at the moment and im not good with sick so makes me wonder why i had so many!ha ha>

im glad you dp is understanding the practicallities and you are welcome to message me anytime if you want to talk.x

liveinazoo Tue 13-Nov-12 12:01:51

bug schoolblush
meant big school!

NAR4 Tue 13-Nov-12 12:35:31

Once you can juggle life with three children, any more really doesn't make a lot of differrence. Can you get any help from the university with regard to paying for childcare whilst you are there? My hubby was employed for a few lecturing hours whilst doing his PhD, because he told them he would need to give up due to financial difficulties. The little bit of extra money made all the differrence. If your husband gets employed at least until you finish your PhD, it should help. Ultimately only you can decide what is best for you and your family though.

GirlsGotInk85 Tue 13-Nov-12 21:40:03

Thanks for your replies everyone. NAR4 its very reassuring to hear there isn't much difference between 3 & 4.
Now the initial panic has died down I'm feeling a little more positive about the pregnancy.
I'm only studying for a FdA at present and will get help from student loans to pay for childcare. Thanks for your advice everyone, you have helped me see things in a much more positive light :-)

Shellywelly1973 Tue 13-Nov-12 23:41:36


I graduated when dc4 was 8weeks old.

Its hard but you know its possible...

Best of luck-look after yourself.

LongStory Wed 14-Nov-12 22:39:02

This isn't going to help. I could have written your original post. DC4 was twins. We are doing ok, my career is back on track, the house is full of love and chaos. But it's been rocky. I still think back on that decision.

GirlsGotInk85 Sun 18-Nov-12 09:10:46

Thanks everyone for your replies, I have tried living with the idea of having another for a few days but it hasn't helped me come to a decision. However we were at a family function until very late last night where there was a lot of young children. I just felt pity for the mothers of the babies all sat around a table together feeding and burping their little ones and cleaning up sick whilst the rest of the family including myself had fun dancing and circulating amongst everyone. As my dc's are 3yrs up they also had a lovely time eating party food and playing with some of the older children. I really don't want to go back to being one of the glum looking mums to tired to have fun and watching life pass me by.

Marzipanface Sun 18-Nov-12 09:26:17

I think you are being really hard on yourself. There are other options available. You need to do what is best for you, your mental health and for your family.

My mum was in exactly the same position. She chose to terminate at a very early stage. One of the best decisions she ever made. Having a fourth would have put our family into dire financial straits and made my mum even more unhappy.

On the other hand, there are plenty of posters who can offer support and advice on how to continue pursuing your education whilst having a baby.

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