Tonight I feel defeated, ashamed of my body and unworthy of being a woman because of my inability to carry a baby past 8 weeks. I know in my head I’m none of these things, I am kind, I love hard, I’m loyal and I push myself every single day through depression and anxiety but I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be there, be a mum, hold my baby, see my husbands face when he sees our child for the first time. I feel defeated and on the brink of giving up and accepting that I am not meant to be a mother. It’s hard when it’s all I’ve ever wanted to be, I never wanted a career, I never wanted lots of money and a fancy house or material things. I wanted muddy football boots run through the house, I wanted to plait my little girls hair for school, be that annoying mum who takes photos every 5 minutes, read bedtime stories, I wanted to go to ballet classes, gymnastics, I wanted toys everywhere, a chaotic house filled with love and laughter and I feel so alone tonight, my negative thoughts won’t leave my mind. Why is this journey so hard? I ask myself all the time. I’m a good person, my husband is a good person. Just like all of you are too, we all have so much love to give. Why are these babies born to abusers? To drug addicts? To people who I feel aren’t worthy of the title of Mum or Dad. Why isn’t it easy for us? Why all this grief, sadness, bitterness? I never wanted any of this but I find myself on this journey that seems never ending, I can feel my husband pushing away from me in his own grief. We need a holiday but I’ve been off work on and off for nearly 2 months and my husband is working 70+ hour weeks to cover bills so we can’t even book anything to look forward to, to recover as a couple and have fun together, relax, forget about our troubles for a week or two. My heart is broken and I don’t know how to move forward in any way, shape or form. It’s just one of those nights, up alone and crying silent tears hoping my babies are safe and happy together somewhere and that our marriage is strong enough to survive our latest loss 💔
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I'm right here too OP. I'm so sorry. If you take any comfort at all from knowing you aren't alone in this I'll be glad.
I've had 10+ miscarriages now all at around the same time (7ish weeks). I've seen heartbeats that have stopped, felt symptoms for weeks after they'd already gone, had to have D&C's numerous times. It's fucking cruel and it's shit and no one should have to go through it.
I've nothing to add other than to say it's okay to just scream sometimes. Sometimes I sit in my car and just scream. I yell at a God that I don't even believe in, I tell him how much I hate him for all the things you've said in your post, all the bad people who get to have children so easily etc... Maybe it's not the best way to deal with things but it helps me.
I got a dog. I don't mean that patronisingly, I've been told my people before who don't know what to say 'why don't you just get a dog' and I'm not saying you should get one but it's been something for me to get stuck into, something that I have to get out of bed, something that has distracted me on the occasions I've wanted to be done with it all.
I can't tell you not to give up, I understand the mental pain, please look after yourself. And unfortunately I don't have, myself, a positive story for you yet but I will tell you that I am the product of my mum carrying on when she thought she couldn't. I am here after my mum suffered so many losses and even a stillborn before me. It is possible and I'm here as proof. Its what helps me keep going. You're getting pregnant, it's a massive step on its own 
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