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Thinking of TTC #3 (+ 1 DSC)... sensible or not??

(7 Posts)
hannahZ Fri 12-Aug-11 15:10:48

I was a bit thrown last night when DH made it clear that he'd like us to have another baby. We've tentatively talked about it before but not come to any conclusions. At the moment, we have DSS(5), DD(5) and DS(1). DSS doesn't live with us but he is with us for all our holidays and every other weekend.

Financially, we would be fine and I love my kids and get so much happiness from them, so another one (which would hopefully be close in age to DS) should generally be a good thing - except that I have been really quite overanxious and easily upset throughout pregnancy with DS and for the last year. Not directly about DS as he is a gorgeous, easy baby, but generally about life, work, relationship with DH, contact arrangements with DSS etc when I am tired and busy. I worry that I would be even worse with the demands of a third/fourth DC thrown into the mix - or do you find that it doesn't make a significant difference once you get past a certain number?

Is it madness to just go ahead and hope everything pans out ok??

Hammy01 Mon 12-Sep-11 12:57:52

Hi hannahZ

Thats just so wierd reading your message as your household must be playing out the same scenario as mine smile
My husband also has made it clear that he feels incredibly broody for another baby (we have DSS 7, DS 4 and DD 3) and my heart is leaping around saying 'YES!! Have another baby, thats what you want you love being a mum' but my head is saying that between trying to juggle a fulltime job, childcare for our 2 and my stepson (who we have once a fortnight), looking after my terminally ill MIL and trying to maintain a relationship with my DH - I feel I'm overstretched now - so add another baby to the mix could be disastrous. But then again, it could be wonderful....wink and everything just pans out.

I know that if we had another, I would like to think that I would not work fulltime as childcare etc would be a lot harder with 3 than with 2.
Even though I know financially we could cope with four, we wouldn't have anymore holidays abroad, money would be a lot tighter, I would have less time with DH and no me-time at all.
And what happens if no. 3 is child from hell? What if the other kids resent the new one?
My DH just drops this little bomb on me that after telling me since DD birth 3 yrs ago that there will be no more kids , he's done - now he's broody as hell but not looking at the longterm reality of it all.
Or maybe I'm just worrying to much??!!

Sorry - I haven't helped at all have I??!! blush
I will watch this thread with interest and hope some mum's in our current position have some advice!!

Hammy01 Mon 12-Sep-11 13:29:50

Opps - just realised, you posted this in August so you've probably already reached a decision by now!!
Let me know what you decided and what helped you make that decision smile

HannahZ Mon 12-Sep-11 14:28:14

Hi, good to hear I'm not alone! Although not sure my dithering will be of much help to you either ;-)

Basically, I said last month that I needed a month or two to come to terms with the idea and get settled back at work after maternity leave but the idea is now very much back on the agenda again. I think we have decided that we will never know what the 'right' decision is and that talking it over won't achieve anything so we are just going to go for it... eek.

DH was very supportive when I had quite a wobble and was in tears because I didn't think I'd be able to cope (I'd had a really bad day at work then the kids played up in the evening and I didn't deal with it well) and said it would be fine if I didn't want any more. It reassured me that he was being so supportive - this was a big issue for me during pregnancy and early days last time around - so I am hoping that it'll all be fine...

Loads of hoping/not knowing going on. Still not sure if we're being stupid really but I'm terrified of regretting not going for it (it's now or never as DH is 10 years older than me and has always said he couldn't do it when much older). Oh dear, I'm now all worried about being irresponsible again and possibly bringing another life into the world when we're not 100% sure...

Hammy01 Mon 12-Sep-11 21:50:34

Do you intend on going back to work after No.3?
Personally, I find working isn't the issue with me its the stress of trying to sort out childcare before and after school/nursery, the incredilble guilt I feel when my children say to me every morning 'Don't go to work mummy' (Every morning - is this something that all kids do??!!) and then trying not to get upset when I do the best I can juggling all my balls and not everyones happy. I don't expect it to be like a Disney house - all smiles, laughter and happiness but makes me wonder if working fulltime is really worth it in the long run...unfortunately I don't think I can go part time in my line of work so kinda stuck.
Definately a very fine line of organised chaos every day!
I don't think your being stupid - its not like you've not given this careful consideration and taken into account all the variables.
Do you have an additional support network of friends and family that can help you as well as your husband?
I think life would obviously be busier with 3/4 children in the house and there would be good as well as bad days but the good usually outweigh the bad IYSWIM?
And TBH who isn't anxious and tearful when pregnant/first few weeks with a newborn - I know I am lol smile
I loved being pregnant but my DH does not enjoy it so much. While I have soft memories of feeling amazing (knackered and swollen but amazing) my DH recollects tearful outbursts, worrying about everything and anything, having 'I cannot cope anymore' moments and him having to share our bed with a massive maternity pillow that I was more comfortable snuggling up with than him lol!
I don't know if my ramblings have helped at all but here to chat if ever you need to smile

HannahZ Tue 13-Sep-11 10:45:34

I'd definitely go back to work. I'm lucky that I can do part-time work that is already geared around nursery and school hours (well, breakfast/after-school club hours) but it is still a stress getting everything done in the office, knowing that there's a fixed deadline by when I HAVE to leave, then rushing to catch trains etc. I think I'm happier not being a full-time SAHM though and also, although DH earns v good money, there are lots of job cuts in his industry so we need the safety net of my job too.

We had another talk last night and I definitely feel happier now we've shared our concerns and talked about ways around some of the problems. Having been through all that though, it probably won't now happen - or not for ages!

Sorry to hear that you feel guilty about going to work. Kids just work out how to push our buttons - and it's a compliment that they want you to stay home with them! (Mine can't wait to be out of the house and DD hates missing breakfast club on my day off ;-) I tell my DD all the positive things about going to work, and she's visited my office a couple of times which I think helps, but she is naturally very independent (unlike DS) so I've thankfully not had to face the guilt-tripping. I guess it'll come down to how much you enjoy your job when you're there, whether it works as a break from the DC and whether you can manage without the extra wage. At least it saves more on childcare so it's easier to justify being a SAHM with more DC!!

Have you decided yet what you want/are going to do??

Hammy01 Tue 13-Sep-11 21:35:28

I'm glad your feeling happier about your decision lets sprinkle some baby dust your way lol!
I would love to have another baby and DH and I discussed again tonight but I think we're going to wait till at least christmas time before we seriously think about binning the contraceptives. For me the deal breaker is the constant juggling act of childcare and working - it drains me now with just two so to go back to having a baby as well - the thought just wears me out smile
Both me and my DH faced a lot of uncertainty over the last 7 months as we wasn't sure if we were both to be made redundant from the company that we both work for. Our jobs are safe for the foreseeable future but as for how long noone knows.
When we thought our jobs were at risk, the idea of having a cushion of redundancy pay would have allowed us to have another baby and give me the opportunity to be a SAHM for a while.
Like you I do enjoy working however I would like to work less hours smile
You sound like you have a lovely family so hope to hear some exciting news soon grin

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