Would love a 4th but DH doesn't... what do you think?

[OnlyMe1971]

Just need to get it off my chest really. DH is a fantastic Dad to our 3 boys under 5 years of age. Life is very busy, I'm a SAHM now and DH works full time in a very family friendly job. He is home every day at 5:30, doesn't have to travel, earns a very good salary, and part of the terms and conditions of his work is that they pay for kiddies education right up until kids finish 3rd level education. So financially we are lucky enough not to have many/any worries.

I will be 40 this year. TIme is running out. I would dearly love another baby. The gender to me is not important, though 4 boys would be interesting I'm sure, but I think we would cope.

DH doesn't agree. He thinks it would be too hard and that our lives would change dramatically. I don't agree. We have the space in the car and in our house so no major changes needed there. DH's biggest issue is that we'd be going backwards again in his eyes. Another baby, more nappies, sleepless nights, complicated family dynamics/sibling rows, not fair on the boys we have as tye are so young.

I totally get all his concerns. He says a tiny part of him could be convinced, but I know his heart is not in it. If I were to go again, I would need him to be totally on my side, as I'd need him more than ever..

Sorry this is so long. Anyone have any thoughts or have you been in this situation and come out the other side?

[jugofwildflowers]

Been there done that and I make no apologies for the fact I didn't really care that my dh didn't want a 3rd or 4th for that matter. I knew I'd regret it if I didn't have 4 (would have loved a 5th but that was when dh took control of the contraception!)

If he's a good dad of 3 he'll be a good dad of 4, one more just makes it more complete esp as we had the opposite sex 4th time! My dh doesn't remember not wanting the 3rd or 4th as he's totally devoted which is what I knew he'd be.

The thing is don't talk about it, be in control of the contraception (or lack of it) and bob's your uncle.

[buttonmoon78]

Not sure about the wisdom of that advice jugo. It worked for you but there would be many men who felt, entirely justifiably, that they had been tricked into something against their will.

[imip]

OnlyMe, are you sure you are not me!!?? I could have written this post myself. And you have forced me out of lurking on Mumsnet for over four years! I'm in exactly the same position. 40 in a couple of months, three girls under five and a great partner, who is a great father, who's not so keen on getting pregnant again. For all the reasons you describe, plus the fact that pregnancy REALLY does not become me. Nine months of constant morning sickness, I need a cervical stitch, I put on about 20 kilos with constant eating to battle the morning sickness - I'm a useless pregnant women!

But I just cannot let this go. I feel our family would be complete with other baby. I'll need a c-section and am willing to be sterilised at the same time. My complicating factor is that I am still breastfeeding dd3 who is 13 months. No sign of a period and I am basically on 1/2 feeds a day. My period has always returned a few days after giving up. I've delayed it all for a good reason. My first daughter was stillborn (so I do actually have four beautiful dds) and getting pregnant now would result in a due date around her birthday. I just wanted to let her have her space. So, in a couple of weeks I would like to finish bf and start ttc. I don't particularly want to go past 40 in all of this (for various reasons, I've been at this lark for a while and intially we had a lot of infertilty so we've been at this baby-making business for about 8 yrs).So, if I am not pregnant by september, I will be eternally grateful for what I have got and move on with life. But I need to try for the next few months - I don't want to have any regrets...

Added to the equation, all our family live on the other side of the world - so it is a bit hard doing this all on our own! Will watch this thread with interest...

[OnlyMe1971]

Thanks for the replies.
Jugofwildflowers am laughing at your suggestion but I'm afraid we're being terribly careful, as well as not really getting a chance to have much of that kind of thing nowadays really if you catch my drift. He is a fantastic father and we often talk about this issue and he doesn't get angry or annoyed, he is just very loving towards me and understanding of how I feel, but he honestly just thinks it would be too much.
Part of me feels this too and totally agrees but I'm afraid my maternal instinct kicks in now and again and almost knocks me over it's so strong.
I could and would not ever trick dh into anything. All of our decisions are made jointly and this is a decision for us that is far too important to play around with.
So imip, here's another thing we have in common. Our families don't live where we are either, and it takes more than a plane and a ferry to get to where they are, so we have zero family support.
All of my friends here are in the same boat, so no support there either really.
I think if we did decide to go again, we would get an Au Pair.

I also hated being pregnant and was a grumpy moody pregnant person. Barely gave DH the time of day when I was pregnant.
DH by the way is almost 6 years younger than I am...
I just think he is done with babies, nappies, toddler tantrums...
I totally get it but on the other hand I don't.
I am thinking maybe if I find a new focus like go back to school/university, change career, then I might be able to move past this burning desire.

Hopefully.

[jugofwildflowers]

get some pets instead then. As I never got the 5th my home and garden is crammed with donkeys, puppies, ponies, ducklings etc!

[OnlyMe1971]

Gosh no thanks, we already have a dog, that's more than enough animals for us! Good for you though, you are obviously a huge animal lover : )

[FairyBasslet]

I sympathise totally OP. I have three - 7, 5 and 2 and would love another. DH says no. It has tortured me for a year and a half now and I have tried on numerous occasions to persuade DH but to no avail. (I have to say that I did move the goalposts as I originally wanted three and had to battle to get DC3 as DH wasn't so keen!)

He, like your DH sees it as going backwards, that we are too old (I was 38 in January and DH will be 38 in August) and therefore risks are higher, that one more would dilute the attention the others get, that holidays would be even harder, and, probably most importantly, that he feels he hardly has enough time to spend with them as it is (we run our own business and DH is VERY VERY busy and away quite a bit so that to be honest, I operate pretty much as a single parent quite a lot of the time).

I understand all of those reasons to some extent but there's this compulsion in me to have another which I can't quite silence. I don't feel old at all - what keeps you younger than having children anyway? I understand the higher risks but risk is part of pregnancy in any case and I know many many 'older' mums who have managed with no problems - it is a risk I'd be willing to take.

The only reason I can just about see some sense in is the hours he works, but I see that as a temporary issue (hopefully) and meanwhile my clock is ticking... In any case I truly believe the children have quantity time with me but have real quality time with DH. I also believe the children would benefit greatly and love having another sibling.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I have to say I'm just about coming to terms with the fact that we'll be a family of 5 not 6, but every now and again I have an overpowering rush of desire to introduce another little person into the world.

Good luck to all those who want their DC4. I hope you are more persuasive than I have managed to be...

[rosyleecupoftea]

My dh really didnt want 4 children. He would have been happy with 2! And logically I could see all the arguments against having anymore. But I was absolutely desperate to have another baby and when you feel that way logic doesnt really come into it! Initially I tried really hard to convince myself that I didnt want anymore, I even got rid of all my maternity clothes. But I just wasnt happy and after 2 years of me trying to persuade him my dh he finally agreed. I think he got fed up of me crying every time we talked about it and generally being an emotional hormonal wreck. He said in the end he just wanted me to be happy and if that meant having another baby then he was willing. I think he also realised that it wasnt just a phase and that I would always long for another one.
We now have ds age 10, dd 1 age 8, dd2 5and a half and dd3 23 months. He loves and adores all of them. DD 3 is a real character and makes us all laugh. Its evened everything up, and dd's 2 and 3 are great buddies.
So I think if you really really want another then try your absolute hardest to persuade him. You wont regret it, but you may regret it if you dont.

[BadRoly]

I love having 4 and so does dh but he took some persuading. Our 3rd was/is an absolute dream so that helped convince him that a 4th would be ok. However the pregnancy and first few monthes with no4 was fairly horrific due to health scares and indeed he has got heart deformities. We have said many a time that we would not be without him but he did break us both and made us very happy to stop at 4.

If it helps with your "arguement" - I agreed with dh that we would set a time limit. We agreed that he would go and have a vasectomy either when I was pg with no4 or after I turned 35. I was 6weeks pg on my 35th birthday. I think having a deadline focussed his mind in the "now or never" stakes!

[OnlyMe1971]

Thanks badroly. I would love a 4th. Still.
Just recently I thought I actually might be pregnant.
We have been using protection but the last time we had sex, DH only put on a condom after we had already been having sex for a while (sorry for TMI but we both prefer to make love without one) and then my period was late and I was having all sorts of phantom symptoms so got an idea into my head that maybe fate had intervened and I got my wish.
Period came though, and I was bitterly disappointed and cried buckets.
SO silly of me, because I know it would have been madness, but it's just this irrepressible urge that every now and again just overwhelms me.
I just feel I have another baby in me.
DH was non committal but understanding when we talked it through.
He said if I had been, he would of course have felt it was meant to be and he would have felt blessed that we might have another baby.
So I guess if we had an accident or got carried away and it happene,d then it would be okay. But there is no way he will consciously try for a 4th baby.
Since last week when I got my period, I have been thinking about it constantly.

I'm going to really try and pull myself together though as life is getting a bit easier now and so I just want to try and enjoy it for what it is.

We shall see....

[threecurrantbuns]

op you sound like me! I too have been wondering if im pregnant feeling dizzy and sick etc (i am on the pill though) and came on today.

I cant stop thinking about a fourth but at the same time dont want to want one if that makes any sense.

3 under 4 has been hard and fab too. Things seem to be easier now dc3 is 14mth but im sstill tired alot dont get anything done, and dispite constantly thinking of a four im not sure i would cope or we could afford...in the latter years!

I which i could switch off the baby switch lol

[OldishMotherHubbard]

I also could have written above posts! I have DD1 aged 5 and DTs aged 2. Last year we had an unplanned pregnancy and my DH was really upset about it, and I have to say I wondered how we would manage. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, but now I can't stop thinking about having a 4th child.
Is terrible - every time I see a new baby (Lots of friends had babies around the same time I would have had my no 4) I start crying!
I never imagined I would feel like this!

[Sarraburd]

Likewise posts above really resonating - would dearly love a fourth but dh not keen - says it would be too much, life v comfortable how we are, the three we have all wonderful (and tbh dd2 has just gone through a couple of open heart ops - is now fine but also feel maybe chancing it as we have been so lucky so far). I would never ever force it on him but he has said if there were an accident of course we would do it. So that's my prayer!

But am one of five and bro3 has just discovered wife accidentally pregnant. Has really upped my broodiness as wouldn't it be sooo lovely to have cousins a similar age..! Broodbroodbrood.

[NonnoMum]

Anyone want to swap husbands? MY DH keeps asking when we are having our 4th? And I'm the one who is trying to balance the finances/realises that DC3 wiped our all our savings/gave us grey hairs and too may wrinkes!!

Apparently someone at his work came in with a newborn the other day...

[imip]

My dh has basically said much the same as yours rosyleecupoftea. That he would rather another baby than me being depressed or unfulfilled. So the quest for dc4 begins. But I've given myself til September/Oct and then I think I'll give up and be very happy with what I have... I'm 40 next month, so once the edd would fall after my 41st birthday, that's it. Am really hoping it does happen before than as I am sure I will find it hard to 'move on' otherwise.

[inni]

hi ladies!! happy to see that more like me fighting this irge to become a mum once again. I have 3 DCs, DS 5,5, DD1 almost 4 and DD2 2y. Im 34. I cant stop thinking I want another one but Dh, although loves our 3 kids and is a great dad, doesn't really want to start all over again. Im telling to myself what will i feel if I dont have another one? will i be happy? will i regret it? He has told me to let pass a few months to see if he gets used to the idea so we could star TTC but he more into a No than a Yes. My eldest asks me for another sister as he loves the funny things the little one does. We dont use any contraception but try to be careful and I think i might be PG or is my mind playing tricks on me. My AF should come between today and the 10th so Im really scare cons although I would love to be PG I dont know how DH will react and Im 100% against abortion if its not for medical reasons.
I just dont really understand why men are not keen to have more is not like they are delivering them or looking after them the first 6 months of breastfeeding. I mean they have it quite easy w the kids

[buttonmoon78]

Inni a bit tbh.

If you're not using contraception then I'd suggest your dh is not that against having another. If you fell pg and then had an abortion having not used contraception (under these particular circs) I'd be really cross. Abortion is not a first port of call contraception!

And whilst men don't deliver babies or bf or anything, they (IME) do have a lot to do with them. I think we're a bit tough on dads these days - we expect them to be masculine yet in touch with their feminine side, bring home the bacon (if we become SAHM) yet take lots of responsibility at home etc. It's taken centuries for men to be involved, I agree, but their role nowadays must be quite confusing!

[inni]

I agree w u buttonm about the difficulty of the father to work and share his little free time w the kids. U sounded really offended w my post hope that's not the case didnt mean to.
We are not using anti-conception cos I'm not totally closed to the idea of having another one but he is the logic one and needs to think about everyth around the issue of having to do so many changes if happens. I guess if I get pg DH will just need some time to get used to the idea but for sure will love it. I meant before that w my other 3 was totally planned and now (if I am) is not so will be a bigger challenge.

[buttonmoon78]

No, not offended just find it really odd that your dh is not taking any interest in preventing another pg yet you are worried about his reaction if you're pg

If you're not using anything then it may well not be planned, but you can't really say it's unplanned IYSWIM?

[inni]

I never thought about it that way but you are right . what is your situation buttonm if you don't mind me asking? just curious

[buttonmoon78]

3 dcs currently (13, 11 and 4). Nearly 33wks with dc4. Definitely the last though!

[inni]

really happy for u, hope everyth goes really well for the rest of ur pg. How was the decision of going for the 4th. I know we would have to make some adjustments like bigger car and finally reunite the second part of our flat that we r currently renting, but I would love 4. My 3DCs are under 6 though so a bit of hard work there and no family around so makes it harder.

[buttonmoon78]

Yes - I know what you mean about no family. Mine and his are waaay away so can't be of any use. And dh works away most weeks so I'm effectively on my own most of the time.

It was a tough decision as it is life changing in terms of cars etc, and I had a bad time with #3 but 3dcs didn't work for us and we felt the regret at not doing it would be worse than the hassle of changing all the things which need changing!

[CherryPie3]

Fairybasslet - you could absolutely be me! We have 3, dh not keen on having 3rd. Gave in after many tears on my part.
Now I want another and I'm scared to even suggest it.

[FairyBasslet]

CherryPie3 - good luck to you! As I said, I've all but given up. Still mention it occasionally, but no progress, and I'm fairly certain that unless DH has some sort of brainstorm then it's not going to happen now

I hope you have more luck.