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Urdu speaking mum

(30 Posts)
Pomi Wed 04-May-05 14:50:03

Any urdu speaking mum there? Pakistani or Indian maybe. Like to have a chat.

march29 Wed 04-May-05 15:13:18

yes. i speak urdu. from pakistan

Pomi Wed 04-May-05 15:22:08

Hi march29,

Thank God any Pakistani mum use this site. My husmand was telling me that they do not need this site as they get the advice in joint family. How long you been in this country?

march29 Wed 04-May-05 17:57:27

nearly 4 years but before that i kept coming and goiing i was born here
lived most of my life in dubai. how about you?
where are u from? tell me about yourself.

Pomi Thu 05-May-05 16:01:36

Have a Pakistani Origion, came in this country four years ago after my marriage and now have two lovly kids 16 and 5 months old who keep me busy all day. How many you have? What do you do?

You said that you are Pakistani, for the first time I heard someone who is British national saying that. DH being born here calls himself Britsh.

Do u go to Pakistan often? Which part of it you belong to? I am from Sargodha. Been there?

stitch Thu 05-May-05 16:18:24

hi pomi,
im from pakistan too. never been to sargodha, though dad used to go there a lot. i was brought up in the middle east as well.
tell your husband that all mums need help and advice. and the joint family system he is thinking of only exists in villages, and only if you are very very lucky!

stitch Thu 05-May-05 16:18:59

with 11 months between your babies you must have your hands full

Pomi Thu 05-May-05 16:33:58

Hi stitch
I think u do not know much Pakistani families as joint family system exists here in London as well. I know a family with three sons and three DIL living togther under one roof. I lived with my in-laws for three years.

stitch Thu 05-May-05 16:36:17

pomi, sadly i know too much about joint family systems. and i know just how unsupportive they are.
i have seen a great many people purporting to be living in a happy joint family in this country, but i have never seen one in which people really were happy or content, or give advice from the bottom of their hearts.

stitch Thu 05-May-05 16:40:16

a pakistani friend of mine, who is a doctor, was told my her mil that she was there to serve them. her husband moved for a job a hundred miles away, but mil wouldnt let her move. ended in divorce.
a cousin of mine was unable to breastfeed as her mil made her feel guilty that she was not cooking for the family when she was giving her baby breastmilk.
another woman, who worked like a slave for her in laws fainted from exhaustion, and no one called an ambulance because they couldnt be bothered. her five year old son got the neighbours. she spent two days in hospital.
i had loads of negative experiences as well.

obviously these are the worst, but i have not seen one joint family in this country in which people support, love and respect each other.
that has been my experience. i hope you have had a more positive experience.

march29 Thu 05-May-05 18:08:59

wow....those really are bad examples!!! thankfully i have never really had any such experiences so i can't say but have had joint family experience and always positive. i have been married 1 1/2 years and have one great son.
i don't go to pakistan that regularly but when do go go to karachi.

stitch Thu 05-May-05 18:38:12

as i said, those are only the really bad ones i have mentioned.
ive never met anyone who has been happy in a joint family system. it would be novel to do so.
i tend to go to lahore as my sis lives there. but i have family all over, and do visit them

Pomi Fri 06-May-05 15:03:44

Stitch, You mentioned the drawbacks of joint family I agree with you. Though some people tell that they are happy but i think they just lie and hide the facts.

You did not tell your experience but i tell you mine. Me and my mil lived togther like strangers. she used to go out a lot while i remaind at home cooking and cleaning. She never looked after ds1 or give even a single peice of advice. She also did not want me to breast feed... ecouraged me to put the bottle in his mouth while doing house work. So many other things to say but want to know your experience first.

When is the last time you went to Pakistan? Do you like Lahore? what do you do there?

stitch Fri 06-May-05 15:08:51

i love lahore. but then i dont know if its because i am with my sister or if it is also the city i love. i grew up in saudi arabia and i used to think it was the country that i loved, but now realise it is because my trips back there are to my parents home that is why i enjoy it so much. iyswim.
i havent been back for a year and a half now, actually more, it was august 2003 that i went. my dh went in the christmas holidays. but with three children, not only is it difficult to go, but also very expensive.

stitch Fri 06-May-05 15:16:25

my mil and dh sisters didnt like me from before we got married. they were nasty to me, but not in an obvious way. for example, my mil would insist on doing the cooking herself, but blame me for not doing it.. or clean a room after i had cleaned it, just to make out that i was terrible at cleaning. also i got pregnant straight away, and she was always making things that would make me even more nasuous. i didnt realise at the time because i am stupid, it was only later i realised.
when ds was 17 months, i started working. she would cook for dh, but then make out how terrible a woman iwas for making her do the cooking. she would also leave heaadless chickens lying in the kitchen when i came home, as she knew i wouldnt eat anything after i saw them.
and all the time she would be whispering in my dh ear about how terrible i was to her.
she also did not help out at all with my baby. gave no advice or help. i had to pay a fortune to a childminder, and my dh thought i was being evil for not letting his mom look after our baby. she would walk past him crying on the stairs, whilst i was vaccuuming her house. etc etc
alhamdullilah we moved out after two and a half years. she didnt talk to tme for two years. but now she does see the children if we take them to her. the only times she has been to our house to see themis when i was in labour!
your mil sounds like mine!

Pomi Fri 06-May-05 15:44:42

I really want to go to Pakistan but very difficult with two young kids cannot go on my own with them while dh can go only for a short period. DH is totally against the idea that i stay a few months there with kids. To him he would miss them growing up and learning new things. I agree with him as there is no option for me at the moment. It sounds more expensive if you are going there for a short period.

stitch Fri 06-May-05 20:17:38

it is expensive, but its better than not going isnt it?
try to go for a couple of weeks at leaset. that way you will get to see your family, and he wont miss out on the children.

Pomi Sat 07-May-05 13:27:04

Going to Pakistan for a couple of weeks... couple of months souds not enough for me anyway...

How many children you have and of what age? Do you work or... How do you spend your time with them?

Pomi Sat 07-May-05 13:34:12

Stitch, Why did your mil and sil hate you from the begining? Were they againgst this marriage? Was yours a love marriage?

My mil used to love me before marriage but soon after i noticed signs of jeaously as dh used to show too much love and affaction infront of everyone. I think he went too far in taking my side in every matter.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 07-May-05 14:04:29

Hi Pomi I speak urdu, though my parents are form India.
I think there are quite a few mums around who are asian on here....

stitch Sat 07-May-05 14:25:08

i used to think it was because of me, or because i am not from the ame place as dh. or because, yes we had what is often called a love marriage even though parents arranged it.
but now i realise it is nothing to do with any of that. they would have hated whoever he was married to. but then i am older and wiser now. and can look at the situation objectively

Pomi Sat 07-May-05 21:33:36

I know there are quite a few asian mums here but not the particular I am looking for as no one aswered my question i asked in multicultural.

ameli Sun 15-May-05 03:01:43

Hi guys

im a pakistani mum married to and indian guy. He is a brilliant husband and i got to agree that the in laws are hard work. Although what we all have to realise is that it takes effort and communication on both sides for everyone to get along. Im not saying that the relationship with mil is perfect, i try, sometimes i feel like i cant try enough. Then at other times i remember that its easier to be kinder to someone than hold grudges in your heart. Ultimately, it will affect you and your partner. The biggest problem with asian culture is this competition between the females in the family, do you agree? WHY DO WOMEN FEEL INSECURE EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE WONDERERFUL PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM IN THEIR LIFE? i AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE,I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT EVERY PERSON HAS KINDNESS AND COMPASSION WITHIN THEM,MAYBE EVEN MIL.? WE JUST HAVE TO BE PATIENT AND YOUR RIGHT, THE LIVING IN EACH OTHERS POCKET THING DOES NOT WRK HERE, PERSONALLY I THINK COUPLES NEED PRIVACY FOR THE SAKE OF THE MARRIAGE. how does it wrk in pakistan ? do they get on better?

Pomi Wed 18-May-05 23:40:08

Its nice to here from you emeli. I agree What you said about the compition among females. But it is not easy to kind to those people who had disapointed you or given you a hard time. It is also true that we have to treat them nicely for our parner's sake but it is not something from our heart.
You asked about the situation in Pakistan, looks like you never been there. I think it is worse there. But if i start telling you the reasons then i think you would not be able to do your kitchen Work and your mil...

ameli Fri 20-May-05 02:16:29

hi pomi,

Kitchen wrk? does your mil like ure cookin i have five sis in laws including me n believe me its been tough trying to forgive when they hurt me. its really hard, i dont live with them i mean im not even in same twn ,feel like outta tiuch with everyone cos of this. How mny kids u gt?hw do tou find the mil with your kids? i hope u nt takin offence to anythin i said , n like i said im nt one to judge im talkin bout my own struggles...please tell me bout the situation over in pakistan india/im curious . they seem to have more love for this whole family unit/

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