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Recurrent miscarriages - need to vent

(15 Posts)
elc19 Sun 16-Feb-20 22:25:42

Tonight I feel defeated, ashamed of my body and unworthy of being a woman because of my inability to carry a baby past 8 weeks. I know in my head I’m none of these things, I am kind, I love hard, I’m loyal and I push myself every single day through depression and anxiety but I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be there, be a mum, hold my baby, see my husbands face when he sees our child for the first time. I feel defeated and on the brink of giving up and accepting that I am not meant to be a mother. It’s hard when it’s all I’ve ever wanted to be, I never wanted a career, I never wanted lots of money and a fancy house or material things. I wanted muddy football boots run through the house, I wanted to plait my little girls hair for school, be that annoying mum who takes photos every 5 minutes, read bedtime stories, I wanted to go to ballet classes, gymnastics, I wanted toys everywhere, a chaotic house filled with love and laughter and I feel so alone tonight, my negative thoughts won’t leave my mind. Why is this journey so hard? I ask myself all the time. I’m a good person, my husband is a good person. Just like all of you are too, we all have so much love to give. Why are these babies born to abusers? To drug addicts? To people who I feel aren’t worthy of the title of Mum or Dad. Why isn’t it easy for us? Why all this grief, sadness, bitterness? I never wanted any of this but I find myself on this journey that seems never ending, I can feel my husband pushing away from me in his own grief. We need a holiday but I’ve been off work on and off for nearly 2 months and my husband is working 70+ hour weeks to cover bills so we can’t even book anything to look forward to, to recover as a couple and have fun together, relax, forget about our troubles for a week or two. My heart is broken and I don’t know how to move forward in any way, shape or form. It’s just one of those nights, up alone and crying silent tears hoping my babies are safe and happy together somewhere and that our marriage is strong enough to survive our latest loss 💔

lulahb Sun 16-Feb-20 22:53:35

Just wanted to say I'm sorry your going through this, I've felt like you before don't give up ❤️

Lavienestjamaisjuste Mon 17-Feb-20 11:52:58

Your message brought me to tears OP, feel I could have written the exact same words. After several losses and then TFMR last year after first round of IVF I'm truly wondering whether it's time to just call this to an end.. but like you, I only ever wanted to be a mum, and am struggling to see positive alternatives. Though I am a hopeless optimist... which is good and bad in equal measures. Wishing you lots of strength moving forward - I recently read Reasons to stay alive by Matt Haig, and I found it useful in some ways as he offers sensible and often funny perspectives, not that this can be solved by a book obviously, just helped me through a few dark times. Grief after recurrent baby loss is a unique kind and it is hard to find people IRL who can truly relate. I have struggled with my relationship with my parents (who were fortunate to have children very quickly and complication free) as they were not good parents (for various reasons which I won't go into here) and my Dad has just had another baby, despite not actually taking responsibility for all of his other children... so yes, your comment about seemingly less deserving ppl becoming parents really resonates with me. You really lose your sense of identity with all of this, I realised I have no current prospects of career progression (because of continual absences/sick leave), I'm no closer to becoming a mother, and my 'status' as a wife, and even a daughter seems somehow odd now too. Anyway just wanted to reach out, hope that you know you are not alone, and that the darkest days do gradually get lighter - I hope you don't find that patronising, not intended at all, what helped me through the last loss was knowing that we'd got through the previous one, despite at the time thinking that would be impossible.

Willow146 Mon 17-Feb-20 12:07:39

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hatawa83 Mon 17-Feb-20 13:13:18

Oh hun I’m tearing up reading your post as you are saying exactly the same words I’ve said after each of my miscarriages. It’s so so heartbreaking and so unfair. We eventually had our daughter after 7 long years and several failures and losses. It’s hard to comfort someone who has just had a loss but for myself and my husband, what really helped us was to take time out and go away together to remember why we fell in love and what we were fighting for. I know you mentioned you can’t do that right now but maybe make that your next project before another round? We spent a week in a mountain house with no phone signal or Wi-fi and just locked ourselves away from civilisation with lots of food, wine, books and movies. It is to this day the best week of my life. We desperately needed that break from thinking about having a child. 2 months later we did a FET and had our daughter. I really believe that taking the time to relax fully and just be together and reconnect helped massively. Sending you the biggest hug in the world. Stay strong hun...you will get through this xx

HopingForAMiracle1 Tue 18-Feb-20 07:26:06

I'm right here too OP. I'm so sorry. If you take any comfort at all from knowing you aren't alone in this I'll be glad.

I've had 10+ miscarriages now all at around the same time (7ish weeks). I've seen heartbeats that have stopped, felt symptoms for weeks after they'd already gone, had to have D&C's numerous times. It's fucking cruel and it's shit and no one should have to go through it.

I've nothing to add other than to say it's okay to just scream sometimes. Sometimes I sit in my car and just scream. I yell at a God that I don't even believe in, I tell him how much I hate him for all the things you've said in your post, all the bad people who get to have children so easily etc... Maybe it's not the best way to deal with things but it helps me.

I got a dog. I don't mean that patronisingly, I've been told my people before who don't know what to say 'why don't you just get a dog' and I'm not saying you should get one but it's been something for me to get stuck into, something that I have to get out of bed, something that has distracted me on the occasions I've wanted to be done with it all.

I can't tell you not to give up, I understand the mental pain, please look after yourself. And unfortunately I don't have, myself, a positive story for you yet but I will tell you that I am the product of my mum carrying on when she thought she couldn't. I am here after my mum suffered so many losses and even a stillborn before me. It is possible and I'm here as proof. Its what helps me keep going. You're getting pregnant, it's a massive step on its own flowers

twinkledag Wed 19-Feb-20 19:36:13

I'm so sorry ❤️

Strongmummy Wed 19-Feb-20 19:37:53

It’s shit isn’t it. We went through the same. I now have two gorgeous children. We adopted

elc19 Thu 20-Feb-20 07:12:10

Thank you everyone.

It all became too much on Monday night my husband said he needed space and I packed to stay with family. Shamefully admitting that Tuesday I tried to end my life but didn't succeed and hospital have referred me urgently to a psychiatrist for my grief and depression.

When I woke up in hospital my husband was there and has accepted he is struggling with depression too and has seen a dr.

We are both signed off for a week so it gives us a chance to recuperate and sort counselling. I hope we can work through this but for now our mental health and our relationship take priority xx

twinkledag Thu 20-Feb-20 09:58:38

Look after yourself 💐

Dot457 Thu 20-Feb-20 15:30:27

@elc19 - Hello! I have just read your thread and I was honestly in tears reading this. I had to comment. I wish I could give you a big virtual hug!! Please don't be alone in this, I know that when its you, what you are going through feels like no one else could possibly seem like they are going through worse. I am so sorry to hear about the bad time you've been having. Please please try to see the light at the end of the tunnel OP. You've got this! Right now it won't feel like you do, but you will and you will come through on the other side I promise you. You have a loving supportive husband and you are both grieving right now. Please be kind to each other and more importantly yourself. Life is precious, although you may not know it right now I believe everyone was put on this planet for a reason. Please do not ever hesitate to DM me if you need to talk to someone, any time of day or night xxxxxx

elc19 Sat 22-Feb-20 07:36:29

Thank you all so much for your kind words and love @lulahb @Lavienestjamaisjuste @Willow146 @Hatawa83 @Hatawa83 @HopingForAMiracle1 @twinkledag @Strongmummy @Dot457

This place can be an absolute godsend sometimes with kind women like you showing support.

I'm so sad that I reached rock bottom but I know now that the only way is up and I'm looking forward to a holiday and taking some time for us as a couple, TTC especially with infertility/pregnancy complications really does take its toll on a relationship and I've selfishly missed signs that my husband is depressed from it all too. So this is our time for the next 6 months we are going to do random date nights, book a holiday and focus on us.

Thank you again 💕

foxychox Sat 22-Feb-20 07:51:12

OP I don't know what to say but hugs to you. I had a tiny bit of the issues that you've had but I did feel very much the same. I'm happy that you're getting the help that you need, please be kind to yourself x

lulahb Sat 22-Feb-20 08:29:29

That's such good news and definitely needed you'll probably both find. There's a reason your together and on this journey and you probably need to remember what a strong couple you are.

I have no doubt you will get what you want

Lots of love and happiness

Dot457 Tue 25-Feb-20 13:21:12

@elc19 - it's definitely important to do YOU during this time, it's safe to say we all probably get a bit selfish during this because you just feel like the world is not fair, you feel hard done by! I understand that. I'm glad your going to focus on you both now, easier said than done but try to put TTC to the back of your mind for a while, de stress and enjoy this time, it will work wonders for you both! Take care and I really hope everything works out well for you xxxxx

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