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Should we go for a 4th? I'm 40....

(28 Posts)
OnlyMe1971 Tue 24-Jan-12 21:44:22

I will try to keep it as brief as possible, but I mainly just want to get this off my chest as have no-one to talk to about it in real life.

We have 3 healthy kids, we are truly blessed with them and I thank God for them every day. They are very young still, all under 5. The past 5 years has been hectic to say the least. We live abroad and so we have no support at all around us so that has been very tough. We always had a dream of a big family, 4 kids. NOw we have 3 and DH feels he is done.

I feel selfish saying I WANT, but I feel that there is a 4th child for me. Unfortunately DH doesn't agree. I am now 40 and it's now or never. I feel the clock is ticking away and we are not any closer to making a decision and in all honestly my head is totally wrecked.

DH and I are both very healthy, sporty, active and we are fortunate enough to be comfortable financially so would not have to change house or car or anything major.

What is holding me back is fear. I am afraid I would be doing it for the wrong reasons, that I'm just being greedy. I am afraid we wouldn't cope. I am especially afraid that it would put a strain on my relationship with DH if things were really tough, that he is right that we have enough on our plate with our 3 kids now.

We both come from big families (DH 4 kids and me 8 kids) and both our mothers conceived their youngest in their 40s... I am not naive enough to think that this would mean the same would happen to me for sure, and I am aware of the dangers but I feel that we have the best chance of having a healthy baby given our lifestyles.

So there you have it. I think about this a LOT, every single day adn I just feel that i need to decide in the next few months.

DH visibly wilts when I bring it up but I know deep down that if I really wanted he he would probably go along with it. He has found the last 5 years very difficult. He is avery hands on and a brilliant Dad but like all parenst with small kids, it is very stressful at times and he is a lot more sensible than me.

Maybe I should listen to him, the voice of reason? What do you think?

Honestly, my head is totally wrecked from over thinking this.

Thanks for reading if you got this far : )

Gumby Tue 24-Jan-12 21:48:22

It sounds like you really really want to do this

So tbh I'd go for it

But only if dh is completely on board

Because if he's not these things can make or break a marriage

Plus your 3 must be quite young - when they're older can you see yourself ferrying a 10 yr old around to aftr school clubs with the others in tow? Can you afford air tickers to see your families for a family of 6? These are the things I'd be thinking about

tizwas Wed 25-Jan-12 14:02:34

Hi there - Fighting these maternal feelings is extremely hard. In the long term you would never regret having a child...(maybe for a few sleepless months...but) seriously if your husband eventually agrees to this and when you have weighed up the practicalities I would say go for it.
We contemplating no.4 too - both want one but are concerned that its for a girl - after 3 boys - rather than another child. So my head is being done in too as I'm contemplating it practically every second! Good Luck with your decision

mum6mum Wed 25-Jan-12 14:26:39

i so go for it smile i allways wanted a big family and after 2 my husband said we where done been one of each ! but here i am with 6 and trying for our 7th ( it only took 3 days to get him on board ) !
DH loves all our kids and wouldnt be with out any of them , he too is very hands on !
if its right for you and you can .
go for it , you only life live once , live it with no regrets .
good luck smile

OnlyMe1971 Wed 25-Jan-12 14:26:50

Same here, every second, my mind has suddenly become taken over by it... we have 3 boys too but I don't mind a bit if it's another boy if we do go for it. Of course a girl is welcome too : )

itsonlyyearfour Wed 25-Jan-12 14:45:36

We were in a similar situation to you, I was 37 when our fourth was born and my eldest was 4. It has been incredibly tough.

I never regret having our fourth child, now she is 2 and she is wonderful in every way - our family feels truly complete.

BUT like you we are on our own (no family help) and it has been truly tough for the past two years and only really started getting a bit easier now. My DH has done a lot and like others' said he has to be fully on board as it has been a huge commitment. Somehow having 4 felt a lot harder but I think it was because the age gaps were so small so effectively we had 3 at home and one at reception for the first year and that was really very tough.

I don't know what would have made it easier for us, possibly having family close by, for sure. But like others said, I have no regrets as you never ever regret having another child - although I am pretty shattered most of the time and this is two years on!!! I suspect when my third child goes to school in September there will be a light at the end of the tunnel in terms of getting a bit more of a breather!!!

notfluffyatall Wed 25-Jan-12 14:49:37

"DH visibly wilts when I bring it up but I know deep down that if I really wanted he he would probably go along with it."

There's your answer right there. Do you really just want him to go along with it? He doesn't want another, just enjoy the three lovely kids you have.

juneau Wed 25-Jan-12 14:56:34

Yeah, I'm with notfluffy. He 'visibly wilts'? Oh God! To me that doesn't bode well. You know you could persuade him, but at what cost? I'm not a fan of one half of a couple going on and on at the other half to concede to their wishes until they succeed. You have a lovely family with three kids and a loving, involved husband. I'd be grateful for that if it was me and I wouldn't push things. You sound like you've got more than enough on your plate already.

OnlyMe1971 Wed 25-Jan-12 22:00:59

Yes juneau I know you're right. I keep coming back to that. Well I keep swinging from one opinion to the other. I do think DH would do it for me, but I don't want him to only do it for me as I feel it's too much responsibility for me to also take that on board. I feel he would have to be on board 100% really. I think it's been very hard on DH as I had PND after DC2 and then really bad sleeping problems for another year as a result of that and so DH did most of the getting up with the kids especially the first year after DS3 was born. Now we are back to being equal again but I know he is afraid of a repeat of all the above and I know that is a valid fear. He is such a great husband and father and he really does far too much for everyone as it is. So right now I'm trying to count my blessings and put my DH in front of me as he always seems to put me in front of him.

Hope I can stick to this plan : )

NeedAnXmasList Wed 25-Jan-12 22:11:40

Your husband must really be onside with this. Count your blessings with what you have and appreciate how lucky you are having 3 wonderful, healthy children.

However I had my first 4 really close together and it was really hard work - they're a bit older now so less tiring in that respect. Never regretted it at all - but husband was pleased with it as well.

But I always knew there was at least another one in me and dithered about whether it was fair on the others, whether I had used up all my good luck health wise. Had DC5 just before I turned 43, no family nearby and just moved to a new area - and it has been one of the best things that has ever happened.

Sorry probably not been much help!!

juneau Thu 26-Jan-12 11:36:51

Something else to consider - since you're living far from family. What if that 'one last child' is twins? Or has a disability? Could you cope then? I know it's statistically unlikely, but shit happens and you have to factor those risks in and consider whether you could still cope if something unexpected happened.

slipperandpjsmum Thu 26-Jan-12 16:52:16

I had my 4th when I was 40. I didn't find the change from 3 to 4 that much more challenging than 3. My dh is desperate for another but I now I am 42 I think thats probably it for me.

I am not sure what other motive there is to having a child than wanting one.

notfluffyatall Thu 26-Jan-12 19:32:01

Surely it's important that both parties want one? OP's husband can't make it any clearer he doesn't.

OnlyMe1971 Thu 26-Jan-12 21:59:38

Thank you for your replies.
Yes, for me to go ahead with this, I would have to have DH totally on side.
We had a really good discussion about it this evening. He said that in one way he would love us to have another baby, but he also sees lots of reasons not to go ahead with it. I agreed with him and we both feel we are on the same page. We agreed that we won't actively try (currently in a state of total abstinence anyway as we've both been so tired lately) but if for some reason, one night, we get carried away with passion, that it would be fine and we would deal with it if a pregnancy were to happen and yes, we would be okay with it and yes, we would cope.
Of course anything COULD happen, twins, a baby with a disability, but I do believe and so does my DH, that we WOULD deal with that if it came to it. In a year, DH will have a vasectomy as for me the cut off point for pregnancy is 41.... less than a year away!!

mum6mum Fri 27-Jan-12 09:27:40

good luck to you . and hope that night of passion happens soon for you . me DH are in the same boat , if it happens it happens , but if it dosnt in a year , we'll stop and that will be it .
good luck .

Melissafe Thu 08-Sep-16 14:14:14

Onlyme1971, it's now 2016, did you have your 4th baby? I'm 41 and considering it with all the pros and cons you said except my husband wants it even more than me!

AliBingo Thu 08-Sep-16 17:11:21

Similar here. How old are your first three?

Melissafe Fri 09-Sep-16 11:04:29

10,8 and 4. But I could only do it if my husband helped me more with the house and kids, he won't, and although he wanted 4, when I put it to him like that, he decided it will be too stressful, and we should be thankful for what we have (which i am). I do kind of feel I'm mourning the missing 4th, but you never know how things could turn out and I love my other 3 so much, I don't want to compromise them for what they need from me. They certainly will get better quality time from me than if I'm stressed out, under slept and overwhelmed and resentful that my husband isn't doing more of what I'd need to manage more easily. We can only do what we can do, any of us. I may suddenly feel that I can handle it whatever, but I know I'd be taking the workload on alone. So in the meantime, I'll carry on doing my best and continue to be thankful for what I have.
How old are yours?

AliBingo Fri 09-Sep-16 13:29:49

Hi again, I am 41 and the kids are 4, 2 and 1. I feel like there's still one more to come but worried about biting off more than I can chew, plus being too old!

Melissafe Fri 09-Sep-16 14:18:28

If they're already that close in age, I would say go for it! One more in nappies won't be much of a change from what you're doing and then in3 years it will all just calm down and they will have each other. Best of luck! If you're in good shape, and you have some support around, why not. X

Buttwing Fri 09-Sep-16 14:28:26

Make sure you are 100% sure and your dp really wants it too. I have 4dc (11,5,2 and 1) and it has been the hardest thing I've ever done the first year was so so hard the youngest two are almost 3 and 2 now and it's starting to get a bit easier but still tough.
I found the jump from 3-4 huge but it could be because the youngest two are 13 months apart.

AliBingo Fri 09-Sep-16 16:43:11

Melissafe I'm so tempted! It feels like it could be mad for a few years though if we do. Not in fantastic shape but would probably be ok with another pregnancy. Support OTOH is a different matter! DH not here much in the week, rarely home before half seven, and I don't have any family support. DH and I haven't been out together in years. I keep thinking one more wouldn't make much difference. Do you have car capacity and house space for a 4th?

Buttwing that sounds quite hard, you have a close gap with the last two don't you, hopefully they'll end up being great friends and partners in crime. Do you have much help/support?

DoinItFine Fri 09-Sep-16 16:52:01

I'm amazed people are saying "go for it" when your husband doesn't want to have any more children.

Of course you mustn't go for it.

You have 3 kids, you have no support other than your husband, your husband is knackered after 5 years of small children, you have a history of PND,.

No, don't get pregnant.

Don't have a "night of passion" that then forces an unwanted baby on your husband as a done deal.

Ilovewillow Fri 09-Sep-16 16:58:34

I think unless you both truly want another baby then my answer would be no. If you both decide you do then fine, I had my second at 42 and age wise it was all good and the pregnancy was no harder than my first at 36!

Melissafe Fri 09-Sep-16 17:06:07

Hi Doinitfine, I think it's crossed wires, this thread picked up from an old on from 2012 in which that lady mentioned sthg about PND, but this other lady is not the same one and has different circumstances. A bit confusing, many people on one thread from different years.
Take care everyone and may you make the best choices for your own circumstances.

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