How to get through this?

[Eggling]

Long term lurker but I very rarely post. Bit nervous about posting this thread tbh. First of all I just want to say thank you to everyone on the infertility board for being a valuable source of information, and how sorry I am that you're all on this shitty journey as well.

DH and I were supposed to have our first ivf appointment yesterday. Obviously we knew it would be cancelled so receiving a text to confirm that on Tuesday wasn't much of a shock. I've been upset about the whole situation (yes it's selfish, yes it's necessary to lockdown etc etc) but had managed to get it under control and was feeling fairly pragmatic. On 5th round of clomid so my focus was on trying not to get my hopes up this month. AF due at some point in the next few days.

Last night a close friend messaged to say she was pregnant, had first scan yesterday. I know for a fact that they only started trying in jan so must have caught first time, and also know that she wasn't broody at all and agreed to try assuming it would take a while. I was kind of expecting it but it's really hit me hard. It just seems so unfair. DH is struggling too. It's the latest in a string of pregnancy announcements that is likely to grow longer over the next few months.

I know that lots of other people are probably in, or have been in, the same position. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this? I can't stop crying. I'm being horrible to DH. I feel like I must be a terrible person and I'm being punished in some way. I know that sounds ridiculous. I just can't see a way out of this horrible, lonely pain at the moment. Terrified of when AF arrives in a few days, which is always hideous anyway. I'm expecting nhs ivf won't be resuming anytime soon, if at all, but obviously there's no information coming from them. The uncertainty and complete lack of timeline is exacerbating everything too.

Does anyone have any advice or tips to help me pull myself together? I promise I'm usually relatively stable and not this self-absorbed!

Thanks for reading if you've made it to the end.

[Matilda128]

I'm really sorry to read about your distress. It's such an awful situation and your pain and horror is shared by many women. I'm sorry I don't have any real good tips but the only thing I wanted to suggest is that you try to stop feeling selfish. You are not selfish for being in pain and feeling anxious about your future. You can care about so many people being ill due to the Corona virus AND grieve for your personal loss. Maybe allowing yourself to feel and deal with your sadness helps. Apply self care- do some things that are pleasurable and distracting (which is hard in isolation but perhaps a home pampering session or a day binge watching with nice food). I've been dealing with infertility for a long time now and for me if I put the sadness off and punish myself- it takes much longer to feel ok again. Take care! Xxx

[Eggling]

Thank you, sorry you are in this situation too. Xx

[Scotgirl1]

Hi Eggling

I have been TTC 18 months and was at the top of the waiting list ready to start my consent appointments when all was cancelled. It’s a horrible situation to be in. We are all in it together and I think that is the reason I am coping. I hear people going to scans alone / giving birth alone due to the virus and it sounds awful. Hoping we get through this sooner rather than later.

I’ve dealt with a number of pregnancy announcements and it doesn’t get any easier for me. I think I’ve cried every time so I know exactly how you feel. For me, the bump is worse than the baby. Be compassionate to yourself and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your feelings. Come off social media or hide certain people that are making you feel upset. Take the time to be upset and then remember that you are on your own journey and try not to compare it to anyone else’s. Hopefully one day we will all get there 😊 xx

[MissHoney85]

It is horrible. I'm in between my two NHS cycles, was planning to start again this month. I turn 35 this month so I feel like time is ticking away. My best friend is also 6 months pregnant (accidentally, about a week into starting a new relationship) which I'm finding really hard to deal with. I don't think there is any answer really, it's just one of many really shitty things going on at the moment. Try not to feel bad for feeling sorry for yourself over it, it's a massive thing. Just because other people are also in a bad/worse situation, doesn't make ours any less real. I guess acceptance and patience is all we can hope for.

[Eggling]

@Scotgirl1 that must be so frustrating. I know what you mean about the bump being worse than the baby. I'm already avoiding looking at friends with baby bumps when we're doing group video chats. It's horrible but it's so painful to see.

@MissHoney85 I'm sorry to hear you're going through that with your best friend. It's such a terrible mix of emotions. My friend is the loveliest person ever and in any normal situation I'd be thrilled for her but I'm just so upset it's not me.

Thank you all for your kind words xx

[LottieDot]

@Eggling I could have wrote your post! 2yrs ttc, 5th cycle of clomid, were going for IVF after the 6th cycle, and just had a big baby bomb from someone whose only just started trying. I cant stop crying, feel sick, honestly I dont know how I'm going to get through this. Sorry I dont have any advice but know you're not alone.

[Eggling]

@LottieDot I'm sorry you're in the same situation! It's hideous isn't it. I'm feeling on more of an even keel now than I was on Friday - I think the 'shock' has worn off - but I'm still trying not to think about it too much as I'll just cry. It just feels so unfair. Take care of yourself and I hope you feel a little brighter soon xx

[LottieDot]

@Eggling thank you! It's so awful, and then the guilt of the reaction too. I'm glad you feel a bit better about it all, I'm sure I will soon. Take care too xx

[Chicasimona]

Hi @Eggling, I could have written your post myself same emotions. How are you feeling? I stopped social media and stopped talking to friends with kids because it made me angry and sad so trust me you are not alone. Any news from your clinic?

[Eggling]

Hi @Chicasimona, sorry to hear you're feeling blue. I've had some ups and downs over the past couple of months - no news from our nhs clinic so we decided to go private which has been helpful as they've been really on it and I'm hoping to start injections this week 🤞 it's scary (financially as well as generally) but we decided it was worth it for the mental aspect of getting things moving.

I've come round to the idea of that particular friend expecting, although obviously we haven't met up in person yet! Group zooms have been a bit tricky as sometimes just the mention of a pregnancy sends me doolally, so I've skipped a few of those. I did manage to knit some baby boots for another friends new arrival and "meet" the baby via zoom though! I think as a pp said, the pregnancy can be worse than the baby.

I think it's ok if you need to wallow sometimes. Infertility is so shit. But things do seem a bit brighter now, at least most of the time, and I hope they do for you too soon

[Pinkbunny2811]

I'm sorry you ladies are feeling like this. It's awful and nothing anyone says makes it better.

I get the part about feeling guilty for getting upset at someone else's joy. One of my best friends had a coil in and is now more than half way through her pregnancy. Although I'm happy for her I can't help being upset and jealous.

Someone who has a newborn told me the other day that they conceived first month...and did so with their first as well. I had to walk away and have a little cry. It's so unfair and frustrating. The current situation is making things so much worse and I'm considering going private too.

I keep seeing people having babies that don't care about their welfare and that's killing me.

We got new kittens recently and one was a bit poorly this morning so she had a bath and I swaddled her and for a minute it didn't all feel so bad.

I really hope we can all continue on our journeys sooner rather than later and there will be some joy for us. Good luck ladies!