I have had to namechange for this as my usual name is very well used on these forums. Some parts of the post will be rather vague (children's sex/age for example, as they could identify me, last thing I want is dh finding out how I feel from a forum)
I believe I will sound selfish, please don't hold that against me as it's partly why I'm here. :(:(
I am mid 20's, my dh is mid 20's. We have 3 children (2 boys and a girl, youngest is 1yr, oldest 6yrs).
I am desperately broody for another. As you can probably predict, my dh is not. Majorly not. But he will not discuss it further, only to tell me what ISN'T his reason for not wanting another.
For me, the selfish bit is I have no good reason for wanting another, I want my little one to have a brother or sister to grow up with as already they are left out. And I just want one. As I said, very poor reason's, I wish I could turn this broodiness off. I fear it will eventually come between me and dh as already I find myself unreasonably resenting his decision. That said, there is no obvious reason not to have another child either. (Reason's stated further down)
He won't talk about it. I had to battle with him when discussing ttc#3 and I ended up with mild temporary depression from it and I don't think I could go through that again. Plus, whilst I was pregnant I was so sure that I wouldn't want anymore I promised this was it. So it's me moving the goalposts. I never dreamed in a million years that I would feel like this again, and so strongly. I have been broody since about a fortnight before I gave birth last year, I just never said anything to him - I don't want to upset him.
There have been times in the last 6 or 7 weeks that I have been intending to speak to him about it but then he comes home in such a good mood that I don't want to spoil it. Or he'll have had a terrible day and I don't want to make it worse. Or he could be in a foul mood and I don't want to make him angry. I just don't know how long I can keep it bottled up now tho, the tears have started when I see birth announcements, it's a constant thought occupying my mind.
Financially we are ok, he has a good management job which has enabled me to give up work. Our children have new clothes (mostly from George or TU), I buy/sell bits on eBay and we do fine. We don't exactly go without.
We can afford holidays, just not every year, we tend to do daytrips to different places (zoo, adventure parks, seaside etc) so the kids still do things throughout the year rather than just a week. As well as occasional weekends away with family as they live on the east coast seaside.
Here is all the (some vague I apologise) info on a plain sheet:-
- DH has an illness, unpleasant at times but manageable. He developed this when our eldest was 5m old. He will soon be starting methrotrexate for it. This will mean if I somehow become pregnant, it will end with a mandatory abortion according to his specialist (metho is apparently used in abortions and can cause birth defects). He says his illness/medication is not the reason for not wanting another.
- Money is ok, we're not rich but not poor so I count us lucky. We buy new and second hand to get by. We shop at Sainsbury's (basic's mainly mind). We have a joint mortgage.
- We have a nice car, but this will have to be changed if we were to have another child as it is only a 5 seater.
- We have the space, just. An extra bedroom would be nice but is not essential. We live in a large 3 bed mid-terrace, we have a double driveway and a very long rear garden. The bedrooms are a good size, one is significantly smaller, but still big enough for a single bed and cotbed - a high sleeper bed is on my daughters wishlist which is a good idea for more space. The second bedroom will be kitted out with bunkbeds soon for our boys and there is easily enough room in there for another set let alone a cot. This is besides wardrobe space.
Master bedroom is a good size too.
- Dh's father doesn't want us to have anymore, dh listens avidly to him. Dh's mum says go for it. (not that this matters greatly but still...). FIL has told dh to go book a vasectomy, which I talked him out of. In fact fil went and got the snip days after his second child was born, mil has never forgiven him as she wasn't 'finished'. The rest of his family (well some of) have 4+ children, his Nan had 15! Two of his Aunt's have had 6.
- I'm happy to go back to work if that will ease dh's stress. I know he worries about money as he is the only worker in our household now - it's him that doesn't want me to go to work.
- I have saved all of our baby things, save a few clothing items that I've sold on eBay. We wouldn't need to buy a thing (although probably would but a few 'special bits' anyway). Possibly would need a carrycot and car seat for pushchair (Luna Truffle) but they're cheap enough on eBay, about £20 each.
- I have saved all my maternity things, so wouldn't need to buy any. (can stick to this one easily enough as I have looaads)
Please please advise me. I feel so guilty for bottling this up but I just don't feel like I can talk to him about it, he just clams up and gets angry. Which gets me angry.
The longer this goes on, the more resentment I'm going to harbour so I need to do something about this. I love my husband dearly, and I wish so hard that I could change the way I feel because either way it seems one of us will be unhappy. We both adore our children, and we are good parents, although perhaps we started younger than most would agree with (first baby was an accident in our late teens - the happiest accident of our lives)
I would never trick him, although I'm ashamed to say the thought crossed my mind. I believe a baby should be made with love and trust.
I'm so sad, I don't want to end up with depression again as that was horrid, crying every waking hour... I want to be able to enjoy my family, I adore my children and I am grateful that I have been able to have children - I do understand exactly how lucky I am to be a mother when so many ladies are unable to even become pregnant. This in turns adds to my guilt that I should be happy!
If you read to the end, congratulations! You need a bloody medal!