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Dealing with failure

(35 Posts)
Buffy101 Wed 19-Feb-20 09:37:40

Does anyone have any tips on dealing with IVF failure? I'm feeling really sad at the moment. I found out my second go at IVF failed last week. I thought I would bounce back as I got myself into a really positive headspace before this second go. But now all I think is maybe it isn't going to work for me. I'm 37 and feel like time is running out but at this moment trying again feels too scary.

LividLaughLovely Wed 19-Feb-20 09:40:18

Does your clinic have a counsellor?

You might have to pay but it's invaluable.

EarlGreyT Wed 19-Feb-20 11:38:41

Sorry to hear your cycle wasn’t successful.
I don’t have any tips to deal with it, as I don't think I ever dealt with it very well. I dealt with it with a mixture of sadness, frustration and anger. Sometimes I found thinking about what we would do next helped me feel less helpless about it all. Or sometimes I tried to console myself with wine, large amounts of blue unpasteurised cheese and planned something completely non ivf related (like a holiday or a meal out somewhere amazing).

I did also see the clinic counsellor and rant to her which actually sometimes helped a lot.

NRW39 Wed 19-Feb-20 12:45:53

@Buffy1016
Sorry to hear about your last cycle. IVF is the F***ing pits.

You never in your wildest imaginings dreamed it would be littered with so much hope, sadness, madness and disappointment, but unfortunately it does!

As the other posters have said counselling has been beyond helpful. I'm currently having couples IVF with my partner and therapy on my own. I've found it so helpful.

After my first miscarriage and two failed cycles back to back, we booked ourselves a 5* holiday we couldn't afford. I do not regret it. (we're self funded) to Rhodes and it was amazing: we lay out in the sun, I drank for the first time in a year and basically ate everything in my path. It was so lovely. We also decided not to talk about IVF whilst we were away and it was great- I felt normal.

Everyone is different and everyone copes with this in different ways. Some people throw themselves into work, some take a break or get signed off. I've done it all. You kinda have to muddle through what works for you. But in the meantime allow yourself to feel all the range of emotion. Let it all out. I speak from experience.

Keep the faith. You're 37 and there are good stats in your age group. There is absolutely hope.

I'm 40 and had my second miscarriage in December. I'm starting my 5th cycle next month, which will be an FET- my first! I don't know how I managed to have an embryo good enough to freeze.

Wishing you the best of luck. I Know it hurts. Big hug x

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Wed 19-Feb-20 17:32:01

Do you plan on doing any more cycles?

I'm just about to start 5th cycle next week but froze embryos from cycles 3 and 4 without transferring so we could pick from the best of the bunch - I dealt with the disappointment of two failed cycles and 3 transfers last year by........taking a loan out for more! 🤦‍♀️

I'm not sure how I'm going to feel if these next few transfers fail. I THINK I'm naturally at the point where I'm ready to stop and move on and looking forward to having money (and time!) to do fun things without this hanging over us. But before I embarked on this final push I wasn't quite ready (maybe because at the back of my mind I knew I could just about afford one final go)

Buffy101 Wed 19-Feb-20 19:21:24

Thanks ladies. IVF truly is one hell of an emotional roller-coaster.

I'm sorry @NRW39 for your second miscarriage. I had one last year too. I hope you're looking after yourself. I think this failure has brought up a lot of the emotions again from when I miscarried. But FET is easier in comparison to a live transfer /egg retrieval so good luck with that x

Buffy101 Wed 19-Feb-20 19:25:51

Hi @itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I have one frozen Embryo. Its a grade 3BC so not sure if it would work with that.

Gosh when might you try and transfer again? I have everything crossed for you. Hopefully you will have lots of great embryos to choose from x

NRW39 Wed 19-Feb-20 19:33:51

Thank you @Buffy101. I am looking after myself x. It was only a few months ago, and 3 weeks before Christmas; which was utterly shit. I'm not really doing too much looking back and I'm heading into Cycle 5 feeling ok...

Violet180 Wed 19-Feb-20 22:01:20

@NRW39
I just noticed from your post that we are at the exact same stage.
I am heading into a 5th cycle, my first frozen transfer.
I have had to miscarriages in a row the last one being in December.
Only difference is that I am 41 so a year older.
I would love to hear how you go with your transfer. I am just hoping that something will be different about the frozen transfer process that will make this work for me.

Bee369 Wed 19-Feb-20 23:47:15

@Buffy101 sorry to hear about your experience. I’m also second go just found out it failed today. Was also feeling really positive going in to it! I find solace in shared experience on here (none of us are alone!) and hopefully some direction from the clinic. Exercise plus nice food and wine on the menu for me this week!! Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to feel all the emotions as they come. It’s just one more step, I felt rubbish after the first attempt ended in miscarriage, but still got round to feeling positive for this one. Even though we both feel rubbish right now I’m trying to remind myself that won’t be the case forever xx

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 20-Feb-20 07:17:13

Failure is so hard. We had 4 failures - 3 fresh. One feT

We said we would stop after 2nd fresh failure and none to freeze

But like many we Licked our wounds and saved borrowed and carried on and again more failure

To give hope our 5th private worked - fet from 3rd cycle

Had an era and said needed more progynova

And Next fef I took for longer. Much longer as away on holiday but that worked and gave birth ag nearly 44 , tho eggs were from me at 42.5

I wish you all the luck

Failure devastated us but we said we would keep trying till all our frozen left had been used - that would have been 8 attempts in all

NRW39 Thu 20-Feb-20 07:49:52

Hi @Violet180
I have been hoping to connect with someone who is at a similar stage/similar experience, so that's great. We must keep in touch! x

P.s When do you start?

Violet180 Thu 20-Feb-20 07:59:08

@NRW39 Yes let's keep in touch smile I am on cyclogest and estradiol pills and my frozen transfer is booked for Monday. I'm having one transferred. Then will have to start the new and dreaded prontogest injections.

NRW39 Thu 20-Feb-20 08:03:47

@Violet180 oh, you're ahead of me. I Hope it all goes well on Monday. Fingers crossed for you and sending positive vibes your way x Speak soon. star

EL8888 Thu 20-Feb-20 21:44:20

Really not sure? Our first (double) transfer failed which was a new low for us. We have 3 embryos in the freezer, this year we need to find the money and motivation to transfer them. Maybe some counselling?, it’s never really helped me and I’ve refused to do anymore -it’s more wasted time and money for me. Lots of self care and trying to be more kind to yourself

Youngatheart00 Sat 22-Feb-20 19:56:07

Thought I’d read this thread in search of the answer!

This is our last round of IVF ( excluding FET, if we are lucky enough to have anything to freeze). I am hoping and praying it works but honestly there is a niggle in the back of my mind that just wants it to be over, either way, so I can move on with my life. If it comes to it, coming to terms with a permanently childless life will be very tough, but so is the uncertainty.

Bee369 Sun 23-Feb-20 06:34:01

@Youngatheart00 I know what you mean, I find the limbo of fertility treatment to be almost the most challenging part! Hate feeling Life is on hold. I have found work, mini breaks, exercise and meditation helps and often write down how I feel just to get it out! Xx

blackskyatnight Sun 23-Feb-20 07:43:18

It's so hard to go through it all, put everything you've got in physically and emotionally and then...nothing. Back you go to work or whatever as if it never happened. Surreal and devastating all at once.

We did the same as a pp and went away on some nice holidays. Tricky when you feel like you could be spending the money in more IVF but it did us the world of good just to get off the treadmill for a bit.

It also helped me to try to understand why it might not have worked - I'm a scientifically minded problem solver! It gave me more of a sense of control over something that felt so overwhelming. For us we had worse embryos in early rounds so they played around with the stim drugs. I did end up with OHSS but at least we got some better embryos. Then later it was about them sticking so I took so much progesterone (injection, tablets, pessaries in everywhere) that I was probably 87% progesterone!

We did get there in the end and it was worth all the heartache. I don't know if I'd have had a cut off. I think DH would have. I have friends who said they would go 10 times before they gave up. I think it's important whatever you decide that you and your partner are on the same page. It can really take its toll on your relationship if not.

spacegirl123 Sun 23-Feb-20 08:47:16

@Buffy101 I'm so sorry ❤ as others have said, counselling has been invaluable to me. I would investigate with your clinic. Also, exercise has given me something to focus on. Take care of yourself 😘

Wesstywoo Sun 23-Feb-20 10:15:02

It's certainly a tough road - I find it a bit like dealing with grief, some days are good, some not so good and that's ok. I've found not putting things on hold has helped - still booking holidays etc. I had a failed round in December and I've had to get straight on with planning the next cycle (low AMH so no time to wait) which has also helped. As has sharing the experience with the lovely ladies on here who have been no end of support. Big hugs OP xx

Buffy101 Sun 23-Feb-20 22:26:35

Thanks for all your comments everyone. I wish there was an easy fix. I'm prone to anxiety /depression so all this isn't really helping with that. But it's good to know I'm not alone x

Bee369 Wed 26-Feb-20 15:39:22

Can I ask you guys if you’ve ever been given any reasons or explanations for why embryos don’t take? I’m really struggling with ‘it’s just one of those things’ x

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 26-Feb-20 16:16:48

Sadly it is one of those things

If they knew why then every ivf would work

Tho mine helped by having an era and ended up having more progynova

Did that make a diff ? Was the only cycle that worked and was my 5th

Bee369 Wed 26-Feb-20 17:02:06

Thank you... I’m driving myself mad wondering if it’s the massive migraine I got on the day of transfer!! What’s era sorry?

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 26-Feb-20 20:35:36

Endometrial Receptivity Analysis (ERA), is a genetic test that takes a small sample of a woman's endometrial lining to determine which day would be the best day to transfer the embryo during an IVF cycle.

Clinics often advise having an era after 3 failed

It’s a mock cycle where they take a sample of lining

era

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