Pregnant with 3rd, frightened

[MrsK70]

Hello

I am about 5 months pregnant with my 3rd child and I am having a really bad time with it. The pregnancy is planned - my husband and I talked and talked for about 2 years before finally deciding to go for it. I got pregnant immediately, the first few weeks were fine but then I started feeling completely terrified about what we had done.

All the negatives, the reasons that I had not to have a third seem to have magnified and I can't seem to get hold of any of the feelings that I previously had about wanting another child. I feel completely horrible about it. I already have a boy and girl who get along really well and I just keep looking at them and thinking 'what have I done'?

I don't feel any excitment about the new baby I just feel scared about what is going to happen to my life and how I will cope.

At one point I even considered not going ahead with it but I was so incredibly sick that I couldn't think straight and I just couldn't make that huge a decision without knowing it was definitely what I wanted to do. And aborting a planned pregnancy seemed like the craziest thing ever.

I can't talk to anyone now. I'm physically fine now and my husband thinks I'm over my confusion, everyone thinks I'm really looking forward to it and all I want is for it to go away.

I am desperately hoping that when the baby arrives I will fall in love and it will all be fine but I can't shake off the feeling that I am going to spend the rest of my life wishing I hadn't had this baby. I can't stop thinking that if it took me two years to decide whether to have another or not then I really shouldn't have done it.

I've mentioned it to my midwife who thinks it may be prenatal depression but I don't think I feel depressed, I feel full of regret and completely terrified and really hating myself.

Can anyone offer me any kind words?

Thanks

[peppapighastakenovermylife]

My third is absolutely fab! I would not be without him (obviously). I worried like you too and did wonder what I had done but now he is here I obviously would not change things for the world.

Yes it is harder. In some ways it is the same as two as you are used to having small people about but organisationally I find it quite difficult. But not overwhelming. He is gorgeous! The older two love him and he is no problem at all as he is so amused by the older two.

Mine are 4.5, 2.5 and 9 months and I work full time. I manage to get out of the house fine by 7 ish each morning. We mainly eat well. The house is a tip though but everyone is happy

You are having a gorgeous baby at the end of this - remember that. What exactly are you worried about? Do you have specific concerns?

I would describe it as a wonderful level of semi chaos. It is all a bit mad and certainly not tidy and serene as some of my friends houses appear with one child but it is lovely.

[MrsK70]

Thanks for your reply. I just feel so stupid and mad at myself for feeling like this - I wanted this child so I just can't understand why I'm feeling like this.

My life feels quite managable now (though my house is always a tip!) and I worry that this new one will tip me over into out of control. My two are 5 and 3. I find looking after the 2 that I have quite easy and I enjoy it. I worry that the third will put an end to that. My husband says we will just make things work - it will be crazy at first just like it was when we had the first and then the second, and then things will fall into place. I desperately want to believe that but right now I feel overwhelmed.

I know that as long as I fall in love I will be fine. I am worried about how I can possibly be so lucky as to have a third wonderful child who I adore as much as I adore my first two.

Sorry to be so moany. I makes me feel better just getting it off my chest like this!

[PorkChopSter]

I think it's common (and normal) to suddenly have second thoughts once you find out you are pregnant - even for a very much planned and wanted baby. As it moves from the abstract "yes a baby would be lovely" from the blindingly obvious "I am growing a person inside of me" And until you can feel or see or somehow become attached to it as a baby/person, instead of the thing that is making you anxious, sick and taking over your body, then the doubts and worries come crowding in. Also, because you have two already, there'll be a bit of feeling you have chanced your luck with those. And you'll be going back to square one with sleep and feeds and nappies and doing it all with two other children in tow

Having said that 3 children is great, a fantastic brood. I found going from 2 to 3 far, far easier than going from 1 to 2.

[peppapighastakenovermylife]

I felt exactly the same and spent the first few months wondering what on earth I had done. That faded and by around 7 months I was really excited.

I had some spotting early on and I have to admit I did momentarily think it might have been for the best.

But seriously - it is fine! Your other two are old enough for school and nursery - you will get loads of chances for cuddles. And they will love him.

It will be brilliant and you will be fine! I think part of it is that we know what this is like so worry. It is much easier than I expected

I dont think it is much different from having two - logistically it is harder but it is easier in other ways as they play with the baby.

[MrsK70]

Thanks so much for the replies. The sickness and exhaustion I've had with has pregnancy has certainly made things harder. My eldest is at school and my second at nursery in the mornings which should make things more manageable.

I desperately want to be enjoying my last pregnancy and, when he arrives, my last newborn - though my first two didn't sleep through for at least a year so I am fully prepared for this one to be the same!!

You have helped me put things into perspective and think a bit more rationally. Thanks again.

[nicobean]

Just to second everyone who says that they felt the same: ME TOO! My planned "bonus boy" arrived a lot earlier than planned and was a big shock. I didn't feel like I enjoyed my pregnancy enough either and I had no idea how I'd manage. It just seemed impossible to stretch myself any further.

Family life is crazy but now (5 months in) I'm more used to the chaos and it does get easier every month that goes by. When they handed me my newborn that was it, I was in love, and he's the most happy and adorable boy. His sisters (4.5 and 2.5) love him to bits, and although the logistics of getting about are harder, you can do it. We just went to the US to visit the grandparents and we survived.

I was lucky to have a great friend with 3 even closer in age than mine, who was able to steer me through my many 3rd pregnancy and new baby wobbles. I hope you have a 3+ mum friend in real life too.

Good luck and congratulations!! Us mums of many are lucky people

[MrsK70]

Hello, thanks for the reply

I'm trying to be more rational and tell myself that this is what is happening now so I need to make the most of it because feeling upset and worried won't make it go away!

I have very supportive family on both sides, although they don't live nearby they do help out a lot when we do see them. I also have one friend with 3 and a few others who are also pregnant with No.3 (seems a lot of my friends are deciding to have 3) so I won't be alone.

It's funny, because I have always felt happy for my life to be mainly about my children, and have always felt at my most fulfilled when caring for my children (I do work as well but it's a means to an end really) but now suddenly I feel trapped by this life of child rearing I see stretching ahead of me and the responsibility of bring up 3 children feels overwhelming.

I hope most of this is hormones!

[voodoomunkee]

Hiya, just wanted to add some support really. Am currently pg with my 3rd but have a huge age gap (ds is 13 and dd 10). I felt like you 'omg what have I done' for a large portion of my 1st trimester. Am now nearly 18 weeks and have got to the 'what will be will be' stage. Am sure it is not all going to be hearts and fairy tales and that it will be tricky but that we will get through it! I have 2 friends who have 3 but theirs are so much older than mine. I still have moments of worry but honestly they are getting shorter and shorter. My dc's are very excited! Even the ds who wouldnt normally be interested in baby stuff likes to have a feel to see if he can feel his new bro or sis and my dd cannot hold back her excitement (she cried with happiness when I told her!).

Nothing earth shattering added but hope the support helps! Congratulations by the way :)

[MrsK70]

Thanks for the message. I had a moment today when I was collecting my eldest from school and one of the mums who didn't yet know I was pregnant saw my tummy and said 'Oh you are so lucky'. And I suddenly thought, yes I am so lucky.

Hasn't made all my worried go but certainly made me a think a bit!

My two are very excited as well, and I am looking forward to sharing it with them, my eldest was a little young when my second arrived for it to really mean a huge amount.

Congratulations to you too!

[voodoomunkee]

No problem! Sometimes it is easy to lose perspective a bit (ime) and it can be a scary time whichever pg you are on!

I worry a lot and really have to give myself a bit of a shake as it isn't healthy, instead I try and focus on nice things - like today, my dd was at my mums and had made a blanket for the 'bump', totally unexpected by either me or OH when we turned up to collect her at tea time. Very sweet and gave me a moment much like yours when I felt utterly lucky!

[mollycuddles]

Wow - voodoomunkee. That's the age gap here. Ds is 13 and dd1 is 10 and dd2 has been such a joy. The age gap is brilliant. But I was terrified before! I left mothercare in tears not being able to cope with the thought of a baby at about 30 weeks. Three is wonderful. You and op will be grand. I'm beginning to consider a fourth!

[missorinoco]

Hi, my third is four months, will only be cuddled by me at the moment, it's totally nuts, but I wouldn't swap it for the world. He is a gem. Think of those little baby smiles that light up their faces when they see you, and the coos whilst they "chat" to you.

I think the age gap between your children will be a good one too. They are old enough to rationalise with, and to stick in front of the television for moments when you just need a break.

Good luck!

[voodoomunkee]

Really! Not sure am going to go for 4 personally - 3 was enough of a shock! However saying that you can never say never! Tis nice to hear your story molly, I do worry about the age gap but can see a lot of positives too. How old is dc3 if you don't mind me asking?

Also sorry to hijack the thread!

[Boozilla]

MrsK please just take a breath and don't be too hard on yourself. I remember being pregnant with my 3rd and feeling RELIEVED when I lost a clot one day going to the toilet and thought I might have lost the baby.

I felt like I had just fallen to the bottom of a large hill that I had just finished climbing!! To be completely honest I still feel like that sometimes (on a bad day) but they are very few and 95% of the time I can't leave my little one alone, she is hugged and kissed to death!!

I also find that she 'diffuses' some of the tension between the other two when they start getting confrontational over toys or are just a bit sick of each other. Hearing the elder two making her laugh is priceless!

Just relax, it's certainly not easy, but in my experience it was easier going from 2-3 than from 1-2 as another poster said.

I wouldn't be without my little squidge for anything!! Very best wishes to you!!

[mollycuddles]

Dd2 just turned 1. Her big brother and sister adore her and do help out. She just loves them and enjoys the fact that she has 4 willing slaves. Dd1 was quite jealous for a while but got over it and is now an amazing big sister. I told dh while I was pg he was getting the snip once she was born but I've decided he should hold off for now. Family life is such fun now dd2 is here. We're going on a cycling holiday in 4 weeks - she loves anything that has her in the middle of things and had a BBQ at the weekend to celebrate her birthday. Ok there's more washing and I'm exhausted and the house really is a tip but I'm much more relaxed than when the other two were little. I know how quickly they grow up (ds is as tall as me and doing the whole grumpy teenager thing at times).

[MrsK70]

Thanks for all the support everyone. I have even had moments of feeling excited in the last few days! And I am trying to remember all the reasons that I wanted 3. He has started kicking a lot too, which is always lovely!

I am also remembering that life with 2 (or even just 1) is not always plain sailing. I think I feel that because I've chosen to have 3 then I feel must do it without complaining and I am frightened I won't be able to. But actually of course there will be hard days and that is okay, just like I have hard days now with 2. But it is always worth it.

Thanks all

[fidelma]

I loved my 3rd and found it quite easy as I knew what I was doing.I was also already juggling so no change there.

Yes I gained a baby but it was a few hard years in return for a whole other human in my life.So worth it.

I now have 4

[MrsK70]

My midwife has assured me that by No.3 you know exactly what you are doing. Hope so!