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How do your partners cope with not being able to have children?

(3 Posts)
ChaiTea1 Wed 22-Apr-20 10:40:30

Hi all,

A little background to my story, my DH and I have been trying for our first baby for 5years. I have PCOS so decided to do IVF. I started last year and my first transfer failed but my second one stuck. Sadly, I miscarried at around 10weeks in December. We were meant to be starting our next FET a few weeks ago but as the clinics shut that’s on hold.

My DH has always been the strongest person I’ve known, he’s the one that’s always had to pick me up when I’ve been at my lowest. Last week his best friend announced that him and his wife are expecting a baby and it’s basically tipped us both over the edge - we’re both so happy for them I would never wish infertility on anyone but so so so sad for us. Since the news my DH hasn’t been sleeping well and we’ve been trying naturally too but he’s finding it difficult in the bedroom.
This morning he completely broke down and told me that he’s just finding us not being able to have children so hard. The miscarriage that I had, he still thinks about everyday. He looks at the empty corners of our home and thinks how that should be filled with kids toys. He feels that our life has just stopped and everyone around us are moving on.
I’m sad that he couldn’t tell me this sooner. I’m also angry that I feel like I’ve been very much ‘me,me,me’. We spoke about doing therapy together and perhaps he could do some sessions on his own.

I just want to know how you cope with infertility with your partners. How do they deal with it? Any advice on how I could approach this with my husband?

Sorry for the long post!

JeNeBaguetteRien Sat 25-Apr-20 18:03:22

We had a session with a counsellor after first failed IVF. They said although we were processing the same 'event' how we do that could be different at times, and that is okay.
It has been hard, I've seen DH very low and sad. He was so upset a few days after failed IVF, it was horrible and I won't forget his poor sad face.
We sometimes babysit for friends who go on about what a great dad he would make which is obviously meant as a compliment but it hurts.
He usually deals better with baby bombs than I do (I can do happy poker face but then crumple later). He's been very supportive through IVF, though obviously treatment is paused for now.
Everyone is different, I think keep the communication between you open, look into therapy but make sure they know about infertility and pregnancy loss.
Some counsellors are working online, does your clinic offer any? 💐

ChaiTea1 Sat 25-Apr-20 19:15:15

Thanks @JeNeBaguetteRien! flowers
Sorry your first round failed, I understand what you mean about seeing your husbands face. I was like that this week, I hate to see him so sad.
He’s been a lot more better these past few days after he opened up. I think this was eating up inside him and he just needed to let it all out. I’ve contacted two therapists, waiting to hear back from them to know if either of them could help.

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