Middle Child Syndrome

[whenIgetto3]

Can someone please help me help DS1.

DD1 (10) went to prep school in yr 3 settled well no problems. DS1 (8) went to prep school last year settled well, slightly tired no problems at all. DS2 (7) has started this year, he is doing so well it is great (he had a bad education year last year and went through 2 schools in a year). However, DS1 is now wobbling a lot. He has been in trouble for fighting with DS2, has been rude to teachers (who were comparing him to DS2 at the time) and is generally have a sad time. The school are great, we have spoken about it straight after it happened and they agree that it is because the younger DS is doing so well and the older one is feeling like he is left out and not as good. Staff have been told not to compare but the other children are going to do it as they are 16 months apart and look so alike. I feel really sad for DS1 he is getting in trouble and he feels like everyone hates him and loves DS2. I have been trying to reassure him but he won't listen, we have had mummy time and daddy time (well as much as you can get when he is working 100+ hour weeks) on his own and he is lovely then.

The worst bit is they have always been so close although DS1 is closer now to DD2 (4) I don't want competitiveness at school to ruin how my 2 DS interact.

Is this normal middle child issues and how do I help DS1 overcome it?

[bumpybecky]

poor ds1 :(

do they do much outside school? I'd try to get them involved in different activities, so ds1 might do cubs and ds2 swimming - whatever. Letting them mix with separate groups of people outside school and be themselves rather than being someone's brother

good luck with it :)

[whenIgetto3]

Bumpy I did try that but most activities are done at school. They are all 3 in cubs, they swim during school time so no swim club after school, DS1 was doing Judo on his own but he was insistent that DS2 should come along with him. He was worried that DS2 is not as strong as him and judo would help him learn to protect himself when older, he loves him if anyone else is picking on him.

DS1 does cross country whereas DS2 doesn't but other than that as clubs are at school and they are both very sporty then they end up being picked into teams and both in the same club, maybe next year will be better as Yr 5 are separated more as they group clubs yr3/4 yr5/6 and then yr7/8 but next year is a long way away.

[sunnydelight]

That sounds tough, poor DS1! Is there anything that he is much better at than his younger brother that could be pushed as "his thing"? It sounds like you tried to do that with judo - maybe next time insist that DS2 doesn't join in too. Could you have a word with school and ask that only DS1 is picked for the sport team as DS2 will have another chance next year - I know our school has done that in the past with ultra competitive close in age siblings. A bit harsh on DS2 I know but maybe an option for this year until they will be split anyway. Hopefully by the time it would become an issue again both boys will have matured a bit.

[whenIgetto3]

Sunny
The thing is they are in year groups for teams but train together. DS1 is happier now a few weeks in think DS2 has found a few friends of his own and is now giving him some time to himself. DS1 is very sensitive but displays the harder than hard attitude so as not to appear sensitive. Hopefully it has settled down a bit now, DS1 has also realized that DS2 is not as good at rugby and is happy to teach him stuff so think we may have turned a corner as DS1 has done that 8 year old thing of suddenly gaining maturity overnight.

[bumpybecky]

that sounds much more positive :) hope things continue to improve

[sunnydelight]

Glad to hear things are getting better - I forget it's start of the school year in the UK (we're heading for last term here) so it's inevitable there will be some settling in issues.

[whenIgetto3]

Well last night I found out that DS1 really has grown up in the last 3 weeks, DS2 was upset at school and crying and DS1 gave him a hug (in front of his friends) and made him feel better and they are once again best of friends. He said to me that he has realised that his little brother is scared and still settling in to all the new school stuff and he should help him as much as possible, he also mentioned that there are things they both do well and that it's OK if one is better than the other at one thing as there are things that the other is better at. So thanks guys for the advice, maybe I was worrying over nothing and it was all new year teething problems not middle child syndrome at all